WHAT I LOVE I DEVOUR (what you love you devour)
Posted on: 2025-11-13 01:44:00
Tags: nonsense


I recently have been rather ominous when discussing media and overdramatic. "Something bad is coming" "Something terrible is happening to me." Unfortunately, I realize what it is now. The hyperfixations.


Hyperfixations can last anywhere from a few hours to months or even years, with the duration depending on the individual and the specific interest. Short-term fixations might involve a specific video game or a TV show, while longer-term ones can be related to hobbies or learning new skills. The intensity of the fixation can also vary and eventually decrease over time. 


So, obviously you can tell it's Radio Man, but it must be understood it's been quite some time since I had a full blown hyperfixation on a character or media. Perhaps years. It's something I have a tendency to deny due to a annoying old factors in my life that led to me to becoming a different person.


Truly, I sort of forgot I could get like this.


It's not what can autism do for me, but what autism Will do to me. There are many things currently making me insane, but well, I sort of desires to fixate on a person, this desire grew stronger, but I didn't realize.. That person can be fictional.


I've been feeling very very bad- for months and months and mmonths and months. The endless cycle of shame and guilt and  insecuritty, but now I can be free and cringe FREELY. Haha, my ex roommate used to look at my interests and say I was like a wasp, a striped wasp that you need to stay away from. But he loved me. He loooved me soo much. He loved me. A groomer loved me! No one else could love a girl who's so cringe and has so many red flags. It's like hello kitty girl times 10.




And it kept repeating. More friends who thought I was special or told me I was special who'd make fun of my interest at the drop of a dime. I thought I was obligated to love them, but why? I mean I do love all humans but why? I'm a bit tired.

TRYING TO BE LIKED GETS YOU NOWHERE. Stopped being such a good and likeable girl and people got tired of me. MORE PEOPLE CAN GET TIRED OF ME.  I Really don't care. Was I so caught up in Tumblr DNi culture only to migrate to cringe culture for whatever reason? Why'd I do that? What was the reason? Tumblr DNI to cringe culture was a straight line. 

 


he's so expressive this season and also being htrown around like a ragdoll


It was slow and steady.., You know.. Being born full of hatred LOL. And like. being bullied and trying to mask to be accepted. AND TRYING SO HARD. Going to be college to be educated and proper girl..... Ignoring all media I viewed as beneath me. Hanging out with people who clearly didn't like me. Being insulted and treated cruelly by those people even in just the past few years AHAH. After saying I wouldn't let that happen~ A girl gets sexually harassed by people she called friends! That's really really sad, I think.

 

I'll keep losing people because of random things, but it's easier when I'm not hiding myself. I'd rather these fuckass losers leave me once they see how cringe I am. I've cut out the people who treated me badly and people I treated badly and other randomly threads that I just felt shouldn't be so close, so now it's just me.. 

 

I needed to meditate. I needed silence.

 

My ex roommates told me I was too much in the end. I had to get really quiet. Shrink myself into something small. But I don't wanna be small. I wanna be loud and annoying and I want to be liked for who I am! Why do I keep making endless personas just to be liked?

 

I left Neocities to avoid all numbers, yet I still kept masking because I wanted to be good and interesting despite trying to be upfront with everyone how Uninteresting and Disappointing I am. People keep thinking I'm interesting. Is it my fault. Did I trick them?

AND I AM UNINTERESTING. I'm boring fujoshi who dresses in lolita who's probably going to die in her 20s. I got yaoi baited by Hazbin and I have BPD like every tumblrina from 2014. It's really lovely you know to embrace how terrible you are and love yourself anyways. To experience insult after insult but never experience ego death, just a continous killing of the mask you have to wear.


And you know now I even think. I'll annoy my friends too much. They'll have to leave. I'll be soo cringe. No on will ever like me again.

 

I'll fujo too close to the sun. But my girlfriend and I talk about yaoi together. I talk about embarrassing moments wiht people to kill the ice. I annoy my closest friends' on purpose.


Despite all of that, I am so so looved by my friends and myself and my lovely wiife <3 They love me they love me. Even though I'm scared and cringe and a terrible person with seveeral diseases. They love mee <3