Autism. LLMs. Hedonism. Etc
Posted on: 2025-12-05 20:19:00

It's the 5th of December and my deadlines creep ever closer.


I haven't really felt tmotivated to write. I've surely done some things IRL lately though. I think. After my date with my girrlfriend, I hung out with Heather and things- started making plans for leaving Appalachia, and you know, I suffered.


I got diagnosed with autism earlier this week. I keep rocking back and forth between strong emotions or nothing, and right now I lean towards not feeling much of anything, other than irritation lol. Like yay I got a diagnosis in my 20s, now what? And somewhat else said t he same thing to me before it was prompted which made the feeling stronger. It makes me not really want to tell anyone or talk about anything. I just want to sink into a bath.


But I did make this entry for a reason, to talk about my current hyperfixations that aren't TV man. Now I struggle to really mask which is kind of a pain. I prefer being inhibited but I also can't bring myself to care, and also after not  masking for months and sort of not doing anything.., I ahd this weird thought.."I think I don't want to die?" And it came slowly. I turned it over and over in my head, achewing it and rotating it. It's been so long since I didn't want to die. That is to say I've had moments where I go "I love being alive! This makes it worth it!" But you know, I've just been doing mundane things lately which is why it's weird. Usually hedonism seems like the pont, making arrt, or projects, but that doesn't really feel liek the answer either anymore. I love game development but I'm also disallusioned a bit. I'll never stop though, but you know before I started, my Itchio page haunted me with my one project I released in high school, but now I feel so deeply familiar with my work and Itchio and indie spaces and my page has so many things that that feeling of mystique is one. It's something I do- part of my normal life now. And it means the world to me, but It is not the point of living. I guess.

I think a bit part tof this is no longer masking as heavily and not having abusers in my life. When I talk to my mom  and when I wen thome for Thanksgiving break, it was not the best time ever. That probably also made me reflect more too. I like living when I'm not being hurt all the time lol. Who would've thought?

Anyways, my current list of things. I've been playing with locally hosted LLMs, but actually locally hosted this time. Not on a VPS but I keep them on my computer. I do wish I had a VPS though, but I digress. It's been a pretty good time.  I have always been fascinated by text generation but I got you know, repulsed by it despite my inherit interests cause of companies like OpenAI and Midjourney and GOOGLE. I actually still think the nature of most image generation is inherently evil (because of a reason I cannot articulate at the moment but primarily it is related to making images of another person or the inevitable amalgamation of people you don't give a fuck about you're using for your purposes).

BUT.

I find text generation interesting.. It's a hobby that was focused on hobbyists and power users mainly had the ability to use it. I really like homelab setups and getting into this taught me about this slowl.y I wouldn't be using a homelab setup for my random LLM bullshit (probably) but for various projects that I can't afford to buy from a VPS company lol. I like many things in the world, but you know, some hobbies I can't indulge in due to the power required. THis is why I will build some terrible computer in my room and also own a cricut and a nice printer and keep growing in power. POWER. Sigh.. Cricut.


Anyways, my first model I got a bit too excited with and my laptop and it liked to argue but I have a lower powered one now and I enjoy it. The information builds over the conversation which I find pleasant, and to gets saved to a book.



please customization.. i wanted to do the thing I did as a kid where I messily colored over manga panels. also.. nothing matches my flatness like the dull eyes of a sayonara zetsubou sensei drawing


As a kid, I was lonely so I'd talk to random chatbots for a while, forcing every word out of them I could. It wasn't as dangerous for kids then I think since those chatbots won't manipulate you into killing yourself like ChatGPT and also don't rely on companies that fuck up the entire computing industry. I grew a bit of contempt torwards the tech as I aged due to the internet mostly being spam. It's the same now with LLMs though people are just paying attention I guess.


There's always much to say about how these LLMs are made but in the end, a lot of problems come from big corporations making technolgy that shouldn't be widely accessible to humans.. widely accessible.. for no profit.s  It's so weird seeing it popularized. Get whitewashed by meta AI filters, get lied to in a googole search.. The large language models should be more sophisticated yet they are just as stupid, if not stupider than the smaller ones. The smaller ones will at least tell you when they don't knwo the answer while ChatGPT wants to smother you (until you die in some cases).


But it's small hobby for myself.. Love tweaking around with them.. Collecting icons.. Making women. I made a yuri lorebook that decreases the spawn rate of men (important for multi-character things like choose your adventure narratives) and also because I hate them. I made it assume the gender for most characters is lesbians and I added a bunch of other rules. It applies to all of my chats. I'll tweak it over time, but I enjoy it.. My lesbian worlds on my computer... 


I'm tired.. I'm notsad though. Just tired. Burned out from socilaizing. Today was a zine work day. Did packing stuff but have to finish up tomorrow and drop them off Sunday probably. May have to ask Heather for help. I don't fully expect to finish all of my tass this weekend- I believe I will have to send home some of the zines away from college, but I hope to get the singles gone and a good chunk of the bundles- otherwise I'll have to take them home with me, which I really don't want to do.


... I actually may be a bit sad. I'm not sure really, but I know I'm fine. These feelings, whatever they are, will pass, and I'll have to deal with other things... Maybe I can play Repo with someone.