i decided to decorate this entry with
images by kouri, the creator of ib

The large RPG Maker zine that has kind of been my life for the past year is now in a state of “completion.” As in, it’s out of every scheduled phase. Do I feel a sense of accomplishment or pride? I unfortunately have to say no.

In the past, I would have. Maybe just a few months ago. But whether it be due to anhedonia, my dreams being crushed quickly and or continuously amounting to nothing, realizing there’s no reality where I graduate college due to finances,  or never ending pain from disability, all I can think much of the time is “I am absolutely exhausted." This isn't really locked to the zine. Really, it is a kind of continous feeling with everything I finish. I also just.. know if I wasn't disabled, I could've performed so much better.

Perhaps it feels as though my work is often amounting to nothing. From hosting jams to not really doing it much for various reasons, to hosting the zine but Twitter, the main platform for sharing the zines, kind of exploding and dying, to realizing there is kind of this nebulous idea of success with indie dev. I'll never escape the realm of hobbiest. I'll always be a poor artist in a society where art isn't valued and the people who value it having no money. It is.. a bit painful. People often ask "how are you" but it's hard to answer. Everyone knows how I'm doing. At least I think so. I just smile a lot to ignore it or try to boost my spirits.

People can even do bd things to you or stand aside while bad things happen then ask you. It's such a bizarre feeling.  It leaves me confused, but worse than that perhaps, it leaves me empty. At time the emptiness is welcome, but other times, I open my Nintendo Switch. I watch the Miis talk but don't hear the words. I press plus. I draw a picture. I don't feel aynthing, but I must draw to keep up the habit. I'm not miserable and confused, but..  there's nothing.

Others generally prefer it that way. I 'd rather be empty than emotional nad annoying,, at least right now. My anxiety is quite bad lately. I'd rather be alone muhc of the time than cry because my anxiety went over the edge. I want to ask for help but no one can. I find myself missing my abusers and looking for them in people who would never hurt me that way. I don't miss the abuse but I miss the good parts. I miss feeling like I had ride or dies.

But I know that's stupid. I just admittedly am not really sure how to proceed much of the time lately. I try to avoid doing thigns that hurt other people's feelings, but they kind of.. it isn't worth it much of the time.I can't even write about feelings in my diaries a lot without hurting someone's feelings it seems like. I can't be happy without making others uncomfortable. Sorry.

During RPG Maker zine's run, I frequently thought about killing myself for various reasons, but I always thought "I need to finish the zine. pPeople paid for it. It's for charity. And it's been a dream for the past 4-5 years." I never shared that because I know people will intepret the worst but it is frequently my experinece with any collaboraitve work. The zine simply became the furthest place these feelings could go.

As the work piled up and the state of the US fell apart in probably the project of my life I've hosted with the most moving parts, the zine sort of became my life and purpose. When my life was dominated by the call enter, my off days were spent preparing packages. When I felt lonely or bored, I'd go through emails or begin cross referencing pirateship and bigcartel to make sure information was accurate. When I'd cry over impending homeless or my migraines, I'd decide to focus on the stress of shipping instead. I imagined callout posts being made about me, calling me unprofessional and someone who should never do anything, instead of indulging my homelessness feeligns. I used that negativity to push me forward. 

There is no "what now?" feeling. In some ways, I worry because the zine's success relies on social media and Twitter is dead, but well, really, the zine is always a thing that occurs. Really, it's more of a, "what will push me forward next?"

Is it bug girl project? It's got a quest system now. Working on it with Citrus is fun. Is there another nebulous project? People reach out to me about "nebulous' things like game jams then never reach out again. Maybe they forgot about me, maybe I'm not as interesting as other collaborators, or maybe their plan just hasn't come to fruition. I have no clue. Things come and go. 

Or maybe I really will go to sleep for a long time. I have no clue. Now, I guess, life will be dominated by commissions and game dev and work. I have work in a little over 2 hours actually. 

People sometimes say Ophanimkei is too big. Maybe I'll shrink it. I know some people read and like to explore. It'd be a lie to say I expect no one to look and I like its winding nature, but I love deleting things. And why keep old things around when I'm not even the same person I was a week ago.

The day was nice. I looked forward to it all week. Lichdolly took me out to get hibachi. I  didn't get pictures of Hibachi, but we stopped by an abandoned video store before hand. It was pleasant. Abandoned places always make me happy.

This post is doing well on Rednote which means soon I will turn off my DMs for a long time like last time. Most are nice, but I admittedly get rather overwhelmed easily. There are messages. It is a lot of words. It's why my DMs are disabled everywhere. I used to be good at conversation, but after everything in the past few years, it's hard to have words for others. I'm rather repetitive.

this OP is actually being rereleased. the new one does not have puffy sleeves.
i kind of wish it was mine but I don't care enough to try to go out of my way
to get it!

White and red is my favorite colorway but it brings unwanted attention, so I do not wear it too often. It's nice Eden wears more OTT coords too since it makes me feel more comfortable going out in things I really like.

Speaking of unwanted attention, work is worried some things I wear will bring unwanted attention or is too showy. I admitedly have worn some showy things though most days I wear black skirts and simple tops. I  was told not to wear things with text so I wore a lot of random tshirts and things. Once I wore Gobelin teddy haha... I was behind on all my laundry and I wanted to take pictures. I have been behind on laundry for a long time, but I decided to sort my closet to pull out what I can wear to work.

i grabbed this because it was long lol but bad choice for work admittedly
my old jobs sucked but they didn't care what i wore so i got silly with it :P

It is just a bit awkward at times. My manager gets worried. The other day I walked around to take some photos (these). My main goal was to go to a stereo store but I walked a bit further. She admitted if it were her, she would not want to be worried about but she was concerned about me. 

I was somewhat quiet as I didn't have much to say. I'm well aware of the dangers of walking, but I just don't really have a car haha and I enjoy walking around. My family hates when I walk around too, but well, oherwise I am just in my house. 

In the end a lot of my outfits were okay (ie I usually wear things like this). Even the outfit during the conversation was okay though she preferred if I wore tights under it.. and I was told it'd be better to not wear striped socks since it is less safe...? It was a bit more uncomfortable. I think I shut down more because she said my jacket was fine and she asked me to unzip it. I was just wearing a black collared shirt which was fine.. Something about it mortified me. It makes me feel gross.

But well, I don't mind wearing plain socks. I can understand the logic somewhat but I am admittedly kind of used to walking around as a girl. It's certainly not the safest but I try to have common sense.

But, soon it will be summer. My socks often get plainer because of the heat, and I also plan to buy some long skirts soon so it won't matter and i have a small amount. I have two long dresses I put shirts over and a long skirt from a long time ago.. currently in the washing machine! I'm honestly looking forward to long skirt maxxing.

Also I was told not to wear my headpieces and mainly bows for the back of my heads or other less showy things. Bandanas were fine, which was a bit funny. I've never been allowed to wear those at work, but I'm happy. They make cute bandanas now. I have a kuromi bandana. I found it a bit interesting though because you know those triangular headpieces people wear? Even normies? Those are okay.. And lolita brands make those. So  maybe I'll get one!

She gave me two t-shirts but they do not fit well so I do not really plan to wear them. I really dislike being given clothes and it has been a habit throughout life. My measurements are just not.. people do not know what I look like.. Even with other lolitas I am picky at times. I'm just autistic so a lot of textures are bad and well. 

In middle school, granny gave me many collared t-shirts. They were all oversized. I felt awful but it didn'tt obscure my shape really. It was just a long shirt, but my chest was always visible. So I wasn't androgynous or anything. I'm only androgynous in large hoodies, but I don't buy those. Hoodies are always expensive. My hair was always a mess. I looked awful. My teachers were usually nice to me.

They thought I was good. One was nicer and talked badly about girls who changed their clothes in the restrooms. It took me back to that time a bit. I think I'm good at obeying dress codes, so I don' really wanna be given clothes. My last  boss tried to give me jeans too.. But.. I would not take fabrics from that place.. Bed bugs.

Tomorrow or Monday, I hope to buy more socks and maybe more long skirts. I don't really have money for it but I know I'll put it off forever.. Sighs. Comm leader and I hanging out Monday so gonna go to Miniso.. I'm going to untwist my hair on Monday so if I don't have any headpiece to wear, I'll just have my curly hair lol. 

I have a headache so gonna lie down. Byebye!

today i asked my mom 3 times what she was cooking for dinner. she heard me after third question.

i went to the doctor and they told me to call my neurologist to ask about my medication since i was given an injection and also had qulipta prescribed.

mri brought back nothing. eeg said nothing too. i cried in the library, laying my head on the desk and embarrassed because people i knew were in the vicinity. 

mother asked what's was wrong. i said "the usual." she asked if my head hurts. i said everything is hard all the time. she said "m." she stopped responding eventually, saying she needed to deal with a car situation. i kind of want to call granny but it's kind of agonizing. i don't want to be told they'll pray for me.

if i could drink something that'd let me not wake up tomorrow, i would without hesitation. but everything is too painful- it's never as simple as not waking up.

i think i have to do a new transition in my life soon, but admittedly i don't know if i have the fortitude. it would be cruel not to undertake it though since other p eople are involved. please let me wake up from this nightmare please let mewake up from this nightmare please let me wake up from this nightmare please let me wake up f rom this nightmare

hi. this entry will try to give some life updates.

i don't work at the fucked up evil call center anymore. it is kind of all an awful fever dream now. it makes me kind of sick to think about, but i'm free so no use in worrying! two days later, i had my first interview at the sex store and a week after that, i had my first shift.

it was really delightful! i had hands on training, i have a chair, there's a cat! and well, it's a job for an honest and true freak. it gave me inspo for more eroge LOL... i've been thinking about my daydrinking jam entry but i admittedly got more inspo from it from working there and the  horrors of my life too. still not sure i'll finish it yet though!

i dressed her during the final like ten minutes of my shift LOL

my schedule is still.. bad. i'm behind on school but it's because i have migraines all the time. i got prescribed qulipta only to get to the pharmacy and see i'd been switched to aimovig which is an injection. i certainly don't mind this but it caught me off guard. i basically was given a needle with no warning or instruction then sent home. i'm going to call my neurologist to make sure that was intentional then hopefully go to the student clinic to try it. 

it was really expensive, but i was able to widdle it down with to just $49 with savings card.. which is still too much but smiles! happens.

umm.. the pain is constant and makes doing anything or making any decision hard. it's hard to eat at all or be an organized person. i stared at my refrigerator for 20 minutes today. i want it to go away so i  can keep this job. work is constantly warding off my migraines kind of thing. i stay seated in the chair. i try to consume salty snacks. i drink water and hot tea but even by the end of my last shifts which were only 4 hours (tomorrow it will be 8), i suffered.

but it's okay. i'm not worried. i don't. care. i will happen and then it will end.

ii've  been playing tomodachi life. my current laptop doesn't  have an SD reader, s o i can't gather s creenshots from i t right n ow, b ut know i have been having much fun. right now the island is all lesbians, with the exception of Rie (who i assigned as asexual) and Sister (a stand in for myself who is also assigned as asexual)

i think  having a stand in  for yourself is fun.... i  have little desire to m ake m yself  or other IRLs in t hese simulation games 
but friends have made me which is fun. i thought i'd make a standin since the Miis talk about youu

tomorrow, i must wake up early to get a break waiver notorized, so this entry must end now. but let us hope that whenever  i start my aimovig, that my problems disappear through the power of pharmaceuticals. i also h ope to unbraid my hair soon.  return of curly hair..

i miss going  out and having fun lol. i don't know what the weather is like most days. i don't think my life has much joy at the m oment but i hope to c hange that eventually.. too poor and in pain to do anything.

see you later.

my outfit from last shift :)

i feel as though my life is not really in my hands due to my constant pain and the restrictions of my job. i feel not extremely present. i'm so tired. i'm so tired.  have you ever been to a beach and played in the waves? they push you back consistently. it's fun, but sometimes you can screw up. your mouth gets full of salt water or you may be surprisingly submerged. i think i'm always playing with waves, but now i'm tired. i can't seem to find the shore for some reason.

medical bills are speny. today i had a $100 copay for a neurologist appointment. i talked to mom. apparently, our insurance tried calling me one time but called her several times trying to reach me. it's kind of funny. i looked dand saw i'd gotten a call from them. i guess they called since my phone goes straight to voicemail cause of my job haha. i'm not sure why they didn't even leave a voicemail. i saw the call but i'm always to tired. everything's always closed. mom said my phone is off in the evening and i respnded with "it's off from 12:30 to 8::30pm" then she said i can call in the morning. i guess i will.

they said i may experience focal seizures. i have to get an MRI scan and EEG. it's going to be expensive. more things out of my control. i scheduled a PCP appointment + obgyn stuff too.

it'll be crazy if i have seizures cause i just do things through them and get mad at myself. everyone just thinks i'm anxious when i'm shaking which can make me feel worse because i don't shake when i'm anxious! but no one ever believes me! but the neurologist believed me. shouldn't being believed make me feel better? now i'm actually anxious! what if something's wrong? i should've prioritized it earlier.

on the bright side, recently i took a small trip to visit guts. kyou was also there and some of Guts' IRL friends. guts so nice to me. i've been stressed for along time.

it was nice gettng pictures with my friends.

the concert itself was nice. i like talking to people. i got fun pics but i'm a bit too tired to post them, but know they do exist. lustsickpuppy is basolutelty beautiful. they opened and closed. i've listened to some lustsickpuppy but not too much.

there was another opener i adored but got no videos or pics of (due to being a bit erm busy), but i ended up getting a tshirt because it made me crazy. it's my favorite kind of music for concerts, and i hadn't heard it since i was in japan in a venue like this. 

here's some pics and videos.

I generally try not to record too much at concerts. Guts has more footage I may post eventually. The other reason I didn't record is because unlike my first MG concert, I moshed basically the entire time. Guts wanted to go the center and I folowed and so did Kyou. An IRL friend of Guts was right in the center.

Last time was scary. This time I did Die LOL, but it was fun. I think I would've died without Kyou and Guts there though. At one point Kyou acted as a wall for us, and at times, I'd be carried away by  mosher. At one point Guts wrapped their arms around me to keep me from Flying Away lol. Wearing lolita is nice because it makes me very visible in these venues to my friends, so I don't disappear. LOL. Though other people.. I get awkward because people want you to push their weight. At one point I couldn't push someone so I kept moving backwards and they kept jumping backwards LOL. I ran to Guts and Kyou afterwards.

It was fun even if we all died the next day. I hope to do it again. I at one point wondered if I'd ever go to a concert again. No car, no money, stuck in poverty cycle. I often feel like I'm dying but things are slowly looking up, maybe. It's sometimes hard to tell.. But I'm trying very hard and have some plans that will hopefully improve things if they don't explode smiles.

ps. while on my trip, i went to a cat cafe for the first time. if i lived near the area, there was one i certainly would have adopted! thanks for showing me new things guts!

pss. originally the title had the word seizures in it but i worried next to the title "machine girl" it would not be good ahah