everyday i wake up. and i wish i did not. i don't know what i'm doing here. i started thinking to myself "i need to work on the static site archives of my tutorials and resources before it's too late" and i wasn't even thinking 'i'm going to kill myself.' at this point, i just know i am not going to live. there's nothing for me to wait out. it's just over for me after this unless i can get the willpower to survive this suffering. and to be honest, i feel like, even if i get that willpower, my body is always in so much pain that it's impossible.

sometimes i think to myself college isn't that bad but then i end up going to class, and they decided to teach me about hate speech or something and i decide to be extremley vulnerable only to get 2.5 points out of a 100 point assignment for some reason that is never explained. and past me could've asked why but this is 2025 me, and i just can't do this anymore.

and then i talk to my mom and she starts the gaslighting and cruelty and i remember if i fuck up college, i have nowhere to go. it's over for me.

if i go back to my mom i'll die, but i can't function in the current college atmosphere. i can't check my notifications or my assignments and i can hardly be on campus. one funny thing is mom constantly gaslights me into thinking things aren't as bad as i remember.

she never 'doesn't believe me when i don't feel bad' like she didn't refuse to take me to the doctor all winter break. i have no reason 'to not be afraid of meds' only to right after admit she knew less about medication in 2022 while still not admitting any fault then going 'i'm a lot' THEN why do you wanna manage my meds if you don't want to deal with me.

people send kind messages cheering me on, but the problem is that cheering me on doesn't end abuse. i'm going to end up lying in my bed doing nothing eventually. i can't live with my mom. i can't hold a job. i recently find myself watching things about internet 'lolcows' and so many of their societal failings i also share. it makes me want to be more motivated to not end up in a similar situation only for me to lie in bed and experiencce terror or go to bed at 6pm again. 

endless cries for help. i'll probably go on meds again, but in truth i just sort of hope i don't wake up at all. i dont' wanna be on medication (though it's what i'm reaching out for in  hopes it'll give me willpower again) i don't wanna be in college. i don't wanna go home.

my mom kept gaslighting me over and over. there's a lot going on. i can't really think about it, but she's going to end up turning me into a shell of a person again if i let her keep going. i need to find some solution before everything ends, but i know she won't help me find that solution while insisting that everything is my fault despite the resources i have. it's hard to keep believing this though when she keeps telling me i'm making everything up. 

anyways i think github is more reliable than neocities so i guess i back them up on github and neocities or maybe just github idk  lol. i feel like i can automate a way for ophanimkei to be static since it's PHP reliant and no more content is generated with JS (including my statuses!)

that is to say i'm not planning to kill myself, but i remember a long time ago learning a lot of suicidal people are impulsive. like there's so many ads about stopping people from buying rope at the store or something, but plenty of deaths are caused by someone just being sad, going somewhere that doesn't make it hard to kill yourself like  tall building, and then going "it'd be so easy" and just doing it.

i scared of dying but lately i get these extreme urges in bed. i'll lie down and look online. "if i had money for this, i'd buy it then it'd sit in my room and eventually i'd finally end my life with it when it's too much" and who's not to say i'd do that for some tall building. 

hi, i just watched video today and was thinking about it. kennie jd talked about ned fulmer's podcast and the empathy she has for ariel.

(if you don't know about this cause you're not online at all, basically an internet personality, ned fulmer, who's identity was being with his wife, ariel). here's the video if you give a damn about that. 

kennie jd discusses the physical reactions you can see in ariel, the trauma responses. she also talked about how relationships have a certsain amount of trust required and hoping for the best. the path to getting to marriage requires large amounts of trust and faith in another.

kennie jd talked abt finding out a guy she went to college with and discovering he was a predator and how it ruined all sense of safety and how nothing is good. 

i think, erm, lately i feel like this over and over. i'm trying hard to talk to others again. doing art trades, socializing, etcetera etcetera, but it never feels like enough. all safety permanently shattered because people keep continously worming their way into my life and doing something insane to me.

the people who befriended me only to reveal later they view me as sexual object. the people who befriended me only to become more ableist over time. the pathological liar who pretended to relate to me and lied ot my face so openly,t hat made me insane. my ex roommates who shattered every hope and dream i had the year i turned 18. everything. everything.

it's too much. really. and i always think it's nothing. i mean some of its major but everyone talks about online fallouts/bad people like entertainment sources or things worthy of 'callout posts' but it was never really that to me. it's just. pain. it's just this hole. i talk to someone and there's always shadows of doubt. the desire to leave my house is gone because everyone is a liar and people who do things in good faith will still hurt you because they don't understand you due to various things: mental disorders, sexuality differences, gender differences, ethnicity, etc etc. 

i don't really know what to do with this. i just. feel like. i'm hurt. it's hole. hole. hole. hole. bleeding all the time, but weirdly enough  panty and stocking has reminded me to continue having faith in girls. my sitsers. my fellow bitches. i love other black girls especially, especially lesbians, because lesbians are so women focused, but i still have been talking to other girls who i don't know and just commiserate.

i feel a bit dead inside so i haven't been super active in EGL spaces or on social media. i just don't trust people there. everything on social media is cliquey, and to be honest, i know i also come off as being part of a clique because i have my own close frieend group and looser connections. cliques are so natural, but i hate being singled out in these cliques.

EGL feels insane righ tnow because it's such a money focused fashion. the tariffs in US and things not being shipped here and just SNS-focused nature of lolita in its current form is very difficult for me. i wish there was a forum or that livejournal wa sa thing again. still lov etumblr though.

anyways, speaking of forums, i've been using reddit from time to time and really other forums. i'm trying to get more active on them again. the forums i used as a kid and teen no longer exist or were eating disorder focused and obviously that's not ideal. i dislike reddit. it is not a proper forum to me (with categories to section out things i don't wanna see, etc etc), but it will do for now. unfortunately other forums i've found are  abit too negative.  reddit is very negative, but it's easy to find fun things too if i look hard enough.

toyhouse is fine though the issue is that the forums are connected to your profile, and i feel this limits my operations, though i think i'll be okay in the end. i can set up some simple ones that link to my catalogue for people wanting more info. the toyhouse community can't really read nowadays anyways- like many online communities, so the short blurbs i have now with links to the catalogue is probably ideal anyways.

i crave feelings of normalcy and casual conversation now due to feeling like that cannot be afforded to me and also since i have no money right now, returning to art bartering is nice. it's something i enjoyed a lot as teen, so it feels like a return to form, you get me?

i reconnected with an old friend group too and we're going out to eat tomorrow. i gonna go print my labels in library and hopefully drop off my sticker packages. yap yap. maybe go to llibrary and fuck around with stickers again. they told me you get two free sheets of vinyl, but no one could answer if i could buy more or not at the school itself. supplying my own would be a pain, so if I could just use there's, i'd be very happy.

oh industrialism

I've been deeply depressed, so depressed that if I were to be too honest with my therapist, I'd likely end up hospitalized or needed to find a new provider. Lately I keep wondering why I am alive in this weird world. There's not much I like to do. I find other people generally painful to interact with even if I love them. I can't really see any bright sides to anything lately. 

Not having money also makes you basically no longer human but I digress.

I sometimes wonder why I keep going and think about creating things. It pleases me. Art, writing, game development, etcetera. I like to make friends and I like to have new experiences mainly to enhance my art because making art when you have no experiences isn't the most fun to me. WIILT wouldn't exist without my experiences in Japan and England or college in general. RehAIbilitation wouldn't exist without my college experiences either. Ommatophilia would but even then, that game is heavily influenced by graduating high school itself and leaving everything behind in the pandemic.

I don't know if I'll make games forever, but I know I'll be creating as long as my mental facilities allow it. What would I do otherwise you know? I'm so sad all the time.

Sense of duty to self and others somewhat. When I die, I can't make art anymore. All of this sadness I feel all the time is a distraction from that. You want a job to support your art endevors forever. You want to move out of your house because it's hard to make art while living there. You keep trying very hard because it's all for art. And if you stop making art, then you should finally die.

Of course, there's other things I enjoy. I think it's healthy to have joys outside of art. I think of art in this way when I get very depressed (though art is my reason for living. it is what gives me purpose and keeps me from sinking too deep into the abyss).

I like lolita a lot and my friends and everything. I feel disconnected from my friends and hobbies lately and the computer in general- outside of game development. I struggle to really use social media the way I used to. I just find it bad now. Really I only use my personal tumblr consistently and even then- it's too a much lesser extent than months or years prior.

I like to go places in real life, but I feel trapped in my house and on campus, everything is so suffocating for many reasons. I try not to be there, and sometimes I go but leave halfway through due to the campus horrifying me.

Depression symptoms are interesting because I can feel the lack of desire growing. I try to blame it on getting older. I just don't have time for things anymore, but I do think it's just.. my brain not working. I have a hard time taking photos, and even going out for a walk just feels like a pain. Sometimes I consider trying SSRIs again, but my body doesn't wanna tolerate anything it seems like, but my life was so good my first 2 years on Zoloft, maybe I should try again.

I am trying to do things I think I should do to avoid the hobby decay. While I don't really need motivation to do art, I do have to have motivation to do other things. I try to take photos when I can though it's still not as often as I'd like- mainly at meets really. I try to put together nice coords, keep hygeine nice, keep room clean, etcetera etcera. It feels extremely weird doing all of that because no one realizes you're suffering.

Though in truth, no one wants to know if you're suffering., They'd rather you shut up and immediately turn to insults when you show any sign of declining mental health. It's one reason I'm not really talking to anyone. If I'm good, I'm still visibly mentally ill to people who know me- making them uncomfortable. If I'm bad, they want to be around me even less. I'm tired of being traumatized by others. I want to be alone.

Still, I know I really don't want to be alone. I just don't want anyone to be close to me if I think they'll hurt me- which I believe to be true of most people generally in recent days. I hate that general paranoia is becoming the norm for me, but I don't really know what to do about it either.

Consistently though, I find myself enjoying taking pictures of small things. Like this cowboy church, or the pylons at the top of this entry. I find myself increasingly fascinated by weird aspects of humanity. Pylons surrounded by nature.. Cowboy church.

Of course, I have photos of myself too, but perhaps I've grown bored of myself as a subject. All my photos of myself are the same. Same poses, coords mostly the same, etc etc. People do like them though, which is pleasant to me, but in the end, I find myself wondering if it really matters.

These pictures were actually taken after a lolita picnic. Despite my previous statement, I do recognize it'd be a shame not to post the photos in this entry. I'd also likely regret it.

i do like this photo. it's a shame i get so anxious on traintracks (i'm afraid of fines- not the trains)

this bridge will one day be washed away due to the cement holding it in place slowly being eaten away at by the water.
my friends like this photo



Of course, group photos. My skirt covers my shoe. I am clown.
Usually I am more cognizant of those kinds of things when taking photos but you know

I think those are the main photos that would be of interest. I just realized I also visited a cemetery recently with Eden and Rasa, so I guess I'll post those too.

That cemetery was very old, one of the oldest in the state. Appalachia is interesting cause of things like that. I try to generally be chill in cemeteries though I flip off Confederate generals. I feel a bit of guilt doing this, but well, my entire bloodline.. And the existence of the Confederacy and everything it stood for is still fucking up my life now so.

sunlight in these photos always perplexes me. how do i feel about it? i am not sure. in theory it makes the photos prettier.
my comm members really love sunlight, but when i look at it, i really don't feel anything. maybe i just prefer fog.

the sun.. can be nice though..


of course. group.

Anyways, I have more photos. I'll compress them and add them to the EGL page eventually. Just don't feel like it right now, but later today probably. Or in a few weeks. Whenever whenever.

thanks random twitt user

I shouldn't be up this late. I knew I was heading down a slipper slope when I opened OpenSIM at around 11PM then began to research DAE conversion, and now it's 4 and I need to be up in less than 5 hours. Now I'm writing this entry making my problems woorse.

I went out to Red Lobster today after craving it for a very long time. They had a shrimp and lobster still for $19.99 which I bought but it ended up still reaching $30 adding tips and tax. It was so frustrating to me lol. I didn't think I'd be spending $30 today. Still, I want to go back. Their menu is fun to me, and I saw a lady eating their seafood boil and it looked pretty good. 

I've never actually ordered lobster before, not on my own money anyways. I got it when it was a 'free' entree on a cruise and at restaurants, I usually ask mom for some. It was super yummy. I want to go back another Monday now.

I like the fries too and their scampi. I wanted coconut shrimp, but it's just too expensive now- especially now that they don't have shrimp your way anymore (you used to be able to get 2-3 types of shrimp around $21-$23 . i'd gourge myself). This was more satisfying in a way though. It's good to try new things- especially right now while I'm having so many food isuses.

Also, you can get coconut shrimp pretty cheaply frozen, and it tastes just as good since everyone makes it the same way. I need to go to Aldi's but money goes so fast now. It's exhausting to me, but I think I have some commissions coming.

Bla bla bla. Other misc things. Found out Itchio staff left WIILTT deindexed on purpose without alerting me and I guess chose to ignore my ticket. This is frustrating. I checked and it has be indexed for like 38+ days. To be honest, WIILTT is a project that means a lot to me, so I'm considering contacting an editor and trying to post it to Steam but this makes me anxious because I know Steam can just leave games unlisted forever. Removing the NSFW scenes just feels like a terrible decision, but NSFW has basically been removed from every platform which is annoying. Itchio really is the only platform still has NSFW games, but it's just.. annoying.

But now that I have an answer, I feel more calm generally which is crazy right? I should be enraged, but after weeks of this terrible whirlwind of emotions and stress and being near breaking point, knowing that itchio staff made the decision to hide it.. It wasn't something I did.. It has allowed me to reach some kind of inner peace. It's not something I want to happen and it brings me great sadness, but now I'm less explosive. Right now anyways. Some bullshit is gonna happen again probably that brings me to the edge again haha, but for now, I'm okay. I've been so exhausted always being on edge, but something about this state of knowing I did everything right but still being screwed over.. Feels... less.. Terrible than the nebulousness.

Anyways, hopefully Visa and Mastercard fucking explode, but if not, we will just have to see what happens. I really think I'm okay because I know I don't make a ot of eroge. I am going to port SGW and make the new episodes then move on, but it make sme anxious because my games have gore and nudity. I don't really like censoring myself, but I guess I could always add patches that are only available on my website. Smiles.

I guess that is thhe answer. Patches. Selfhosting. Trruthfully I think people should be making mass efforts to move over to selfhosting and obscuring purchases and making large listings with games hosted elsewhere/on servers. I know that we have to rely on normies to find things themselves which is why everything is algorithmic and god knows the average internet user doesn't know what a tag is but I still think this is the way. Decentralization really is the way.

Of course there's always issues regarding payments, but I simply think that those issues will exist even using sites like itchio or other sites that haven't had the hammer smacked down on them. I just sort of think society is really broken right now though, so no one will listen to me. I'm crazy. I also am anti crypto because the reason a lot of these systems exist is to protect users, but well, the erm, average user cannot use crypto and the people who push these systems often have terrible agendas.  I really just don't think flocking to another thing contnrolled by rich people is the way.

Here are some more coords from recently. I bought groceries, and they're already almost gone and I'm low on funds again. Neverending cycle. Neverending cycle.

Just want to play Silksong really, but need to play games I already own.