here is a picture i enjoy. the original title
of this entry was "fear of irreconciliable differences" 

Hello I have work in a few hours but I am dying. Fortunately a 3 day weekdn is coming up- one in which I have planned 3 seperate outings with the hopes of finishing up my zine work lest I start to decompose even faster. I predict thtis will not happenf or a few reasons but do believe I will try very hard.

I'm very anxious lately- to the point of illness frequently. If I don't manage to go to sleep before a particular time, I am posessessed by anxiety that digs its fingers into every part of my body, killing me or sending me into an endless dream REM haze.

To cope, I decided to do tarot again. I am still worried about my psychotic tendencies, but it is easy to feel okay when I avoid the more fortune telling tarot. I view them as a way to process feelings in a way though admittedly the witchcraft bug is getting me.

Animism is getting me particularly hard lately actually. Anyways!

This layout was "Spread for Breaking Through the Barriers of Fear" which felt a bit more middle ground. I also would not have to sort my cards. Some of my spreads require specific cards but going through them sounds a bit agonizing.

The purpose and background infromattion was "when fears and phobias are restricting your life" which felt comforting since I am dying.

• “Card 1: What is the real cause of my fear?
  
  
  
  • Five of Pentacles: This card emphasizes asking your friends for help and avoiding weathering things alone. It particularly feels useful due to.. I do this, but it is actually a cause of my anxiety lately.
    
    
    
    • I love my friends but I always think.. That they will message me out of the blue to discuss our irreconciliable differences and end our friendship. I don't think I have another heartbreak in me in me lately.
    
    
    • It's one reason I've liked work.. I just don't talk to anyone during the day, but I worry any bad feelings about me will fester. I will look at my phone and see a message about my eccentricities or cruelty or anxiety or needineses being much. I'd rather weather this alone but I know I don't need much from a friend to be happy. A simple small game sparks joy and gets me through a lot. Like Stardew.
    
    
    
    
  
  
  
  


• Card 2: Is this bad thing actually likely to happen, or is it just fear?
  
  
  
  • Two of Cups: This card was along the lines of- there’s a super amazing person in your life and you love their company. Get drunk on love..
    
    
    
    • As I grow more anxious of my friends, I feel a desire to lean more on my girlfriend, but you know, I don't want to because I don't want to be too much, but I like to lean on her and she likes to lean on me. No one comforts me as much as she does and she doesn't even need to say anything in particular.
    
    
    • I also feel as though I should be focusing on communicating with my closest friends more than group settings. It is easy to with apps like Discord but as it explodes, I'm realizing this is a time to deepend my closest connections and try to free myself from the anxieties of always having many people at the tips of my fingers.
    
    
    
    
  
  
  
  


• Card 3: What triggers/makes the fear worse?
  
  
  
  • Two of Wands (Reversal): While the card usually means planning and a concrete future, the reversal represents uncertainty of next steps. Indecision. Hesitation.
    
    
    
    • This feels very real. I actually feel mortified by not being able to figure out my next step. As I figure out new housing and everything becomes a confusing mixture of future haze and I get close to my girlfriend in a way I've never been close to anyone, I feel myself becoming more afraid.
    
    
    • As SNS becomes more unreliable, I find that I want to connect with my friends elsewhere in more one on one environments. While many people flock to things like Telegram or decentralized alternatives, I just want to exchange Line accounts with my friends. I always fall off of using it but I do enjoy it.
    
    
    
    
  
  
  
  


• Card 4: What action can I take to prevent or overcome my fear?”
  
  
  
  • The Moon (Reversed): Usually means intuition, the subconscious, illusions, or fear. Difficult to read reversed. The book says “wake up your wild side” and do things in a new way. A new way? It reversed like this makes sense. I’m strugging to understand. The path forward is to release fear but what do I do? 
    
    
    
    • I read more. There are things about clouds of uncertainty or confrontations of fears and illusions, but I'm unsure of how to confront these things other than just pushing forward- which I am doing but still struggling with. Perhaps a leap of faith is required? 
    
    
    • As I type this my gf messages me and I look at the naked women dancing under the moon in the reversed card and the creature in the depths..
    
    
    • It is hard to make sense of. I guess it is hard to illuminate, but well.. I think I will just keep looking for the answer. Perhaps, I just need to focus on my goals, and the answer is in front of me but I keep being anxious anyways. Apartment, working, devving, etc... Being a whole human. 
    
    
    
    
  
  
  
  

I continue to like these cards.. Lesbian. Good for me. I disliked them at first due to my hipsterisms and my memories attached but they are very special to me.

As I reflect on how tired I will be at work tomorrow.. I feel much regret.. But I think.. now I can sleep. I am anxious for no reason. Go to sleep.

Also, something silly. I put my outfits for the first week together for the most part and accidentally twinned with him.. Down to the stompy hooves.

I have work in 5 hours and this horrible sinking feeling in my stomach. It happens whenever I get a job and have to work. Some girls are too stupid to work is what my head tells me, but I've worked multiple jobs, so I am surely capable.

I like that I cannot use my phone at work. I do not really want to talk to anyone. I feel like I regret every conversation lately which leaves me in a neverending state of embarrassment. With strangers it's surprisingly easier but once people enter the realm of acquiantance, it's very difficult for me to really.. get it. I am not with it. I have friends too who I'm anxious around, but I'd know I'd miss them even if they were gone, but I just can't stop being afraid.

Therapy is very useful, but I am not sure how to live without fear. I do not want to be snapped at or experience a rejection. When I talked about my interest at a recent social gathering, multiple times people got very quiet, but it was not out of interest or because they were listening. It was simply that I am always saying things that bizarre because I am not a normal person.

While at times like this, it is easy to despair, I still find myself feeling comfort. I love my girlfriend very much even if I am afraid. Vulnerability feels very bad but I am constantly putting myself in awful situations because I cannot shut up. I talk about her and how I love her, but I'd rather be more quiet about our relationship, but I express things very loudly. I talk about the people and things I love nonstop.

There are certain things that invigorate me. I am not sure I like flowers but I love that I have them. I like that I am a girl receiving flowers. I have them in a vase and Citrus told me how to take care of them. You cut the ends and add water. It's very important that I do this. The flowers even have plant food attached. My girlfriend is so thoughtful. Citrus is a dear.

Mother and my sisters called and I sang her happy birthday. I told them I was considering staying here longer and I couldn't really tell how anyone felt. Children are hard to read. The youngest sister asked me why life hard in a way that was very scary. I said I used to ask the same thing, but the good moments make it worth it. I think this is true. I have a job now and I think money allows you to have a lot of happiness. I will be able to afford a studio apartment and my girlfriend can come over and I can own anything I want. Maybe I'll have a tiny dog. If my girlfriend and I live together, we will have a cat. She has this delightful creature named Fig she has raised from kittenhood (found last year).

Work is not suitable but I like the schedule, but the boredom is very bad. I dislike a wandering mind. It is one reason I draw so much. The fabric doll isn't here, but I can't scroll through shops while I work due to no electronic access. The fabric doll will be here soon, but sadly, I finished my book. I always say I love Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine but the truth is that reading it made me feel something horrific so I never finished it because of the impending dread. I disliked it being described as a black comedy, but in truth, it did make me laugh a lot. But now I am horrified again.

I love my girlfriend very much and many other people, but I don't really know... My girlfriend loves me in a way that is hard to understand. I don't really know what I am. When she calls me pretty, well, a lot of the time I look at myself and don't see much of anything at all. I feel a constant flatness towards how I exist. I make art and it's what I do. I experience migraines. This is unfortunate but people go through worse. Thinness is important to me but I don't really consider myself particular attractive for this- it just allows me to wear the clothes I like.

My gifts felt like a second Christmas. For Valentine's day, I spent days preparing- deep cleaning, buying cute things, etc. I made myself presentable in some ways. My girlfriend likes my bonnets and every sleepover, I've worn one. I frequently compare myself to a big mushroom, but for my date, I wore a kuromi bandana I bought from hot topic. This allows me to have hair behind my hair, getting rid of the mushroom appearance. I do not think I am ugly with my bonnet, but I didn't want to be a mushroom on Valentine's day. I don't think she'd ever mind though, but it is just what I prefer for myself in her presence... But I will go back to mushroom..

Admittedly though, I spent a long time feeling ugly as a adolescent girl (like many other girls,)).. Now I don't view myself as ugly, but just.. I am just me. I wear lolita because I enjoy it. I recognize I'm not a 10/10 or anything.. I get bullied for my appearance rather frequently, but I am also hit on and get advances I hate. I know you should never mention it, but really.. it is somewhat of a spectacle to me. If that makes sense? My clothes get attention, but the other people are spectacles. I like when people are nice to me, but when they're mean, it's surprising too. The people mean to me are usually those closest to me- the ones who know enough about me to say something absolutely vile... So when a stranger is, I wonder.. What am I? Am I really a person? Am I a body? When I walk into a room, am I someone who is remembered? Has anyone thought of me years after meeting me in a way that isn't negative?

Does my ex think about leaving me alone in the parking lot on Valentine's day all these years later? Did my other ex really knowingly follow me on Spotify for years? Do people really want to keep those sorts of attachments? It is easiest to look away. In fact, we will look at yesterday's lunch instead of looking at those thoughts for much longer.

My  job has food trucks. It's bad to spend money on food, but it's so hard to eat.. I dislike the activity.. And this was filling. Expensive, but small.. And crab. It is a crab roll... I like crab a lot. I had a coffee for the first time in a long time. It woke me up and gave me a headache but I would've have one anyways.

Regarding disliking activities or liking something in a distant way, for Valentine's day, I made a large heart shaped brownie. I have mentioned I enjoy sweets but in a distant way. Many people would not struggle to eat an entire brownie or cake, but I ate just a few bites. My girlfriend is a similar way. We both eat things in small amounts. As a child, I was quite different and loved to binge on treats.

I am happy I did bake the brownie though I feel a bit silly.. I should've... made small cookies, but.. when we sat together, she said she needed to save room for the brownie (in reference to eating)... I was surprised.. I forgot we were going to eat it. It made me very happy. I mean food is made to be eaten? But it really surprised me.. Perhaps I made it for selfish reasons? I am not sure. I wanted it to be a very special day.

I gave her shadow pajamas. They are cute, and I have no pictures before gifting them to her.. Do know they are very cute and chances are, you can find them very easily on Hot Topic's website. The pajamas are something we discussed before, but the stock was not available. I went to HT before out date- friends invited me out.. I think I wandered off on my own. I bought earrings for work (I tend to lose all of my earrings over time, and they had a buy one get one half off deal!), and of course, I wanted to look for gifts for her there. I wanted to get her more, but she is actually hard to shop for. At least- with my quality standards. I think my girlfriend would consider her quality standards to be lower than mine, but this.. is not true. Which is why I am picky.

Next time we are together.. I should take her measurements.. I've wanted to buy us matching outfits for a long time.. but I hate eyeballing things. I was only willing to with the pajamas and even then the sizing was slightly off. It was very cute this way though.

I received a package- a few actually. Some for work (zine things) and some several itmes. More was Alastor related. My girlfriend giving me this gift was delightful.. It ended up up allowing me to fill the front of th ebag. I do plan to get  a much nicer ita bag in the future, but this one is cute. Acceptable! Wearable! Waterproof!

My boss encourages you to bring items that comfort you.. So this bag will fill that for me until I get a cubicle to decorate. I will print pictures of my loved ones. Smiles. 

The flowers.. Mother sent me a picture of the bouquet dad got for her but in the same call expressed her frustration, staring at me intently when I asked her a question I thought was basic. I looked at my flowers, hidden behind the ipad and my other arrangement of gifts.. I felt very sad. I got so sad I had to leave the call and my memories of what I did afterwards are a blur.

I e ventually read Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine to stop sulking and cried much harder. I cried and cried and cried and now I'm here. The book I take to work is now finished (silly girl- i wanted to avoid staying up late reading and I did exactly that).

I'm really am a fucking loser.. Smiles.. I am an uninteresting person obsessed with everything the people closest to me have hated. and she bought.. me things.. She loves my silliness..

I don't know who or what I am. Everything is kind of agonizing. It's why I like being isolated at work, but I worry about wasting my life, but I am just in my early 20s. There's not much to do, and I've devoted myself to art. This is actually my main problem with my job, not being able to draw on the clock or do much related to art outside of physicality, but this time will probably be important. 

And well, at least I get crab! And they've got other trucks too!  The coffee, despite the migraine, was very delicious. Everyone I work with is very kind. It's one reason I like it.. There are many people who are "in between" like me. Older people,  younger people, weird queers, the disabled, alternatives.. It feels good!

And well.. you know.. having a girlfriend as wonderful as mine really helps you wake up in the morning.. I want to have money.. to be stable for her.. I want to be.. a functioning human for her.. Is that silly?

Usually art is my everything.. and my siblings too.. But.. now there's someone there.. I mean she's always been there but.. It feels like.. I can feel it now.

Today I did a tarot reading for the first time in some time. I used the Celtic Cross spread because I've always liked big spreads though after this I intend to focus on small ones. I kept my notes in my app. I did not read reversals for this spread in particular because it made more sense without them, but I think I will for smaller spreads if I get into doing tarot consistently again.

(One reason I struggle is due to shuffling..)

I use the book for my card set though did double check some of the reversals.

1. Where am I right now?
   
   
   
   • Four of Wands symbolizes a luxurious garden and good times being on the horizon (even if it's a surprise) and taking a break from hardwork.
   
   
   • I have a job now, and my interview period is over. I've been on the grind for a long time, but now I'm working full time. My job is relatively easy even with the problems. 
   
   
   • Another thing is that my girlfriend and I's relationship feels full of flower lately. When  I talk to her, I feel very happy. This feels like the fruit of prioritizing communication and stability despite all of my fears. It was difficult for me, but I wanted to do it for her and it feels like the path forward is breezy.
   
   
   
   


2. Potential Challenges
   
   
   
   
   • Two of Swords can focus on raising defenses againnst opposition and putting on blindfolds. A problem is not being dealt with honestly and an issue must be confronted.
   
   
   • When I think about this card.. I think about my life after summer and my housing. I keep thinking I'll live with my mom but she is not the ideal person to live with. I feel as though it is something I should be trying hard to take care of but keep looking away from. When friends express concern, I simply don't want to go over it.
   
   
   • Another issue is that I've been less vulnerable and unreachable because I am afraid. I do not consider myself to be an avoidant person, more leaning towards protecting my peace, but even lately with friends, at times I isolate to avoid discussing my feelings.
   
   
   • Lastly, I am still not taking care of my disabiltiy. I could be better with simple changes in my life that I do for a long period, but I just haven't prioritized it.
   
   
   
   


3. What To Focus On?
   
   
   
   • King of Pentacles indicates that the holder has all they wish for but despite it, remains trusting and generous. It is a nice reminder.. As mentioned I am less vulnerable in general and have a tendency to want to be alone recently or around the people I'm used to, but it's easy to become meaner when I feel this way..
   
   
   • I want to be kind and when I have income, support my friends. I worry I've been thinking about other things, but I want to suport the people who've supporoted me and continue to be give my loved ones gifts.. Especially my siblings and my girlfriend.
   
   
   
   


4. Your Past
   
   
   
   • I pulled Seven of Pentacles. This card focused on taking a break from a project I've been nurting and focusing on other things, even if the fruits of the old project are visible. I looked at my RPG Maker project, the large 3D one, and decided it was too mcuh for me right now, so I took a hiatus from it's development, at least until I am more skilled.
   
   
   • I took chose to take many breaks actually though I'm still in the process of being freed from those responsibilities due to needing to finish them before I can embrace rest.
   
   
   
   


5. Strengths
   
   
   
   • I got Death which didn't surprise me. As I get older, I find myself havin gto let go of things more and more. It's hard for me, but I'm good at recognizing when it must be done.  And I can finally.. talk about my trauma openly. I try not to trauma dump, but I can explain why I am the way that I am without crying.. It was something that happened to me, so I want to be able to discuss a lot of it because it's all significant parts of my life. I can talk about it without reliving it.
   
   
   
   


6. Near Future
   
   
   
   • Queen of Cups emphasized creativity, struggling to stay on solid ground, empathy, and a comforting presence, and a emotional wellbeing. Part of me is mystified by this card but the focus on myself and my girlfriend I plan to have, my new hobbies, and my new way of living lets it come together. I'm picking up newer hobbies and well, while I am not emotionally well, as mentioned, I'm much closer to my wife than ever before and I'm going to therapy.. Becoming financially stable and planning more outings. 
   
   
   
   


7. Suggested Approach
   
   
   
   • Nine of Pentacles: Everything is going well.. Peaches and daisies.  Smart decisions have been made, time and money have been managed wisely.. With this in mind, I hope to continue making smart decisions. I mananged to get a job to pay off my rent and travel for summer again. I have a desire to shop and do silly things, but I must continue focusing on the grand prize.. Paying for game dev help, getting to work, and thinking about my housing for the future.
   
   
   
   


8. What You Need to Know
   
   
   
   
   • Queen of Pentacles represents a stable and simple life with people and activities that bring her joy. To me.. This represents pragmatism. When life is going well, I tend to aim higher, but I must do what I can.. I don't need to get higher to be happy, especially when life is going so well!
   
   
   
   


9. Hopes and Fears
   
   
   
   • Queen of Swords  is characterized by bluntness, unflinching perception, and a truthful nature that does lack compassion.
   
   
   • Well, in recent tiemes, as slightly indicated above, I've been afraid of lacking sense. Many times in the past, I wish I'd said more in relationships when I felt like something was off, but I never did and ended up severing things when it felt irreperable. It's something I want to improve upon, but I am afraid. The line between bluntness and compassion.. It's hard to see. People are hurt easily, but they'll hurt you if you don't talk to them whether it is on purpose or not.
   
   
   
   


10. Your Potential Future
    
    
    
    • For this I pulled Five of Wands. Honestly, yeah. It's focused on battle, competition, but it's not defined by friendliness or ugliness. It could be either, but in the end it will be exhausting.
    
    
    • Not very surprising.. I feel like conflicts come up.. Especially since I work and am an artist. Things happen. I try to avoid them but tend to get more exhausted. Since it is a 'potential future,' perhaps I will try to avoid conflict entirely by speaking up when I feel I should or shutting things down before it gets too bad
    
    
    
    

That was fun. I haven't done tarot in ages. I'd like to do it more but who knows if I will? This deck is one that is special to me, and it is also very popular. I am considering buying a new one because... This one appeared in a weird time in my life.. So I'd like to get one that is not associated with those times. When I used them, I also didn't feel as connected to them as I used to be, so I realized it's time. There is one deck I dream of i can obtain if I try but many I know I'd enjoy (rabbit tarots in particular.)

Have a wonderful day!!!

it's very hard to be vulnerable for me. i think it's probably obvious. the people i feel obligated to cut off are the people i regret being vulnerable around, but i think most people can be vulnerable normally. like, the things i view as vulnerable would be basic things for other people. online and with the current culture, it's much harder. no one owes anyone anything. you don't owe a listening ear or kindness. if they're being harassed, you should deal with that alone because you are just stressing me out. bla bla bla. 

fortunately, i love all my friends and i love my gf the most. lately when i get sad, i think, you know, i have a girlfriend. lol. then i sort of don't care abt what was making me sad. i think this way with  my friends often but my gf is like.. so wonderful. the worst part abt my job is not being able to text or check in on her when it starts. she gets two days off in a row and we keep trying to plan a sleepover but guess what.. her days off are the day i start T_T i hoping she can come but my job is from 12:30 to 8:30.. that's like the entire day! we're having a sleepvoer so that might make up for it a bit but oh my god! 

my gf and i have been dating for 436 days and you know after over a year, our dynamic has changed. the snow also made things change. despite being semi-long distance, we are effected by many of the same storm systems, so while we were snowed in, we video called much more than usual. it felt kind of cosmic since i'm about to start my job and won't eb allowed to use my phone. i can only see her hwen i'm off work. i'm off two days a  week a nd leave early Saturdays. i know my schedule is good, but i just want to text my wife every once in a while. i feel like that's not a crime!!!

i've had a lot of trauma for a while. i view relationships as somethign that develop and grow deeper over time throug communication but it means that it can take a long time for me to realize i may not.. be okay. but my wife.. it keeps getting better.

she loves my glasses and my nose and thinks im cute in my bonnets. it's weird feeling. sometimes i talk abt something sad and i apologize but she says it's norma for girls who have had  strange lives to not be ab

le to avoid sad topics. she wants to see every side of me. she told me she has been thinking about my name since she first heard it in an English Class. we both are so anxious and we both communicate. we both understnad people aren't obligated to respnd but can be saddened by it.

we rely on each other and love each other very much. when i think a conversation will go horribly.. she is so lovely.

it's weird. i talk about not realizing my frineds like me. i've known my girlfriend has lvoed me but i don't know if i realized the depts of her love...  i knew we had an interest in each other before our relationship started but.. Smiles. i didin't. know. i'm trying to show her more of my art.. i move slowly because i have trust issues and art is always hard for me to share... but she is interested... my dear wife.

it's weird falling in love over and over and over again. the future is usually wishy washy but i see her. i know she loves me and i love her. smiles.