this entry is not about mabinogi but i just wnated to share that
her outfit from the event is no longer a rental!! and belongs to me
PERMANANCEE!!!!

hi! i just wanted to share i've got a summer job lined up! i'll be headed up north to a part of the US i haven't been in! meals provided! housing provided. the one downside is i can't bring my phone or any tech outside my cabin, but i know they work with digital cameras. the place is very beautiful so i hope to get photos! i'm gonna try to bulk my art supply collection before i go too since i'll be drawing traditionally quite a bit!

january has been stressful but knowing i won't be home for summer and have food and housing makes me happy! i'll be in a lovely place that is somewhat isolated but i do not mind! i know romanticizing things is not the best, but i love the struggles of traveling to faraway places too.. experiencing new things is a blessing for a girl who feels chronically behind!

my last entry was brief due to being at the mercy of my sisters haha, but now i am back. here is a look at my activities for january.

i've got much shipping done though i didn't finish! everythign is hard, but a lot if is done. i got into a spat with financial aid tellign them i felt they were failures which was not me having a bpd episode but me getting very irritated with a broken system, but they continued to talk like robots. back and forth via email is exhausting, so i gave up and just thanked them int he end. but i've got my spring aid sorted and (most) of my classes signed up for luckily! something regarding my registration is horrifiyng me admittedly, but i am in contact witj my advisor so trying not to focus on it. 

my anxiety has been bad due to the whole pressure of getting a job and register in time and being an general clown lol, but the idea of working full time again invigorates me because income. so many of my problems with my family will never go away. i knew they wouldn't and really a lot seems to be getting worse as i age. they do not help me pay for college, yet they think i have no familiarity with the real world. i studied abroad alone, i got my job as an RA, i've had roommates, yet to them i am still a child. it is unfortunate, but you know, i just need to keep grinding. it's a bother because they want me around but never too close, yet they complain if i go to far.

there has been unhappiness about my distance with the camp role, but when i'm here, everyone treats me terribly and like i deserve to be raged at. i don't know what to do! so i'm leaving. goodbye. LOL.

anywyas, while i've been home, i've done random stuff went out with my friend. i'd hoped we'd hangout again this weekend but i needed to visit my granny.. ahaha, i am happy to be here but woof it is hard when i am constantly being criticized!

artist statement: AI MAKES ART "ACCESSIBLE"

i had korean bbq for the first time.
the time we spent together we ate a lot LOL

it wass fun. hanging out with them is nice. not many longterm friends in my life and they're great. we looked at antiques and went to thrift stores. they bought rocks at a cool geology shop with witchcraft aesthetics and i gto a 50 cent nightgown and a 3 dollar dress I hope to alter (it fits a petticoat but it's a bit boxy. i theorize it may be a costume piece?)

i did not wear many coords while home. i didn't bring a lot of clothes lol. i knew i'd be stuck at home, so i honestly didn't want to bother. it was annoying though- this choice even if it was the right one. i need to get better at.. micro capsules? it's hard when you're casual and esp in winter.

i wore this coord to church. i'm used to baptist churches that kind of look empty
so this giant cross really excited me. wish i more gothic with me..
i actually brought an atepie dress but no proper shoes  or headpieces for it LOL..
i did pack a bit last minute yes

The church actually reminded me of a place in Disco Elysium.. I have more pictures but I've gotta compress them. I need to get a small camera that takes small pictures by default.. 

I haven't worn much else. I took down my hair and Granny is already upset. Taking it down before coming to her house especially without my hair care stuff was a horrible mistake but there was not much else I could do.

I lately have to think about what is in the limits of my toleration, and it's why, despite wanting to stay home for the summer for my siblings and granny and to explore this place more, I've got to get the fuck out of here. 

Being here all Winter Break was awful. Forced to go to church, hardly time for anything, constant noise, mom coming in when i'm on VC and making it clear she doesn't give a fuck and will yell on purpose- it is insanity inducing. Nothing is ever clean enough but i don't understand how a lived in place can be spick and span. Stuff on my desk? Oh noooo. I'm using all the stuff but that doesn't matter. It should be empty. It makes everyone unhapppy.

I finally found a drivers school near my college and they offer individual lessons. This is really what I need since I don't have anyone to teach me and mom keeps giving me more reasons she doesn't wajnt me to drive. Like she told me she hates that I have a license and just a permit.. but.. I had my permit for years.. before my license..? Then you forced me to be on medicationthat got me o sick I couldn't drive after doing driver's school so... I don't know girl.

Anyways yap. You can tell being home is reversing my healing process! There are other jobs that take you away with housing in the world too so I've been looking for fall even though it's not completely ideal. I'd truly rather have my own apartment, but I know in the current economy that isn't feasible.  I will have more luck learning how to drive and trying to get a car so I can at least spend my days out of the house.. Library, job, whatever else. It's all tolerable if I'm not home when mom gets home. When she gets home, she is at her worst. My family also hates that I sit at home and don't go anywhere, so two birds one stone.

Anywayys, lastly, the game dev grind never stops. Admittedly, this year I hope to do a large variety of things. I have been making visual novels for far too long now though I do  like them. I want to return to releasing RPG Maker things and try to do at least one for a jam this year. I also hope to finish my doujinshi. I've released a few zines and am interested in weird art book zine things. 

I feel like this summer maybe a good time for it, but we'll see. I am not sure I have the stamina to do a project traditionally like a comic anymore.. That was for my HS self, but since I can use my laptop in my cabin, I know I can still progress on things (probably).

When I start working again, I know  I own't be able to release at my current rate. That's fine. I mean. To be honest I was reaching the limits of my ability in that regard. I do think I work efficiently now, but I know I could be better. I need to either decrease my releases or chill out.. 

I am the main programmer for this VN right now. I've actually made many strides in Dialogic and 

am working faster than I have before. This is because of all of the help I get from Kail and Basicbean of course.. Bean doing the art has been awesome.. They are so awesome. Kail's UI and music additions are awesome too, and both helped me tighten up the story. Really beautiful world. Also I found that font for the names, isn't it cool?

I guess that is everything. I will be yelled at again soon. I'm at my grannys house and thought my aunt  was coming over who lives closer to my house according to info I was given, but she doesn't appear to be, so soon it will be an issue of how I will return home.

Smiles, my flight is tomorrow and I do need to pack. I'd hoped to this weekend but mother was in a rush to leave because she wanted to drop her car off to get her heating fixed. Not the best series of events.

Perhaps I should've gone home instead of staying the night. Admitteldy me being here hasn't been very fun for anyone involved. I am an unlikeable person sadly.

I hope to fix my brain soon. It has been falling apart. I can't keep track of anything, but I think much of how I feel  is worsened by my nutrition defiencies..  I want to do more to make sure I can fix it but it takes so long to experience the effectcs of magnesium and vitamin d and even if i do experience it, i  just have to keep taking the supplements. i've had a hard time taking my supplements consistently lately even though i have a medicine cabinet.

Bye bye!

hello! i haven't updated in a while. the diary now falls back to the month with the last update. i was struggling with it before but now it is good and true.. i'll upload the github version when I am less tired.

i'm at my granny's house watching lifetime movies. trying to edit this entry making me anxious. i have been having this extended argment with my family. it is my fault. i can solve it by doing something relatively simple, but i'm just stupid and dealing with executive dysfunction and just kind of want to do it in peace and quiet.

i think part of the solution is getting a full time job. now that the new year has begun and my school year is entirely online, it is the ideal time to look.

on the bright side, i've been eating better! i ask for second servings again! it's been a long time since  i did this outside of buffet settings (which usually i don't eat prior to going to them because i want to eat a variety of things), i sort of hate it and have no motivation or desire, but it has returned to me! i just need to actually buy groceries when i'm home haha.. it's just hard to eat in a healthy way.

outside of that, i was playing dress up games for a while...  i wanted to have a little doll on the right. i've been in the mood. i started playing IT Girl on Roblox which i'll also share.. guts showed it to me cause i was complaining a lot about dress to impress sucking really bad.

my sisters are begging me to play a roblox game, so i actually will have to stop writing shortly. i just wanted to add a few updates here. i've been stressed and looking for a new jobs. i've set up a few interviews. ones at a call center, another is a housekeeping job, and a vet has reached out to me but it's a bit far for what i'd like. it feels like everyone wants something from me but i can never give enouhg.

i've unbraided my hair and sent off 25 packages. there are many more, but i have to go about it strategically. the post office staff tend to get mad when i send off things or give them a hard time. the bus from my apartment actually goes very close to the UPS office (which is used for the international packages).

i can drop off the USPS packages at college which i was avoiding but i relized even if they are rude at times, i pay tuition and that includes using the post office. i've had so many issues with my school that i don't care about troubling anyone anymore. i've got to get the fuck out of there then work and get my own shitty apartment somewhere. i'm gonna try to go to drivers school again. this place i found offers individual lessons but it's super expensive and i know even if i ask my parents, i'll end up spending hndreds of dollars again with some ephemereal promise of being paid back.

IT Girl is cute.. Heads are so large but it's kind of charming..
I still prefer it over many other dress up games a nd the layering is really good