the skyis so nice. the patio is so nice. you have to go out and look at them.

i like when i take a bath after i crying. i like when the water is so hot it burns. it used to hurt too much fon back, but now i can submerge myself into it, only feeling the heat of the water. it's all that is needed.

found this angel chair with cute bear

today i went out with a friend who is nonbinary. i like being with nonbinary people, especially those who are gender-noncomforming in a way that i relate to. i struggle to find queer people i really get along with due to race and autism things and like being so into my subculture while people into the a lot of queer stuff will dress alternatively but don't really care about the subculture itself outside of the general idea of being 'radical', so it gets all weird.

it's weird to think about. identity is such a bizarre thing, and i feel like alternative stuff right now almost feels like a joke or buzzword, but it's like.. huge thing for me. other lolitas, goths, punks.. who are into the subculture and adults. like the music and know about all the weird inner subculture happenings. i don't know. i think people get kind of weird about identity and things, but subcultures are their own cultures and take up so much of your life. there are lots of 'subcultures' people may be into that they don't even realize they're apart of. 

anyways, i actually hungout with multiple friends this week and by that i mean two. they ended up being mutual friends, and they go to alternative parties and events. one has a car which is always so nice.

I met them a while ago, but we never hungout but stayed mutuals on Instagram so they interacted with me sometimes. Eventually, I talked to them and it was really delightful. They're honestly really great I hope we can hangout more before I leave the area T_T They invited me to some goth parties and told me about alternative clubs and concerts they go to.

It was so nice. I was really worried about coming off as weird (arriving in my nun dress- which i got kind of recently.. so beautiful sleeveless... remind me of old moitie), but they were a delight. We talked about mental health which was nice and our relationships. Told them about wifey and they told me about their dating life. I haven't dated a lot because I tend to love people for years at a time haha. Going on dates is also something I tend to not like very much though I did enjoy it with wife. Perhaps it's cause I'm of the alternative stuff I mentioned earlier.

I got this vegan burger and so did they. They've been vegan for 10 year. So cool. I talked about restaurants I liked and mentioned vegan food. I love vegan food due to having the stomach of a toddler. This restaurant has this item that comes out to you randomly. They gave me a breakfast burger and they got... a burger that confused me AHAH. They also got served extra sides. It was so much food. Both of us had leftovers.

My friend and I also went there earlier that week. I got vegan food then too. Food sensitivity is pleasant at times. Makes me eat specific kinds of foods lol.  I need to stop eating fried foods so much, but it's hard because my rice kick is over. Sticky rice and sushi and other stuff hard to get into though right now thinking about it, onigiri sounds good as hell.

I also finally started talking to a comm member I wanted to hangout with a for a while. She's very awesome, and I learned more about her in these hangouts. She wore this really awesome AATP sallopete and I found out we both like card faces. I actually struggle to find other people into card faces the way I am, and she likes them more than me. So awesome.

I forgot how nice it is to be around people you relate to. I talked about subculture stuff but got too focused on it. I actually feel more recharged when I hangout with people who relate to me in other ways. It's good to have a healthy circle of friends/hangout buddies. I also have been doing other random things lol like going t events in SecondLife held by normie avatars. I used to think they'd be weird to me because I'm weird anime avatar, but they are always chill and nice. I feel really childish around them, but they're always kind.

Anyways, yap yap. I wish I had more to say. Admittedly my cognition is not the best lately. I'm trying to take my vitamins again and get back on medication. I'm in a lot of physical pain often lol. It was rough today when I hungout, but I managed to get to a point of comfort before the hangout. Right now I'm reaching discomfort again. My period starts soon, so I think it's just my body killing itself LOL.

But yeah lots of little things happened. Met a lego store owner.

Lego machinery kind of makes my brain go brr. I didn't realize til I was there. It's very interesting to me. I think it's interesting. Do you think you can combine anime figures and lego setups for an interesting look? I always struggle with the look of legos. The little blocks and nubs are not really aesthetically pleasing to me, but I think I may change my mind.

Thinking.. Machinery lego flowers.. That's cool.. Vibrant colors.. Vibrant blocks. It's hard I kind of dislike plastic kids toys.

Anyways,  sorry that was so vague lol. It's so hard to write diary entries lately while it's hard to keep hold of my thoughts. But still, don't want to give up my hobbies.

today i am going out with my friend again. i really should be going by the post office, and i know i can if i get ready fast but i'm writing this diary entry instead lol. i'm very anxious i'm so behind on work and midterms are here. but let's not talk about that.

there's girl i know who i think i may have pictures with on this blog, not sure. she's into lolita too though not a lifestyler, but you know same community. she's also black which makes me connect with her more. we talked about gunsmith bitch and started naming dark skinned anime characters off by hand,, and i love complaining about weeb shit. we also talked about black butler. she's read all of it and she knows the exact chapter i stopped at. she has a lot of similar complaints to me about the manga's current state, but talking to her made me want to pick it back up again. i still love a lot of Kuroshitsuji.

she's interested in my games and not bothered by some of them being eroge which makes me happy! 

we hungout on Wednesday. she bought me groceries and came to my place. she has lots of vitamins in her house so brought me some. it really surprised me. she offered. i felt bad but was also happy. i have not been full in a long time and not having to immediately spend everything on groceries finally allowed me to get to a place where i can save money again, albeit slowly. 

this afternoon, we will head downtown. we'll stop by an antique store though it's right by the gaming store. i have not gotten around to buying the OMNI SD CARD (sorry) for my DS, so i'm hoping to just grab a cheap game there, but really i shouldn't buy anything. i have a trip with my girlfriend to Dollywood soon, and we're both super poor right now LOL. i want to go without spending all of my money. luckily, i actually only spend money on necessities when i'm up in the area we're headed. not much i want to buy. so i end up focusing on food and the actual theme park tickets. it still is expnsive though. A DOLLYWOOD TICKET IS $100 AND THE GUY WHO GOT ME DISCOUNTS IS HEADED OFF TO THE MILITARY. then we'll probably eat in the park and consume beverages.

my wallet afterwards..

i made some discounted yuri commissions in hopes of not spending all my money on the trip. in fact, i refuse to spend all my money on that thing. i cannot be poor again. we are going to a cheap inn and i hope to prioritize eating at cheap diners.. but erm, there's a seafood place there, so we'll see if i'm stupid (i cannot be trusted when giving option of seafood but my girlfriend is also saving and picky so it saves me.)

anyways, these are positive things. i also am trying to get dressed more often. a lot of time i refuse to leave home and not living on campus or in a beautiful place (#studentapartment) makes me want to be in pajamas all day.

Oh erm, lastly, I have been hosting a dollmaker jam. It started Oct 1st. I've been trying to figure out what I'll do. I already have my base dollmaker. People have been talking about OC dress up things, and at first I did not get it but to be honest it really appeals to me now. One for Angel and/or Charlotte Cakes in particular. I thought of one for Kie, but using Angel just feels right because she's in so many of my games.

In truth, I want to make multiple, but I know that girly games jam happens often and I may just end up hosting another dollmaker jam (or someone else can take the reigns I don't give a fuck). I really like them, and people seem excited about it. It's also low maintenance. I am trying to get into low maintenance collaborations because zine has burned me out and I still am tired from judging menhera jam last year if I'm being honest.

In fact, the tiredness sort of grows by the day, but I'm hoping once the zine is over which will hopefully be by end of this year or early January, I can be free. it's just kind of weird. figuring that out. because winter break is soon and i usually go home. i'm considering trying to work as an RA again to afford Spring Housing but we'll have to see.

the housing place i live at is also hiring but i do not. know if i will apply yet. but i am thinking about it. it's just they are kind of incompetent.