they'll won't think of me kindly i know this to be true
Posted on: 2026-03-12 16:30:00

i try t keep entries positive but i don't really have energy to write when i have the energy to be positive. all that positivty goes towards living but the well is dried up. i'm so tired. i'm so tired. i'm so tired. i'm so tired. i'm so tired.


lately i think i could die alone in my apartment. no one would come to help me. i'd be sitting there dead until my roommates smelled my corpse. the door would be locked so it'd probably be police that discovered me. my family wouldn't know. on life360 i'm always at my house. they'd just know i'm not picking up the phone, but no one calls me- no one other than my grandmother and she is used to me being busy.


no. i would be dead in my apartment and no one would know. i'd be eight hours from home with maggots and flies eating my corpse. my old friend swould go "it's not surprising she killed herself. she was always so negative. it's why we're not friends anymore." i'd make my current friends very sad, but i'm not sure anyone would be surprised either.


my sisters. i don't really want to think about it. why can't i just go to sleep for a long time. i just keep hoarding things and putting charcoals in my cart. sleeping medicine. etc etc.


i don't want anyone to be sad. i meanother people make me sad all the time. but children blameless in the end. i don't want to do that to them. i never would and i could not. i make everyone sad just being around them and i know death is the greatest sadness. for people i've loved and people i hate and people i try not to think about. i don't want my story to end with Death, but i also see no way out for a girl like me. 


but i can't live like this. i'm only really here for them i think. and well. maybe there's  a way out. but there isn't really. i was so close . i was so close. i was so close . i was so close. but it was only temporary. that closeness was an illusion. i'm really a stupid fucking idiot in the end. 


there's nothing there's nothing out there. there's so much out there but i can't reach it. there's nothing out there. i really do hate everyone i think even if i love them so much too.