I have been very depressed and moody. So, my blog posts are always angsty. I blog slightly to keep up my streaks, but my desire is low because admittedly, talking about in depth problemsin my life does not appeal to me at the moment for a variety of reasons.

So, we will go over a lot of Ls and Ws from the past year, since we're in the final stretch. This will probably be worded in such a way that lacks some couth due to being a living corpse.

MY LS

• Quitting my job at the call center after HR ghosted me on accomodations for a month, I submitted a complaint about someone, was told I would not know about any action taken, only to be told by an ex-coworker that the person I submitted a complaint about passed away.This was all very upsetting in ways I cannot properly articulate


• Obviously, there was my breakup. We dated for a year, so she was integrated in my life in such a way that her absence was one I had to kind of explain to others. I've techically dated before, but it was kind of my first real relationship. I process emotions about all forms of ending relationships weirdly.. I felt less at the time than I do now, but I can't really talk about it very much for obvious reasons. So that is all I can say on that really.


• Being fired from the sex shop due to a failure of my own calculation and going "ok" to my manager when she confirmed she removed me from the schedule when I called her. A job I enjoyed; probably the biggest pain of the year


• All of my ADHD  migraine medication I've tried thus far making me sick or making my migraines worse


• The ADHD med, Straterra, making me so sick that I could not take it despite how helpful it was. It was basically was my last form of medication I could take to help live alongside ADHD. I didn't intend on taking it permanently, but I was hoping it could help me get back on my feet.


• Failed most of my classes after not having ever failed an entire class in my life


• Now owe local hospital $1500 for an MRI and EEG that didn't even give me results that is now being sent to collections due to not having consistent income

MIDDLE

• Moving back home, was verytired of this area despite loving it, but moving back home also has manydownsides


• New apartment. More expensive than I aspired for, but I was somewhat pressured into getting it by family because there was nowhere else for me to go, increasing my stress unfortunately.

MY WS

• Kail, Basicbean, and I formed Planet Angel Soup. We reached Glow of Honeydew for Ryona Jam then on Steam some months later!


• I handled most of the release stuff, I feel more confident releasing games on Steam in general


• Meat Girl has begun its Steam application process!


• I feel I've grown closer to all my friends as a result of all of this garbage.I've accumulated 100 hours in REPO which is a game I only play with friends. I love my pals


• Released two zines! Success! peoplereally enjoyed them


• I got a silhouette which is like a cricut but not shit. I don't have a printer yet but we're on our way to at home sticker making!


• The Lies of an Orchid Mantis (casually called Bug Girl Project) is doing much better dev wise and is being prepared for Steam next fest!


• Much of my Steam preparation has been possible due to my Patreon. It is at $100 a month right now and I am very happy and proud of that. It will likely go up and down forever, but I really am eternally grateful always


• RPG Maker Zine completion. Technically, I have two returns to handle due to , but aside from those, everyone has received their zines.

Anyways, this all has done a number on me and left me a bit scrambled. I simply.. I do desire to update my blog, but it will likely become a smaller thing. Today, I finally updated the blogs' php to match the distributed version. Now, all is thoroughly commented. I discovered a flaw (tags fuck up if there's spaces..?), but I have to fix that later.

But the main thing is, I'm trying hard to be less poor. That's basically it lol. I don't really have a lot of desire to post about my life due to trying so hard to not be poor. It's a bit soul sucking, but well, I'm okay. I'm hanging out with my friends, I'm devving, I'm making art. I'm going up and down. I think I'm going to die but not because I want to; it just seems inevitable, but I don't think my death is assured like it was in the past.

Have a lovely day!

I have work in 5 hours and this horrible sinking feeling in my stomach. It happens whenever I get a job and have to work. Some girls are too stupid to work is what my head tells me, but I've worked multiple jobs, so I am surely capable.

I like that I cannot use my phone at work. I do not really want to talk to anyone. I feel like I regret every conversation lately which leaves me in a neverending state of embarrassment. With strangers it's surprisingly easier but once people enter the realm of acquiantance, it's very difficult for me to really.. get it. I am not with it. I have friends too who I'm anxious around, but I'd know I'd miss them even if they were gone, but I just can't stop being afraid.

Therapy is very useful, but I am not sure how to live without fear. I do not want to be snapped at or experience a rejection. When I talked about my interest at a recent social gathering, multiple times people got very quiet, but it was not out of interest or because they were listening. It was simply that I am always saying things that bizarre because I am not a normal person.

While at times like this, it is easy to despair, I still find myself feeling comfort. I love my girlfriend very much even if I am afraid. Vulnerability feels very bad but I am constantly putting myself in awful situations because I cannot shut up. I talk about her and how I love her, but I'd rather be more quiet about our relationship, but I express things very loudly. I talk about the people and things I love nonstop.

There are certain things that invigorate me. I am not sure I like flowers but I love that I have them. I like that I am a girl receiving flowers. I have them in a vase and Citrus told me how to take care of them. You cut the ends and add water. It's very important that I do this. The flowers even have plant food attached. My girlfriend is so thoughtful. Citrus is a dear.

Mother and my sisters called and I sang her happy birthday. I told them I was considering staying here longer and I couldn't really tell how anyone felt. Children are hard to read. The youngest sister asked me why life hard in a way that was very scary. I said I used to ask the same thing, but the good moments make it worth it. I think this is true. I have a job now and I think money allows you to have a lot of happiness. I will be able to afford a studio apartment and my girlfriend can come over and I can own anything I want. Maybe I'll have a tiny dog. If my girlfriend and I live together, we will have a cat. She has this delightful creature named Fig she has raised from kittenhood (found last year).

Work is not suitable but I like the schedule, but the boredom is very bad. I dislike a wandering mind. It is one reason I draw so much. The fabric doll isn't here, but I can't scroll through shops while I work due to no electronic access. The fabric doll will be here soon, but sadly, I finished my book. I always say I love Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine but the truth is that reading it made me feel something horrific so I never finished it because of the impending dread. I disliked it being described as a black comedy, but in truth, it did make me laugh a lot. But now I am horrified again.

I love my girlfriend very much and many other people, but I don't really know... My girlfriend loves me in a way that is hard to understand. I don't really know what I am. When she calls me pretty, well, a lot of the time I look at myself and don't see much of anything at all. I feel a constant flatness towards how I exist. I make art and it's what I do. I experience migraines. This is unfortunate but people go through worse. Thinness is important to me but I don't really consider myself particular attractive for this- it just allows me to wear the clothes I like.

My gifts felt like a second Christmas. For Valentine's day, I spent days preparing- deep cleaning, buying cute things, etc. I made myself presentable in some ways. My girlfriend likes my bonnets and every sleepover, I've worn one. I frequently compare myself to a big mushroom, but for my date, I wore a kuromi bandana I bought from hot topic. This allows me to have hair behind my hair, getting rid of the mushroom appearance. I do not think I am ugly with my bonnet, but I didn't want to be a mushroom on Valentine's day. I don't think she'd ever mind though, but it is just what I prefer for myself in her presence... But I will go back to mushroom..

Admittedly though, I spent a long time feeling ugly as a adolescent girl (like many other girls,)).. Now I don't view myself as ugly, but just.. I am just me. I wear lolita because I enjoy it. I recognize I'm not a 10/10 or anything.. I get bullied for my appearance rather frequently, but I am also hit on and get advances I hate. I know you should never mention it, but really.. it is somewhat of a spectacle to me. If that makes sense? My clothes get attention, but the other people are spectacles. I like when people are nice to me, but when they're mean, it's surprising too. The people mean to me are usually those closest to me- the ones who know enough about me to say something absolutely vile... So when a stranger is, I wonder.. What am I? Am I really a person? Am I a body? When I walk into a room, am I someone who is remembered? Has anyone thought of me years after meeting me in a way that isn't negative?

Does my ex think about leaving me alone in the parking lot on Valentine's day all these years later? Did my other ex really knowingly follow me on Spotify for years? Do people really want to keep those sorts of attachments? It is easiest to look away. In fact, we will look at yesterday's lunch instead of looking at those thoughts for much longer.

My  job has food trucks. It's bad to spend money on food, but it's so hard to eat.. I dislike the activity.. And this was filling. Expensive, but small.. And crab. It is a crab roll... I like crab a lot. I had a coffee for the first time in a long time. It woke me up and gave me a headache but I would've have one anyways.

Regarding disliking activities or liking something in a distant way, for Valentine's day, I made a large heart shaped brownie. I have mentioned I enjoy sweets but in a distant way. Many people would not struggle to eat an entire brownie or cake, but I ate just a few bites. My girlfriend is a similar way. We both eat things in small amounts. As a child, I was quite different and loved to binge on treats.

I am happy I did bake the brownie though I feel a bit silly.. I should've... made small cookies, but.. when we sat together, she said she needed to save room for the brownie (in reference to eating)... I was surprised.. I forgot we were going to eat it. It made me very happy. I mean food is made to be eaten? But it really surprised me.. Perhaps I made it for selfish reasons? I am not sure. I wanted it to be a very special day.

I gave her shadow pajamas. They are cute, and I have no pictures before gifting them to her.. Do know they are very cute and chances are, you can find them very easily on Hot Topic's website. The pajamas are something we discussed before, but the stock was not available. I went to HT before out date- friends invited me out.. I think I wandered off on my own. I bought earrings for work (I tend to lose all of my earrings over time, and they had a buy one get one half off deal!), and of course, I wanted to look for gifts for her there. I wanted to get her more, but she is actually hard to shop for. At least- with my quality standards. I think my girlfriend would consider her quality standards to be lower than mine, but this.. is not true. Which is why I am picky.

Next time we are together.. I should take her measurements.. I've wanted to buy us matching outfits for a long time.. but I hate eyeballing things. I was only willing to with the pajamas and even then the sizing was slightly off. It was very cute this way though.

I received a package- a few actually. Some for work (zine things) and some several itmes. More was Alastor related. My girlfriend giving me this gift was delightful.. It ended up up allowing me to fill the front of th ebag. I do plan to get  a much nicer ita bag in the future, but this one is cute. Acceptable! Wearable! Waterproof!

My boss encourages you to bring items that comfort you.. So this bag will fill that for me until I get a cubicle to decorate. I will print pictures of my loved ones. Smiles. 

The flowers.. Mother sent me a picture of the bouquet dad got for her but in the same call expressed her frustration, staring at me intently when I asked her a question I thought was basic. I looked at my flowers, hidden behind the ipad and my other arrangement of gifts.. I felt very sad. I got so sad I had to leave the call and my memories of what I did afterwards are a blur.

I e ventually read Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine to stop sulking and cried much harder. I cried and cried and cried and now I'm here. The book I take to work is now finished (silly girl- i wanted to avoid staying up late reading and I did exactly that).

I'm really am a fucking loser.. Smiles.. I am an uninteresting person obsessed with everything the people closest to me have hated. and she bought.. me things.. She loves my silliness..

I don't know who or what I am. Everything is kind of agonizing. It's why I like being isolated at work, but I worry about wasting my life, but I am just in my early 20s. There's not much to do, and I've devoted myself to art. This is actually my main problem with my job, not being able to draw on the clock or do much related to art outside of physicality, but this time will probably be important. 

And well, at least I get crab! And they've got other trucks too!  The coffee, despite the migraine, was very delicious. Everyone I work with is very kind. It's one reason I like it.. There are many people who are "in between" like me. Older people,  younger people, weird queers, the disabled, alternatives.. It feels good!

And well.. you know.. having a girlfriend as wonderful as mine really helps you wake up in the morning.. I want to have money.. to be stable for her.. I want to be.. a functioning human for her.. Is that silly?

Usually art is my everything.. and my siblings too.. But.. now there's someone there.. I mean she's always been there but.. It feels like.. I can feel it now.

Good DAY!!! I got another job!!! Isn't that wonderful!! I mean, I have my summer job, but now I have one for Spring. It is unfortunately one I cannot do with my phone on me. I will be leaving it with security, but I hope to bring my sketchbook and work on other physical activities! The job pays well, so now I'm gearing towards preparing games for Steam again!! I'll be working full time most days of the week, so  cleaning up the assets for my Renpy!!! it's nice cause even i'll have money saved up to finish up my course load hopefully!!

i start february 9th in a nice position!! i'll have to uber there so im hoping to open up some discounted yuri skebs for the new year/v-day!!

win after win. now i just need to balance my courseload and full time work. my job goes pretty late so it'll be difficult, especially since i'm such a sleepy gal, but a consistent schedule is one i can get accustomed too.  i am up late right now though but it's because i had to prepare to get my hair braided tomorrow.. and i caught up on my game dev.. i was a bit behind but now i'm caught up with Kail and Bean.

you can tell my health is improving. i am running errands and walking around lots so i'm getting a diversity of pictures again. since i moved to my apartment, i've been interested in this bridge. below it are traintracks.

I enjoy swatches of concrete and traintracks and the graffiti made it visually interesting. I looked forward to the future but truthfully thought I'd never gather the energy to take a picture here, but I chose to walk home instead of taking the bus, and suddenly I was here. It was interesting. Off to the side is this church, and a year or two ago, I was walking through the woods lost as hell and exited at the first.

I stared at it and saw where I'd exited those years ago. It made the world feel smaller. I also went to the store today and the cashier was one of my residents. I asked him about his job. He asked if I was still an RA and I told him about my new job. It made me feel whole. 

(do add flowers to your resume).

I did also take other pictures.

(this is where you find the offices for computing. 
i spent many hours here as a freshman., there is a sign that says
endless loop because of the hallways connecting 
and you know programmer humor)

I thought being on campus would unnerve me. And well, it did, but turns out I feel much better when my classes are online. Unfortunately, school does still feel like a gray mass to me.. The beauty it once had is hard to see, but I don't really mind. Perhaps I've outgrown this place haha! I probably sound like a dork cx

Though one thing is I do find campus to be its prettiest when there are no students on it but now there is constant construction and since I am not an RA, I tend to be here when everyone else arrives. I will stay during Spring Break though so perhaps I'll take some quiet pictures then.. Listen to the morning doves. They are so lovely. Do all pigeons make that noise or is a morning dove a specific breed?

When life gets hard or I am tired of working, I must remember the joy of living without family. Screaming to REPO, being gay openly, and being a girl in body and soul rather than a religious prop that exists to never be sullied. Yes, workingon my games freely in my own housing, watching TV, choosing to clean a mess up the next day, and inviting people over when I want is the Crème D'État of life.

Oddly enough being treated worse by family seemed to ignite something within me.. I do expect more sadness to come into my life. Art always comes with sadness for me, and now I have a job, so I'll be doing projects much less (unless I do inked comics at my desk haha). Of course, I am talking to an editor now and have more funds to sink into Ophazines. The post office got scared of my International packages also so now I must stop by UPS to make sure they are okay. So... silly. Maybe it's good I never worked there. Incompetence annoys me in the workplace more than other things (despite likely coming off as incompetent myself to others T_T)

Tis has been a pain but after I get this sorted, I will be able to cleanly pack and drop off everything else at the post office in batches.

Mm aside from small excitement of buying groceries, sorting files, and seeing my cousin (WHICH WAS DELIGHTFUL), I have not much else to sayy. I in truth really wanted to gush about acquiring a steady job and post my coords haha!  

I'm excited.. Being exciting is embarrassing. It'll be silly if I get sad tomorrow. Let's hope for the best, okay? ^^

didn't mention it in entry but today i played mc for the first time since i moved haha

Hi! I haven't updated so much of August.. I finished up my final RA shifts ever (terrible time- I was up for over 48 hours at one point) and then moved to my apartment. My parents helped me move. They also bought me a DS and a Wii Fit board as a late birthday gift. I spent the next few days after they left cleaning lots. I played video games, worked on commissions, got zine pre-orders up, etc etc. I was very focused so my website was on the backburner.

I also found myself getting in sour moods. Maintenance changed the apartment locks, but getting in contact with staff is a bit exhausting so I ended up waiting until everyone moved in ont he 20th. So I refused to leave my apartment for 2 days in fear of getting locked out then on the 20th I headed down to campus. 

I took pictures. I was in one of my default outfits lol. I put up my rack and everything, so now it's easier to get dressed since I can see all my clothes. That sounds silly. This is because ADHD is stupid.

i took some pics in the library since it's been a while

My room setup was annoying and mainful, but I got there in the end. I need to get hooks to hang some more dresses on the walls, but that is for later haha. I hope to do a room tour for vlogging stuff. I love yapping about decor.

this area was the hardest to figure out. 
i split the bookshelf into two, used the nightstand by my bed as a TV stand,
and used the shortened part of my bookshelf as a nightstand.

I said I didn't do much web development, but this is technically not true. I did some maintenance to rpgmaker.cafe. I figured out how Racknerd's rescue mode work. It was horrifying, but now that I know, life is much easier ahaha. This is because I lost my SSH key with my hard drive erasure.

The rpgmaker.cafe instance was a bit gunked up because I tried to use webmin on it but ended up Hating webmin, and it fucked with a lot of my existing settings. I increased image size uploads for the instance, removed webmin, and did some other NGINX stuff. I want to open it back up and add some more things (a nice embed for links and maybe some other stuff). I ended up doing this a bit unplanned because Webmin was preventing my auto let's encrypt from running.

Anyways, I am going to a festival this weekend and gonna model. Let's hope I don't clown around. Haha. I fall in my shoes sometimes, not because they're too tall but because I am poorly coordinated and forget how to walk. I do it in flats too. Isn't that silly?

Well, to endthis off, I've been playing cozy games. Minecraft today. ACNH randomly. I even have been doing the stretching mini game. Playing it on my CRT while relaxing and thinking about time passing feels like the way God intended me to play this game.

I used to play this game with people who were very cruel and also people I still love (my siblings all have houses on the island). And now I'm away from all of them. I startedthis game as a teenager when Covid started. I was like 15 or 16. The animals still call me kiddo despite how old I am now. My character still has the name of Persona 2 creature I was fixated on at the time. There's so much new stuff yet also unfamiliar things.

It's nice.. It feles similar with Minecraft.So much familiarity yet alien things too. I like chipping away at all my stuff each day though I appreciate my teenage self for being on the turnip grind haha! I never worry about bells.

There's this animal crossing mod I installed for the old AC I plan to play on my wii (the gamecube version). It gives new skin tones and everything, but it sounds kind of overwhelming to start a new game right now, so I'm not in a rush. Taking it easy!