I have work in 5 hours and this horrible sinking feeling in my stomach. It happens whenever I get a job and have to work. Some girls are too stupid to work is what my head tells me, but I've worked multiple jobs, so I am surely capable.

I like that I cannot use my phone at work. I do not really want to talk to anyone. I feel like I regret every conversation lately which leaves me in a neverending state of embarrassment. With strangers it's surprisingly easier but once people enter the realm of acquiantance, it's very difficult for me to really.. get it. I am not with it. I have friends too who I'm anxious around, but I'd know I'd miss them even if they were gone, but I just can't stop being afraid.

Therapy is very useful, but I am not sure how to live without fear. I do not want to be snapped at or experience a rejection. When I talked about my interest at a recent social gathering, multiple times people got very quiet, but it was not out of interest or because they were listening. It was simply that I am always saying things that bizarre because I am not a normal person.

While at times like this, it is easy to despair, I still find myself feeling comfort. I love my girlfriend very much even if I am afraid. Vulnerability feels very bad but I am constantly putting myself in awful situations because I cannot shut up. I talk about her and how I love her, but I'd rather be more quiet about our relationship, but I express things very loudly. I talk about the people and things I love nonstop.

There are certain things that invigorate me. I am not sure I like flowers but I love that I have them. I like that I am a girl receiving flowers. I have them in a vase and Citrus told me how to take care of them. You cut the ends and add water. It's very important that I do this. The flowers even have plant food attached. My girlfriend is so thoughtful. Citrus is a dear.

Mother and my sisters called and I sang her happy birthday. I told them I was considering staying here longer and I couldn't really tell how anyone felt. Children are hard to read. The youngest sister asked me why life hard in a way that was very scary. I said I used to ask the same thing, but the good moments make it worth it. I think this is true. I have a job now and I think money allows you to have a lot of happiness. I will be able to afford a studio apartment and my girlfriend can come over and I can own anything I want. Maybe I'll have a tiny dog. If my girlfriend and I live together, we will have a cat. She has this delightful creature named Fig she has raised from kittenhood (found last year).

Work is not suitable but I like the schedule, but the boredom is very bad. I dislike a wandering mind. It is one reason I draw so much. The fabric doll isn't here, but I can't scroll through shops while I work due to no electronic access. The fabric doll will be here soon, but sadly, I finished my book. I always say I love Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine but the truth is that reading it made me feel something horrific so I never finished it because of the impending dread. I disliked it being described as a black comedy, but in truth, it did make me laugh a lot. But now I am horrified again.

I love my girlfriend very much and many other people, but I don't really know... My girlfriend loves me in a way that is hard to understand. I don't really know what I am. When she calls me pretty, well, a lot of the time I look at myself and don't see much of anything at all. I feel a constant flatness towards how I exist. I make art and it's what I do. I experience migraines. This is unfortunate but people go through worse. Thinness is important to me but I don't really consider myself particular attractive for this- it just allows me to wear the clothes I like.

My gifts felt like a second Christmas. For Valentine's day, I spent days preparing- deep cleaning, buying cute things, etc. I made myself presentable in some ways. My girlfriend likes my bonnets and every sleepover, I've worn one. I frequently compare myself to a big mushroom, but for my date, I wore a kuromi bandana I bought from hot topic. This allows me to have hair behind my hair, getting rid of the mushroom appearance. I do not think I am ugly with my bonnet, but I didn't want to be a mushroom on Valentine's day. I don't think she'd ever mind though, but it is just what I prefer for myself in her presence... But I will go back to mushroom..

Admittedly though, I spent a long time feeling ugly as a adolescent girl (like many other girls,)).. Now I don't view myself as ugly, but just.. I am just me. I wear lolita because I enjoy it. I recognize I'm not a 10/10 or anything.. I get bullied for my appearance rather frequently, but I am also hit on and get advances I hate. I know you should never mention it, but really.. it is somewhat of a spectacle to me. If that makes sense? My clothes get attention, but the other people are spectacles. I like when people are nice to me, but when they're mean, it's surprising too. The people mean to me are usually those closest to me- the ones who know enough about me to say something absolutely vile... So when a stranger is, I wonder.. What am I? Am I really a person? Am I a body? When I walk into a room, am I someone who is remembered? Has anyone thought of me years after meeting me in a way that isn't negative?

Does my ex think about leaving me alone in the parking lot on Valentine's day all these years later? Did my other ex really knowingly follow me on Spotify for years? Do people really want to keep those sorts of attachments? It is easiest to look away. In fact, we will look at yesterday's lunch instead of looking at those thoughts for much longer.

My  job has food trucks. It's bad to spend money on food, but it's so hard to eat.. I dislike the activity.. And this was filling. Expensive, but small.. And crab. It is a crab roll... I like crab a lot. I had a coffee for the first time in a long time. It woke me up and gave me a headache but I would've have one anyways.

Regarding disliking activities or liking something in a distant way, for Valentine's day, I made a large heart shaped brownie. I have mentioned I enjoy sweets but in a distant way. Many people would not struggle to eat an entire brownie or cake, but I ate just a few bites. My girlfriend is a similar way. We both eat things in small amounts. As a child, I was quite different and loved to binge on treats.

I am happy I did bake the brownie though I feel a bit silly.. I should've... made small cookies, but.. when we sat together, she said she needed to save room for the brownie (in reference to eating)... I was surprised.. I forgot we were going to eat it. It made me very happy. I mean food is made to be eaten? But it really surprised me.. Perhaps I made it for selfish reasons? I am not sure. I wanted it to be a very special day.

I gave her shadow pajamas. They are cute, and I have no pictures before gifting them to her.. Do know they are very cute and chances are, you can find them very easily on Hot Topic's website. The pajamas are something we discussed before, but the stock was not available. I went to HT before out date- friends invited me out.. I think I wandered off on my own. I bought earrings for work (I tend to lose all of my earrings over time, and they had a buy one get one half off deal!), and of course, I wanted to look for gifts for her there. I wanted to get her more, but she is actually hard to shop for. At least- with my quality standards. I think my girlfriend would consider her quality standards to be lower than mine, but this.. is not true. Which is why I am picky.

Next time we are together.. I should take her measurements.. I've wanted to buy us matching outfits for a long time.. but I hate eyeballing things. I was only willing to with the pajamas and even then the sizing was slightly off. It was very cute this way though.

I received a package- a few actually. Some for work (zine things) and some several itmes. More was Alastor related. My girlfriend giving me this gift was delightful.. It ended up up allowing me to fill the front of th ebag. I do plan to get  a much nicer ita bag in the future, but this one is cute. Acceptable! Wearable! Waterproof!

My boss encourages you to bring items that comfort you.. So this bag will fill that for me until I get a cubicle to decorate. I will print pictures of my loved ones. Smiles. 

The flowers.. Mother sent me a picture of the bouquet dad got for her but in the same call expressed her frustration, staring at me intently when I asked her a question I thought was basic. I looked at my flowers, hidden behind the ipad and my other arrangement of gifts.. I felt very sad. I got so sad I had to leave the call and my memories of what I did afterwards are a blur.

I e ventually read Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine to stop sulking and cried much harder. I cried and cried and cried and now I'm here. The book I take to work is now finished (silly girl- i wanted to avoid staying up late reading and I did exactly that).

I'm really am a fucking loser.. Smiles.. I am an uninteresting person obsessed with everything the people closest to me have hated. and she bought.. me things.. She loves my silliness..

I don't know who or what I am. Everything is kind of agonizing. It's why I like being isolated at work, but I worry about wasting my life, but I am just in my early 20s. There's not much to do, and I've devoted myself to art. This is actually my main problem with my job, not being able to draw on the clock or do much related to art outside of physicality, but this time will probably be important. 

And well, at least I get crab! And they've got other trucks too!  The coffee, despite the migraine, was very delicious. Everyone I work with is very kind. It's one reason I like it.. There are many people who are "in between" like me. Older people,  younger people, weird queers, the disabled, alternatives.. It feels good!

And well.. you know.. having a girlfriend as wonderful as mine really helps you wake up in the morning.. I want to have money.. to be stable for her.. I want to be.. a functioning human for her.. Is that silly?

Usually art is my everything.. and my siblings too.. But.. now there's someone there.. I mean she's always been there but.. It feels like.. I can feel it now.

it's very hard to be vulnerable for me. i think it's probably obvious. the people i feel obligated to cut off are the people i regret being vulnerable around, but i think most people can be vulnerable normally. like, the things i view as vulnerable would be basic things for other people. online and with the current culture, it's much harder. no one owes anyone anything. you don't owe a listening ear or kindness. if they're being harassed, you should deal with that alone because you are just stressing me out. bla bla bla. 

fortunately, i love all my friends and i love my gf the most. lately when i get sad, i think, you know, i have a girlfriend. lol. then i sort of don't care abt what was making me sad. i think this way with  my friends often but my gf is like.. so wonderful. the worst part abt my job is not being able to text or check in on her when it starts. she gets two days off in a row and we keep trying to plan a sleepover but guess what.. her days off are the day i start T_T i hoping she can come but my job is from 12:30 to 8:30.. that's like the entire day! we're having a sleepvoer so that might make up for it a bit but oh my god! 

my gf and i have been dating for 436 days and you know after over a year, our dynamic has changed. the snow also made things change. despite being semi-long distance, we are effected by many of the same storm systems, so while we were snowed in, we video called much more than usual. it felt kind of cosmic since i'm about to start my job and won't eb allowed to use my phone. i can only see her hwen i'm off work. i'm off two days a  week a nd leave early Saturdays. i know my schedule is good, but i just want to text my wife every once in a while. i feel like that's not a crime!!!

i've had a lot of trauma for a while. i view relationships as somethign that develop and grow deeper over time throug communication but it means that it can take a long time for me to realize i may not.. be okay. but my wife.. it keeps getting better.

she loves my glasses and my nose and thinks im cute in my bonnets. it's weird feeling. sometimes i talk abt something sad and i apologize but she says it's norma for girls who have had  strange lives to not be ab

le to avoid sad topics. she wants to see every side of me. she told me she has been thinking about my name since she first heard it in an English Class. we both are so anxious and we both communicate. we both understnad people aren't obligated to respnd but can be saddened by it.

we rely on each other and love each other very much. when i think a conversation will go horribly.. she is so lovely.

it's weird. i talk about not realizing my frineds like me. i've known my girlfriend has lvoed me but i don't know if i realized the depts of her love...  i knew we had an interest in each other before our relationship started but.. Smiles. i didin't. know. i'm trying to show her more of my art.. i move slowly because i have trust issues and art is always hard for me to share... but she is interested... my dear wife.

it's weird falling in love over and over and over again. the future is usually wishy washy but i see her. i know she loves me and i love her. smiles.

I recently have been saying 2025 was the worst year of my life. Taylor Swift lied when she made feeling 22 but I guess she's also rich and not autistic, but I realized that interpersonally and art wise, this was a pretty good year- one of my bests for personal growth even.

I mean reaching end of limit with job and being in pain everyday has been awful. My apartment situation annoys me greatly, and well, in the previous two years, I've studied abroad and been working and living on scholarships. Now I'm mostly in my home. My life has certainly gotten much harder and more stressful. It makes me miserable and sends me into anhedonia spirals, but well..

Despite the fun of my previous years, I'd say I felt very disconnected from others during this time- even people I considered myself close to. It was easy to not lean on frineds when I had hedonism to keep my bad feelings at bay.. Really since I was 19 I realized I've been feeling on edge often. This is due to a series of relationships that revolved around many assumptions being made about me and things I said often being misintepreted. I also had a lot of older people in my life who took advantage of my kindness of decided to harass me once I grew tired of their shit. It was rather bizarre.

I mention all of this to bring up that I feel my life is very beautiful relationship wise now. I really am anti "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" mindsets. Methinks much of this would've have affected me as much had I had a better uprbringing, but well, dealing with everything has allowed me to grow as a person. Much of my paranoia has gone away in recent years even if I get neurotic.. but one thing is that when I get neurotic, I have fun with my friends.

My disconnect with my friends.. I didn't realize how bad it was.. Until discussions this year.  I loved them but struggled to trust them. I operated with the idea most people would leave or grow tired of me then I had mental breakdown in July or so and talke dot my friends. It took a while but.. it finally sunk in. The people in my life love me very much and the relationships I've cultivated and chosen to keep have very strong roots. The things I joked baout relating to others on werne' tjust jokes but true. The anxieties /neuroticisms I expressed were understood and viewed empathetically.

When I messaged my friends, the feeling of doubt and worry went away. Much of this was achieved through communicating my concerns- listening back and forth, and also my autism diagnosis. I always have been one to communicate my feelings but my deep anxieties I avoiding discussing out of fear of being rejected or being too much, but.. My friends understand and relate and view me as a normal girl in spite of my neuroticisms and experience them too! And communicating those things made everything so nice.

And well. Art!!!

I released many things this year. I will always enjoy it.. releasing lots. I hosted Dollmaker and Roro Jam with friends and that was a deligth and began to plan future ideas too. 

My game release lineup was very fun. I had this concern post Meat Girl's success I'd dig myself into a whole. I had a feeling Meat Girl would be successful. I tempered my expectations, but it randomly got popular later, surprising me. I was worried I'd keep criting crepy girl yuri. I didn't though!

People on SNS talk abt the pain of personas, but well, I feel good forming an identity as an artist. Weird mentally ill black person who likes frilly and cute girls. I wondered if all my games would have lolitas then Love(BATTLE)Doll didn't ad well, I continue to work on Squid Girl World- my least popular project but the most fun to work on now that life is beautiful. Rapid progress!

I love What Is It Like to Taste even if it is a work I think people can struggle to like or understand. It is one of my favorite releases to date and feature Adelaide, who is a delight- a delight people love to hate and sometimes hate to love. I started workin gon a comic for the first time in YEARS, and got into some lolita projects.

Yes, I am delighted!

And well, I can say I am not suicidal anymore! I mean. I'm not going to lie. Sometimes I am. Being home makes me insane lol, BUT, I always thought I had no future. Dying was better.

But now, I do have hope for the future- even if I temper it. Pessimistic realism is something I always felt the need to remind myself to holy close to my heart. It's something I've been constantly reminded of too. When I was pessimstic, I'd make people uncomfortable but any optimism resulted in constant tempering of my feelings. "Be prepared for no one playing it!" "Be prepared for it not working out." I already knwo this. I do not need to be reminded.

ButI didn't realize my preparedness had really just... been me always facing every situation with the worst outcome in mind. But the end is never the end is never the end is never-

I'll get a license! Apartments here can be cheap and I'm happy most places if I have hot water and there's no infestation and I'm Alone. Desk jobs exist. Things are possible! Will it be agonizing? Yes, but I'll keep making art.

And lastly, I've had such a lovely year with my wife. Her birthday is on Christmas. She texted me drunk saying she missed me, laughing at me. We've been texting all break. My friends yelled at me during REPO when I'd stop to text her (in a funny way) and my sisters through things at me on the Monopoly Board.

But I was just so happy to hear from her and to see her happy. She showed me our matching necklaces I gave her for our anniversary, saying it was her good luck charm (though it was not making her very Lucky). I really wanted to see her and laugh with her and give her a big kiss. I've neveer felt like that with anyone...

I've had a hard time looking forward to Christmas with family, but on Christmas Eve, my sisters and I watched the Moomin Christmas and Winter epodes. It was dark. We played Monopoly and I stopped when the younger of the two cried, even though she insisted she keep playing and kept trying to give me her properties to sell to win. We made a palette on the living room floor and that is where we are sleeping.

And despite the pain of being here, it made me happy. The endless disappointments of the season pale in comparison to being with my siblings under the glow of the Christmas tree.

There are many things I've missed.. Opportunities I've had, things I've left behind for the best, and other thigns, but do know I am grateful for them all! 

Today I went outside and I took many pictures. At first, I was focused on taking coord pictures, but I began to lose interest quickly. I didn't like any of them, but I still wanted to take pictures. The campus was really empty,and I wasn't playing music on my headphones, so I just kept thinking about it being the 4th of July and the complete silence on campus.

The pictures please me. I could edit them better, perhaps I'll make an autoaction so the same effects are applied to every photo. I think I'll do this more often. I'm not sure though. A lot of my coords recently are samey, especially because it's so hot outside, and I also have lots of of thoughts but making a drawing for every single thought I have is a bit of a pain. Taking pics is faster and sometimes more fun.

These kinds of thoughts can be hard to share, but I often end up going into sad topics when I'm speaking. I'm naturally very melancholic. People consider me depressing to be around sometimes, but it's just how I am. Of course, melancholia at a certain point is unhealthy, but even as a child, I was naturally like this.

It doesn't make me sad, but I've decided I can't be close to others who get uncomfortable with my melancholia. I am just talking. I like reflecting on loneliness. It's an emotional all humans feel and ignoring it is silly. The more you grapple with it, the less it affects you. It's okay to not reflect on those things though. This is what helps me but for others it could be very bad.

Outside my window, I see fireworks. I'm kind of happy I'm inside now.I have a beautiful line of sight, so maybe i'll see even more. I really like fireworks. A lot of people on the internet complain about them.. The carbon monoxide, the loudness, scaring dogs, but well, I really delight in them. I just think they are magical almost. Chemical reactions are so interesting.

I got to see a beautiful quiet campus and now I get to see many fireworks from the comfort of my room, scattered across the city. It's not even dark, ther ewill probably be even more throughout the night. I have my camera on my tripod set up to record them. The tripod gets really tiny, so it's on my desk. Isn't that delightful?

My life. is going to get very hard, but everything feels so nice right now. The fireworks, my tripod, my beautiful clothes, hanging out with friends, lolita meets,my birthday soon, my girlfriend, and a quiet summer. This summer I don't have much money, but that's because I paid a lot of my rent in advance with my summer paycheck. I think life has the potential to be so beautiful if I keep pushing harder. 

The sky isn't completely dark yet. It's this weird dark bluey green, fading into orange, but it is still very dark. If I get any good video, I'll try to add gifs in my next entry. 

I may stay up late to watch the fireworks and probably do some game development. I finished up my visual novel for the toxic yuri jam and have been reading entries periodically. I like.. toxic yaoi a lot, but most toxic yuri in manga/webtoon doesn't interest me for various reasons, but this jam has been a delight. Indie game devs really are just.. reliable for making the kind of things I want to see consistently.

I also made something I really like, so  I hope people enjoy it. It'll be out this weekend :-) It's the biggest project I've ever made for a jam, maybe ever. Measuring a game jam game with an RPG Maker game (Ommatophilia is the one I'm thinking about) is difficult, but it is a very large game for me. It's like 23K words total and has dozens of CGs.

I hope people like it. Smiles. I'm going to work on my next RPG Maker game. I feel a bit crazy working so much. I haven't felt this motivated in ages, and usually after jams I'm very exhausted. But I've been doing artfight and game dev and chipping away at commissions slowly.

I live a beautiful life!