i am better today. i think i woke up feeling terrible yesterday so i was really, erm, overdramatic because the pain was so much worse than usual smiles. but i'm okay right now! it's 8:47AM and i just took ibuprofen. today i have therapy and i see my psychiatrist, but right now~

let's talk about my wife!!!!

my girlfriend right now has a new haircut. i know my girlfriend has changed her hair drastically in her life before. she told me at one point she had half her head shaved and growing it out was terrible. she dyes her hair herself often too. this time, she went somewhere and got a new haircut.

you might be wondering "why are you wearing a tiara?"
it was $9 at the antique store... and i've been wanting one

We found this strange hallway in the mall with kid's games lol. It was funny. There was this crab walk thing, and my girlfriend goes "who would do the crab walk in-" and she turns towards me as I'm crab walking. Then later she crab walked. The singular brain cell comes for us all.

i thought we could take a cute picture here
then we go got confused about two people on a hopscotch posing

The mall was technically after we got dinner. It was fun. I really just wanted to go by Miniso. My girlfriend gets confused hwen buying me gifts, and I was too stressed to make a wishlist so she ended up getting me a Kuromi towel while we were iin miniso... Now it's in my bathroom lol. The bathroom so much cuter now. I need a Kuromi bathmat. Perhaps I record a room tour today?

Anyways, before the mall, we got Dinner.. Though it was right after lunch time. My girlfriend usually orders an appetizer with sides because she's picky while I got crab legs lol. The next day I discovered crab legs only have 600 calories. For context, while I don't do OMAD, my diet is pretty similar to it and my body is falling apart so I likely should've gotten more shrimp ahah.

they saw my tiara and asked what we were celebrating.. i was vague at first because i didn't wanna out myself 
but did ultimately and they gave us icecream!! isn't it beautiful!

Smiles. I'm a private person and while I don't consider myself fully closeted, I still operate carefully hehe. I think it's obvious when my girlfriend and I are together that we're a couple a lot of the time, but I'm still not too worried because a lot of people still lack cognizance that lesbians exist (even other queers really).

I never thought about being treated nicely like this for celebrating with my girlfriend.. It's nice. I wonder if it'll happen again in the future! Are anniversary desserts common?

I didn't take pictures in my room LOL, but I wanted to play a game.. I didn't know what to play but she said she'd be happy watching. (My girlfriend is the kind of personI wanted to play something I could get through quickly, so I showed her Dream BBQ since it's a quick playthrough. I ended up seeing 2 new things which was crazy. I FAILED TO SHOW HER THE GENIE THOUGH DESPITE DOING TWO PLAYTHROUGHS.. 

But I showed her both ways to get to the top (the taxi w/ purge event and the whole wizard way). It was nice. I've shown her ENA on two dates now, but ENA is so slow releasing.. I wonder when I'll be able to her again.. I have some DVDs for us to watch so I was planning to watch The Hills Have Eyes this time, but then.. time. Time is always limited. We're hoping to see each other before Winter Break but time.

Anyway, thank you for hearing me les out! Here's an HK.

i haven't been able to sleep for reasons that are obvious. let's not talk about it lol. i should read some manga i've been putting off while i'm so excited...

my therapist told me having plans made for special time will help me make plans for things i need to do, but truthfully my plan i made was to go downtown tomorrow, but i think i'd rather not at all, but knowing my girlfriend is coming the 18th feels good..  so perhaps that counts as something..

speaking of. our 1 year anniversary is the 25th. i already gave her her gift though i never posted pictures here because i wanted to sort through them amongst other reasons.. but i should write about it before my next date.

i found these on an outing with friends!

But yes. She liked it. Very delightful. The Inn was pretty cute. I got it for pretty cheap with my amazing fear of bed bugs and broke aura. 

to be somewhere with someone i love. it is so very dear

once we get up thereee ♫⋆｡♪ ₊˚♬ ﾟ.

The lower pics were taken on a place called the island which has some noticeable restaurants owned by famous people. The only one of particular importance to me is Paula Deen's (who yes is controversial but i love garlic roll). We actually ate elsewhere, a place full of bright screens everywehere. We stopped by a video game store too.

The ferris wheel was really nice. I thought I preferred open carriages for the ferris wheel itself, but I found the silence in the carriage to be so very nice. I didn't realize I was a bit overstimulated until the silence. It was nice seeing the glowing rides below, the billboards in the mountains, and being ??? feet above the weird conservatives below in their shitty Confederacy Cowboy hats.

The next day was fun too. The ATL comm came to Dollywood this year. Unfortunately they had some struggles with timing, but you know I was fine. I'm always happy to be with rain though it was a shame not to spend more time with Jasteria since she's nice.

I admittedly didn't get many pictures. It was Fall Festival, so I wanted to speed through to run through as many rides as possible since Rain doesn't go to amusement parks a lot. We have to get our $100 worth!!

this top one is on Jasteria's crisp camera lol

Uploading these giggling like an idiot

I was focused on my wife and the park and also a lot of people were there so not too many pics but it was a special day so I wanted to document itt despite my exhaustion ahaha. 

The park itself is beautiful though, especially in fall, so I took a few more things as we walked. It's easy to take pictures objects/structures over yourself haha! No tripod setup.

these were originally over 5000 pixels wide iphone why

I always like Dolly Parton's church being there. The second image excites me especially because this was the first year I roode the train despite coming more than a few times prior. So I got to see the park from an angle I'd never seen and rides that were currently being consturcted!

And you know I love trains. And it was so nice being with my wife on the train. The train with the music that was so loud~ Loud music~ Dolly and a blues band~ Love love looove

I'm going to fail at sleeping now. I wanted to write before too much time passed.. You see.. The memory won't be as crisp.. Thhough perhaps writing it tired is not ideal either...

LASTLY. Figured out the admin bug just now. Will I fix it? Who knows!

found this angel chair with cute bear

today i went out with a friend who is nonbinary. i like being with nonbinary people, especially those who are gender-noncomforming in a way that i relate to. i struggle to find queer people i really get along with due to race and autism things and like being so into my subculture while people into the a lot of queer stuff will dress alternatively but don't really care about the subculture itself outside of the general idea of being 'radical', so it gets all weird.

it's weird to think about. identity is such a bizarre thing, and i feel like alternative stuff right now almost feels like a joke or buzzword, but it's like.. huge thing for me. other lolitas, goths, punks.. who are into the subculture and adults. like the music and know about all the weird inner subculture happenings. i don't know. i think people get kind of weird about identity and things, but subcultures are their own cultures and take up so much of your life. there are lots of 'subcultures' people may be into that they don't even realize they're apart of. 

anyways, i actually hungout with multiple friends this week and by that i mean two. they ended up being mutual friends, and they go to alternative parties and events. one has a car which is always so nice.

I met them a while ago, but we never hungout but stayed mutuals on Instagram so they interacted with me sometimes. Eventually, I talked to them and it was really delightful. They're honestly really great I hope we can hangout more before I leave the area T_T They invited me to some goth parties and told me about alternative clubs and concerts they go to.

It was so nice. I was really worried about coming off as weird (arriving in my nun dress- which i got kind of recently.. so beautiful sleeveless... remind me of old moitie), but they were a delight. We talked about mental health which was nice and our relationships. Told them about wifey and they told me about their dating life. I haven't dated a lot because I tend to love people for years at a time haha. Going on dates is also something I tend to not like very much though I did enjoy it with wife. Perhaps it's cause I'm of the alternative stuff I mentioned earlier.

I got this vegan burger and so did they. They've been vegan for 10 year. So cool. I talked about restaurants I liked and mentioned vegan food. I love vegan food due to having the stomach of a toddler. This restaurant has this item that comes out to you randomly. They gave me a breakfast burger and they got... a burger that confused me AHAH. They also got served extra sides. It was so much food. Both of us had leftovers.

My friend and I also went there earlier that week. I got vegan food then too. Food sensitivity is pleasant at times. Makes me eat specific kinds of foods lol.  I need to stop eating fried foods so much, but it's hard because my rice kick is over. Sticky rice and sushi and other stuff hard to get into though right now thinking about it, onigiri sounds good as hell.

I also finally started talking to a comm member I wanted to hangout with a for a while. She's very awesome, and I learned more about her in these hangouts. She wore this really awesome AATP sallopete and I found out we both like card faces. I actually struggle to find other people into card faces the way I am, and she likes them more than me. So awesome.

I forgot how nice it is to be around people you relate to. I talked about subculture stuff but got too focused on it. I actually feel more recharged when I hangout with people who relate to me in other ways. It's good to have a healthy circle of friends/hangout buddies. I also have been doing other random things lol like going t events in SecondLife held by normie avatars. I used to think they'd be weird to me because I'm weird anime avatar, but they are always chill and nice. I feel really childish around them, but they're always kind.

Anyways, yap yap. I wish I had more to say. Admittedly my cognition is not the best lately. I'm trying to take my vitamins again and get back on medication. I'm in a lot of physical pain often lol. It was rough today when I hungout, but I managed to get to a point of comfort before the hangout. Right now I'm reaching discomfort again. My period starts soon, so I think it's just my body killing itself LOL.

But yeah lots of little things happened. Met a lego store owner.

Lego machinery kind of makes my brain go brr. I didn't realize til I was there. It's very interesting to me. I think it's interesting. Do you think you can combine anime figures and lego setups for an interesting look? I always struggle with the look of legos. The little blocks and nubs are not really aesthetically pleasing to me, but I think I may change my mind.

Thinking.. Machinery lego flowers.. That's cool.. Vibrant colors.. Vibrant blocks. It's hard I kind of dislike plastic kids toys.

Anyways,  sorry that was so vague lol. It's so hard to write diary entries lately while it's hard to keep hold of my thoughts. But still, don't want to give up my hobbies.

today i am going out with my friend again. i really should be going by the post office, and i know i can if i get ready fast but i'm writing this diary entry instead lol. i'm very anxious i'm so behind on work and midterms are here. but let's not talk about that.

there's girl i know who i think i may have pictures with on this blog, not sure. she's into lolita too though not a lifestyler, but you know same community. she's also black which makes me connect with her more. we talked about gunsmith bitch and started naming dark skinned anime characters off by hand,, and i love complaining about weeb shit. we also talked about black butler. she's read all of it and she knows the exact chapter i stopped at. she has a lot of similar complaints to me about the manga's current state, but talking to her made me want to pick it back up again. i still love a lot of Kuroshitsuji.

she's interested in my games and not bothered by some of them being eroge which makes me happy! 

we hungout on Wednesday. she bought me groceries and came to my place. she has lots of vitamins in her house so brought me some. it really surprised me. she offered. i felt bad but was also happy. i have not been full in a long time and not having to immediately spend everything on groceries finally allowed me to get to a place where i can save money again, albeit slowly. 

this afternoon, we will head downtown. we'll stop by an antique store though it's right by the gaming store. i have not gotten around to buying the OMNI SD CARD (sorry) for my DS, so i'm hoping to just grab a cheap game there, but really i shouldn't buy anything. i have a trip with my girlfriend to Dollywood soon, and we're both super poor right now LOL. i want to go without spending all of my money. luckily, i actually only spend money on necessities when i'm up in the area we're headed. not much i want to buy. so i end up focusing on food and the actual theme park tickets. it still is expnsive though. A DOLLYWOOD TICKET IS $100 AND THE GUY WHO GOT ME DISCOUNTS IS HEADED OFF TO THE MILITARY. then we'll probably eat in the park and consume beverages.

my wallet afterwards..

i made some discounted yuri commissions in hopes of not spending all my money on the trip. in fact, i refuse to spend all my money on that thing. i cannot be poor again. we are going to a cheap inn and i hope to prioritize eating at cheap diners.. but erm, there's a seafood place there, so we'll see if i'm stupid (i cannot be trusted when giving option of seafood but my girlfriend is also saving and picky so it saves me.)

anyways, these are positive things. i also am trying to get dressed more often. a lot of time i refuse to leave home and not living on campus or in a beautiful place (#studentapartment) makes me want to be in pajamas all day.

Oh erm, lastly, I have been hosting a dollmaker jam. It started Oct 1st. I've been trying to figure out what I'll do. I already have my base dollmaker. People have been talking about OC dress up things, and at first I did not get it but to be honest it really appeals to me now. One for Angel and/or Charlotte Cakes in particular. I thought of one for Kie, but using Angel just feels right because she's in so many of my games.

In truth, I want to make multiple, but I know that girly games jam happens often and I may just end up hosting another dollmaker jam (or someone else can take the reigns I don't give a fuck). I really like them, and people seem excited about it. It's also low maintenance. I am trying to get into low maintenance collaborations because zine has burned me out and I still am tired from judging menhera jam last year if I'm being honest.

In fact, the tiredness sort of grows by the day, but I'm hoping once the zine is over which will hopefully be by end of this year or early January, I can be free. it's just kind of weird. figuring that out. because winter break is soon and i usually go home. i'm considering trying to work as an RA again to afford Spring Housing but we'll have to see.

the housing place i live at is also hiring but i do not. know if i will apply yet. but i am thinking about it. it's just they are kind of incompetent.

my friends and i went out for tea at a nice tea house the comm tries to go to once a month. it was fun, but very hot. it was okay though! we spent most of the meet in doors.

many of my the members i'm closer to were there, so it ended up being super fun. i convinced a lot of the comm members to wear pink, so the photos i got were super cute.

i'm trying to take more photos in general at meets. it's something i enjoy. it's rather fun, and i think it's something i can do that's pleasing for people who have similar aesthetic senses to me (aesthetic tumblrina tastes). so i tried to go all out at this meet, and people seemed happy.

i sometimes don't prioritize these meets to this tea house because i have to either not drink tea or ask if my friend Rasa is going and if she is, she orders non caffeinated tea since she's the same as me (Rasa is kind and treats me often.. she's so kind). 

But this time, after I brought it up, everyone at our table was happy to order herbal hot tea called Blue Eyes! It was so yummy. Now I'm craving tea. Haha, it probably helped that everyone got sweet tea too. I chose to get water since Rasa did and I realized I'd just get a headahce. It's so hard to have a dietary restriction T_T

The food was yummy. The scones were great but not as good as the scones at Elisity's birthday part... Scones I think about so often. The sandwiches were good too. I didn't try the watermelon snack as I got very full ahaha.

I like the pudding though I gave mine to Elisity because I was so full! It's nice going out with groups for these sorts of things. I don't waste anything. My girlfriend and I dont' eat a lot. I want to take her here, but we'd probably waste food. I'd feel rather terrible as the person who runs this place is so sooo sweet. 

The tea house owner likes to take photos, so she took a group one. Buggie in the bottom, in pink next to the girl wearing Goeblin Teddy always glows so much in photos ah. I hadn't noticed until now. These sorts of group photos are hard for me for some reason. I never like how I look in them very much, but this includes every member that was here that day, so it'd be a shame to not include it.

Afterwards, we went outside. I was outside first because I was overstimulated in the teahouse. Buggie and Elisity showed up next. 

I like these photos. They're some of my favorite from the meet though. I often feel a bit out of place in photos because I'm the only old schooler often. There's technically two other old schoolers in comm- lichdolly and Robin, but it's not super often I get photos with them though I've been lucky to get photos with lichdolly recently on my birthday.

I also got some that day lol! I just remember More people trickled outside after we took our photos so we took more of them.

NOT VERY LADYLIKE

This happened randomly and at first I stood there awkwardly but managed to pose as I took the picture lol. I don't flip off the camera often but it ended up being one of my favorite photos lol. Things that would not be allowed in 2010s.

I got some pictures with Eden since i knew I had to go fast or I'd miss the opportunity lol. For once we were both in Old School though I'm wear a modern Taobao OP. But a WIN IS A WIN.

it'd be better if we were both in an abandoned alley. we don't really suit these sunny settings very well but these are cute hehe.

This is my favorite shoe picture to date of course! So cute. Lol, I should wear sweet more often, it's fun seeing this sort of cohesion. Of course, my shoes are really dark LOL.

The comm walked around for a while but Heather and I were melting, so we ended up calling it quits after a while. We took some pictures by the car though.

my favorite pic I've ever gotten with her lol.

some more normal ones also haha

we complained in the car about the heat. i want to come back here in fall when it isn't hell to be outside. people say we're overdressed in lolita but to be honest, i think it's too hot to be outside in general lol. southern summer has been hot for years, but i usually manage to survive, but this time it's just absolutely terrible.

anyways, thank you for reading!! i needed to write this entry before the day left my mind. it was a very simple affair so luckily it was very easy.

oh one that list. rasa got me a chococat!!

It's funny cause I just started my chococat collection. I saw a mini of him at Build a Bear. My friend told me resellers are selling him like crazy so I felt pretty lucky.

Have a nice day everyone!! also here's two sillies!

My birthday is july 25th. did you know that? i looked through my entries and it looks like i don't update often on my birthday. in 2022, i wrote

'I haven’t updated in a while. I’ve been so busy. But, I’m 19! Isn’t that wild. Next year I’m 20, which is terrible.' Apparently that day i was thinking about my mom burning my killstar cardigan jaja. I still talk about that sometimes haha... Mention it in passing in conversations with frinds when talking about my history with alternative clothing.

Anyways, today was nice. I finished my self hosting guide which I need to officially add to the links today. I've been sort of out of it.. Demotivated as one might say, so doing that and seeing some people use it after thinking no one would is nice. I had comments on on the post on Bluesky but knew I'd limit them.. I did even faster than I thouhgt I would haha.

People are kind. I got too used to being around people who can't read things I have to say no matter how much I simplify them because they get overwhelmed. This is a common trait among humans- panicking at long text dumps or just not understanding them / finding them overwhelming / associating it with anger, but with guides it's nice... Sometimes people use them. Sometimes they don't.

If someone wants to reach out to me, they can, but I have such limited ways to contact me that a lot of people don't bother unless they're really putting in effort to make something and need to ask me for help to proceed. I don't really like talking about concepts or random ideas when guiding someone because it's a waste of energy. It's why I always procrastinate on making free resources and ask people to pay me for things. You can do a lot for someone, but they won't use it. But if I'm paid, even if they don't use it, I have money now. You understand yes?

Anyways, I talk about birthday now. I went downtown with my girlfriend and comm members Eden and Heather (+ comm members family members). I got gifts from everyone and Eden says they'll give me a belated gift that has parts currently in shipping hell.

Heather gave me a Summer Tales Boutique tote bag which is a  delight. I'm very tote bag pilled.. But a lot of EGL tote bags are too small, so i'm happy! She also gave me a Moitie necklace with a cross. I'm so so happy. My girlfriend gave me a Kuromi to go in my collection which delights me. We talked a lot later. She said gift giving makes her anxious, and she likes to ask people what they want. I dislike telling someone a gift I want in advance as for me the fun of a gift is someone knowing what I like and giving it to me, but she told me having a list of stores I like is good too (which made me happy because I have so many stores).

The kuromi is perfect of course. NEVER ENOUGH KUROMIS. Esp since I have an apartment in August. One of my roommates will have Mikus. I'll have Kuromis. Moefie the world.

We got dessert at a bakery at the start of the day, but I took no pictures of my sweets. I got a strawberry donut and ice cream + roobois tea. I'm going to get ice cream at dessert places usually now. I just.. like ice cream more than a pastry. 

Outside the bakery, we took some pics in some corners.

my cutiepie wife (deleted) and lone coord photo

Later on we went to an Episcolpian church. I kept giving my wife my parasol. I dote on her a lot. I don't like the sun, but she's so pale she gets sunburn. She didn't think the parasol would be helpful, but after our fair date, she was surprised that she wasn't as sunburned as she'd usually be after an outing like that. So I tried to keep her covered most of today.

It was nice to get crowded photos.It's nice that it was my birthday because I could ask for photos and not feel annoying. The church photos really delight me. We're all so crowded. Even one of the girl's is in Milk and I found the other child's leapord / cheetah print to be cute. I hope when I go to Guilded Age, I can get more pictures like this, but it's hard for me to ask.. I felt bad as the youngest child was very bored, but I know kids are often like that ahaha.

We walked back down the street and hungout at a vintage store for a bit. I was getting tired, but was unsure of why, so I took a lot of low effort photos haha.

I tried a curling gel for the first time. I think it kept my hair pretty normal  despite the humidity, but I think it could be even better as I added the gel days after twisting. I want to wash my hair tonight maybe. Yes. I really should tonight. It's so late, but I'm so tired. I need to wash some socks too by hand haha.

Eden bought a beautiful white dress. I didn't really look around. I rarely find things in these kind of stores aside from pajamas, and I didn't see in nightgowns here. While sitting there, we realized many of us were hungry, so we headed to where we planned to eat.

The sushi was yummy. I've been into really simple rolls lately (though this isn't as simple as I go for recently.) They are always easy on my stomach and on Wednesdays, I can get them for really cheap - like $5 - $7, and usually I just need one to be okay. 

That's about all we did today! My girlfriend drove me back home, and we were lovey dovey in the car. She can be hard to read, but I think this is a good thing as it forces me to communicate. I like her so much. I like when her seeing her skin turn a bit red when she's embarrassed. I like that her hair is bleached right now as she convinces herself to dye it. That she procrastinates, that she likes piercings and tattoos.

I like seeing her on her phone and thinking about the fandoms she likes. I like that she talks to me about ships she loves. I love her. I love her. I don't wanna leave this area next year. I want to be with her so so much. I want to be with her. When we seperate, I never want her to leave. I'm happy she came today. It means so much to me..

It's hard to know. I think she knows. Emotions can be impossible to communicate, but I think she knows a lot about my feelings and I like to hear... She's also very empathetic, so maybe she's just nice. Or maybe she speaks so sweetly because she loves me.. Hehe..

She said her job is to be my number one fan.. She like swhen my hair gets puffy... She always thinks I'm beautiful.. In her car with ym dress spread out over the seat as she drove, i felt like a little doll riding in the car with my loved one. It made me really happy.

Sorry, so much gushing! I love her! I love her! I can't believe I found her!!

I must sleep now haha. It's late!! I finished before 12AM though! Birthday post made!

Hello! Hello! I wrote this entry and got to 900+ words then accidentally deleted it. I've done this multiple times but that entry was actually interesting to me, so I finally added a confirmation script before closing the page. It works easily and I found it with a simple Qwant search on stackoverflow. I am such a clown, but well, perhaps it was best to direct inwards anyways.

Anyways, that's okay. We'll see how much I want to talk this go around. Today I stopped by the Post Office and got a letter from the largest medical provider in the area that I could now get medically necessary procedures free of charge until December. Isn't that delightful? I am a bit worried about what they deem to be 'medically necessary' but I hope to call them tomorrow and ask about it.

Coords that aren't really lolita but still use my lolita sensibilities are fun. My hair and the sockless rhs combo reminds me of VW. It'd be perfect with a big chunky orb but the rosary my wife gave me makes me happy too.

I will now talk about Elisity's birthday. We went to a more rural part of Appalachia, and I rode with Elisity. I stopped by her apartment and met a cat named chicken nugget. I saw him when we were in the parking lot from outside the window. Orange, pretty sweert. He sniffed my fingers, but didn't seem comfortable with me rubbing him, so I didn't attempt to. 

I stood around a bit awkwardly, but it was nice talking to Elisity's friends. It made me feel very normal. Which I know sounds weird, but I've been rather on edge. Thinking about my abusers because a recent situation is playing out in a similar way to the end of that friendship, but well, it's not nearly as bad. In truth, I am not mad at anyone and msotly just upset because it's sending me back to the past. I am gettng overly cautious, avoiding people, asking for reassurance. Everyone in my life now is very sweet to me about this, but I'm still always scared.

Elisity's family member is one of those people who has lots of unfinished projects across their land. I have some family member's like that too but I'm not on their property too much outside of family reunions or random visits with Granny. Granny and I don't go out as much as we used to since people tend to get more disabled as they age, so I don't get to visit those places much anymore. This place felt very homey to me but also different in that there were so many hills. 

Rural areas in different regions always feel like home despite the qualities that are alien to me, so this ended up being one of my favorite lolita meets. I also just love being invited to birthday parties. I don't remember the order in which everyone arrived, but of course when Heather came, I followed her around like a small duckling.

She wore a blouseless coord and looked so pretty! She also had a parasol, and we took many pictures together.

i like these pics a lot because we're reminiscient of mushrooms

We took more too. I got a candid of her looking into the distance, and I wanted to get a pic of us showing off our rings. 

 
Make shift brass knuckles huh.

I am so happy I have a tripod now and am not really shy about taking photos. Heather likes them as much as I do, so it's always fun going to meets with her. She isn't into creepy things as much as me, but she does like cemeteries! Perhaps because it's a location alt people go in general across all subcultures? Or because they're beautiful and have lovely statues? I should ask her about this someday.

I took photos with other friends too and also captured some video of us meowing happy birthday.

We never take photos together for some reason. Eden doesn't come to many meets, and when they do, I guess we're usually focused on other things (like eating sushi). These are probably some of the only proper photos I have with them?

You guys don't know what I'd do to eat more of these scones.. I just messaged Elisity for the recipe

The food was yummy, and the table was cute. There was more, but I was at the end of the table, so pictures were hard to get (and also I didn't want to snap while people were chewing). The cake was also cute though I didn't eat a slice because I'd stuffed myself with chicken salad croissants.

Elisity and her cake

I asked Elisity for photos too. I don't think we get to hangout a lot despite being at the same meets. I like Elisity because she is always stating her mind without worrying about how she is perceived by others, and she's a smart and strong person. I really respect her a lot!

today she wore sweet!

She wears sweet and classic and is considering getting Gobelin teddy. If she does, I will make twinning happen. Elisity comes to enough of the meets that I can ask her about it consistently, and she isn't too far from me either! It'd be a different cut and color, but i still think it'll be so cutes.

At the end of the meet, I started to get a headache. I was in and out of Heather's car cause.. I wasn't paying attention when brewing my teas and drank caffeine. I also drank sweet tea which also had caffeine. So I Died. I sat in the car listening to migraine sounds, but found excedrin in my bag. Eden brought me water, and I took it.

It did start to rain though so I got back in the car because being wet makes me insane lol, especially in that OP because it is so light. I'd be a soaking wet cat. I felt bad for not cleaning up but rain. 

Elisity and other friends went to Miniso and out for Hibachi, but Heather took me home since she was headed back and I was dying a bit. I wanted to go, but I was a bit tired and also broke and I knew if I stayed out, my headache would not get better.

The meet was very insightful to me. I like seeing everyone talk and their views on things. We talked about Ethel Cain's past racism which made me comfortable since people spoke prettty candidly on their thoughts. It's on my mind because when riding back, Heather and I saw this big confederate flag that said 'heritage not hate' (which makes no sense).

I don't really hate anyone for their beliefs even if I don't feel safe around them or want to stay away from them, but hearing a lot of my comm members talk openly about Ethel's actions was nice to me. I don't listen to Ethel because I don't like her music, so I didn't have many thoughts other than 'it doesn't surprise me' because a lot of people from back that sphere back then (nicole dollanganger, lana del rey, etc) were weird in various ways (including being racist), but well, I like.. that they thought about how they wanted to engage with Ethel's work knowing she was so openly racist and still does weird shit from time to time.

It's like..hard to bring that kind of thing up to people so I avoid doing so. Truthfully I avoid doing it myself because I don't really care a lot of the time, and if I'm hanging out with someone and they start voicing things that make it obvious they don't care about black people's wellbeing at all to the point where they say things that are actively harmful to us, I can't hangout with them.

I don't expect everyone to care about us, but well, for people I am close to, it's important that they're aware of.. that. Especially in white dominated areas in the South. I experience a lot of racism but don't talk about it outside of my black friends or my girlfriend, so it was nice that they all discussed it without me even prompting them. It allows me to get closer to them...

I'm just having a nice time lately. I've been going out lots. Mom and granny say they don't know anyone who goes out as much as me haha which is a bit embarrassing but fun! My antique shops, my caves, visiting friends, tea parties, bakeries, it's what I live for! Life is scary still, but all of these activities reminds me of why it's so fun to keep living!

Even my online activities have been nice! Making new dev peers, reading lots of vns (the toxic yuri vn jam has 211 entries, crazy, I won't be reading all of them and told Kyou 'rest in peace' lovingly of course). I think I'll spend a lot of this week taking it easy. Do some dev, work on my dollmaker, artfight attacks, etc etc.

Thank you for reading! Please stay safe, especially if it's hot where you are!

Today I had a date with my girlfriend! I am so happy! It was really fun. I hadn't seen her in so long. I was decaying. This is likely our last year being able to see each other really often, and I tend to start the grieving process kind of early, so I've been in a weird state as I think about leaving this part of the state. I just can't see anything other than a depressing future,but I'm hoping my mom ends up buying a nice hosue and I like living there.

ANYWAYS. Back to date. My wife's job has been working her to death, so it's hard to see her as often, but I think well see each other more. She didn't want to travel before her kpop concert (to see SKZ), so I was soo patient, but seeiing her made me soooo HAPPY!!!

I've been so stressed because of lots of dumb bullshit, but seeing her takes up my entire view of the world, and even if i'm stressed, it's like she's a light that calms me down. It's very crazy to me. I've felt infatuation in my life and thought I was in love, but I think this is love..? I want to wait for her forever, and she seems to want to wait for me to. Even if we get seperated post college, we talk like we'll keep trying to see each other and make things work. It's so crazy to me.. I really like her.

I was worried. The ferris wheel was small and a country affair. A child checked us in lol. 

I had to use filegarden to upload these, my files got really mad at me lol, so if filegarden goes away, sorry loool. I was being cringe in the video so uploading it iin its original form would've been a bit embarrassing.

Rain is better at handling rides than I am actually lol. At first I'd check in on her but by end, she made sure I was okay to ride the ring of fire!! I felt kind of embarrassed, but it was also nice. I'm usually the bravest and checking on others, so it was new to me.

The ferris wheel was really fun. Admittedly I was excited more the idea of a date at the fair. Rain liked the fair itself a lot though I did too by the end. I was worried, but she seemed really delighted, and I also got really happy and excited. It was fun listening to music and everything. It made me think about all the places I want to go with her, and how much I love her. 

with the privacy of the ferris wheel, i gave her a kiss!

The rides were really nice to me. There was one, the Hurricane, that was very intense, and of course the fireball was too, but they were both really fun. Hurricane played good music, and the ride casted shade over the grass. People were moving chairs to sit in the shade, so we did too a few times to eat or relax after riding. I'd be a bit dizzy sometimes haha!

I really love her. I really really love her. I've never felt like this. It's weird. When we're apart and reunite, I feel like I fall more and more. I want to hold her and relax. It'd be so so nice. We decided our next date after my birthday will be something chill. I want to take her to a teahouse downtown and an antique shop that gives you a discount with $5+ purchase. I'm hoping I'll be able to get a nightgown if I go back there.

I can't wait to see my love again!! You're such a lovely person!!! I love you I love you I'm so honored to be loved by you!!

i'll probably have to split this entry and write it across the day. i'm headed to my storage unit today because i've been losing my mind and also well, my girlfriend and i are having a date tomorrow, and i'd like to wear something fun. it's at a fair though so i'm realizing rockiing horse shoes are definitelty not the move, but  iwa nt them..a nd like.. i just want more clothing optioins nyah..

i have a lot to talk about. i wore this coord to a meet yesterday. we went out for sushi, and i got a seafood roll and a dragon roll or something. it had eel on top, and i love sushi with eel. truly one of the meats of all time.

i was anxious at first but had a lot of fun by the end. talking with friends nice, and i just always try to be kind even if something is making me on edge. we had to wait an hour which was making one friend antsy which in turn made me anxious, and we were the last group to leave the restaurant. next time i may call ahead, but well, comm members have a habit of reserving and then not showing up which makes reserving these kinds of events hard.

we went to barnes and noble before.t here wasn't a lot of yuri i was super familiar withor manga i was interested in in general outside of big things like junji ito. those bookstores also often have big ghibli displays which is nice.it's usually miyazaki focused so there's never whisper of the heart merchandise, but i like all the nausicaa stuff. wish i had a job.

kyou and i visited a commercial cave nearby. apparently tennessee is the cave state, and they stretch across the entire state. i wish my siblings were here- i'd take them, but my family never visits me. sometimes they come relatively close, but never really stop by. haha.

it was very beautiful. our tour guide was also a thruhiker! he hiked the appalachian trail- starting in Maine and ending in Georgia. i love thruhikers and listening to them. it's something i think i could do in another life, but i love luxury very much. i also love being clean and eating seasoned crab. i love to listen though. the appalachian trail community is interesting.. running into people, seeing them later at festivals.. etc etc. it's kind of magical to me.

kyou and i also hungout in antique shops. i got many pictures though not all are nice. some i could make better with editing, but i don't wanna do that now so you will get many in their pure unaltered form.

it was a very beautiful antique store. kyou bought me a $2 copy of Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine which i am happy about. i've been rereading it slowly but surely in between activities. last timew i read it, my reading sessions were super far apart, so i would like to read it relatively quickly this time so i can evaluate it properly.

kyou is back home. they are safe, and that makes me happy. i worry i was horrible to share a room with as i move around a lot, and the last night, i was goign insane over a coding project then showered at 5AM, but i had fun.

i'm always worried, but i want  to trust what people say to me becuase people who hold resentment or dont communicate with me whent hey have an issue- well, i just can't allow myself to worry about something i don't know.

i am heading to my storage unit now. soon the website will have a game that will only be available here due to itchio not allowing PHP and me refusing to set up image arrays by hand...  it will be a dress up game, so it probably doesn't suit my itchio anyways jaja. still, it would've been fun for people to post their dolls in the comments. perhaps i will find a way.

i hope you have a nice day. hopefully the next entry is about my date with my lovely wife. bye bye!

today was ash's birthday. she is a comm member who joined this year. she wears a lot of bodyline and actually has a piece that is very nostalgic to me that i never actually posted to this diary due to being tired of HTML and going through a lot of things at the time. they are very pleasant so I will share them here since i never finished my february entry back then. i have many pleasant pictures from that day but filling up this entry with them feels a bit silly...

back then we were in this strange haunting buildings. her dress is pleasant to me.. it feels like something i'd see from an old magazine. i think it might've been from 2008 or something. i don't know. it made me rather nostalgic or perhaps connected with my current sensibilities since i started wearing old school in 2022 haha.

anyways, that was my first time meeting Ash. this was my second time hanging out with her? or perhaps third. i believe second. the cafe we met at was a small town that was rather pleasant. there a big event happening making parking a bit difficult, but it was kind of funny.

heather ordered a crème brûlée, and i got a very large brownie. the brownie was gigantic and almost the length of my hand. i ate half of it, then a fly landed on it haha. i realized i'd eaten a lot anyways. i also had a breakfast sandwich though i kind of regret it because i find eggs kind of gross and have for a while, yet i keep eating them out of habit. no more breakfast sandwiches! remember mala!

everyone was wearing tea parties. i don't own any because they don't suit my coords or the era i'm into, but it was really cute and fun to see! i wanted to wear my rocking horse shoes today, but they are still in the storage unit (since i've been moving a lot- it's another reason i've been too stressed to update). i'll have everything out of storage by august and bein my apartment. i hope life is less stressful then!

a lady offered to take pictures of us which made me very happy. we got quite a few but here are two of them. i was laughing a lot, so it was really hard to look like a proper goth!

heather and i decided to go to another town where we visited a comm member who owns a very cool shop. i think i'm going to try vending my patreon prints there! there's a handmaking/crafts club that does irl events a few times a month, but it's hard for me to vend myself because i have a lot of classes in fall and spring ever year. having it in a shop would be so nice. the vending spots are cheap, and midi has owned the store for a very long time. i've been looking for a store like this for a while. i can't believe my comm was the answer! <-- actually not very surprising.

i got some pictures in the shop.

 Midi's shop was cool. She let me look at her 2000s manga tarot deck which I was excited about.I have been looking for a tarot deck. It's in someone's possession, but I have no idea who's haha. It's okay though. I want a new one. I was considering seeking out Yoshitake Amano's but.. No tarot deck satisfies me. I think I may make my own someday as a result.

Midi made us tea with brews she blended herself and we talked tea (as lolitas do). I asked her about her teabags. I have a small metal diffuser,but it's rather annoying and finicky to use. The bags seemed much easier, and she said she got biodegradable ones from Amazon. Good.. good. She also explained to me how she blended her teas. I'd like to blend my own someday! 

in the cat returns, tea blends made by Baron is mentioned, and it really fascinated me.. perfecting tea until it's perfect... though i like so many teas. most tea is perfect (though i tried red roobois at a local cafe recently with milk, honey, and cinnamona and it was so delicious!) midi liked that cafe too. you get a discount if you make an over $5 purchase at an anitque shop nearby! which is easy for me since i buy so much antique jewelry and am an antique nightgown fan! i got a $5 nightgown recently a big chunky necklace, the one i wore in today's coord actually.

afterwards, we left midi's place and went to an old historic building. it used to be an important government building, but now it's just used for events. it was actually very useful for us for a reason i cannot state, so i am happy! i also saw the rooms weren't too expensive. i wish i could host some kind of small shopping event there!! but that requires so many resources.

it was really delightful and fun! such a pretty little (large) building. it was kind of funny seeing something so grand so empty. it was also nice because we could take pictures without being bothered! 

also, afterwards, there was an episcopal church nearby. there's a lot of beautiful episcopal churches in this area which is delightful for me as a catholic (in aesthetic only (sorry catholics)). i'm not going to lie. i don't know anything about episcopal practioners but i do know they sure can build a church (which is the only thing i appreciate about catholics. apparently, episcopalians fall between catholicism and protestantism. so i guess they want to make beautiful houses for gods like catholics do.

a women watched us then asked if heather also wanted a picture. heather mainly went there for me. i am the person in the comm most obsessed with pictures haha <--- the tripod haver (my new tripod has a remote actually which is so delightful!)

it was so beautiful. thepictures don't capture them (especially considering they are heavily compressed). if you live near beautiful architectrue, you should take many pictures there or just bask in the work of the architect! episcopal churches have red doors like some of the catholic churches in England.. interesting interesting..

this entry took a while to write. i was very annoyed after a while (with image management) which is why i added cmyk. i need to build an editor/uploader as good as fc2's (or find one). it's hard to use emojis when tinycmk doesn't let me use floats! it has its own default emojis too (the like.. standard emojis you know), but you know i love line stickers and zine stickers, etc etc. there was another editor i saw that wasn't tinycmk so i will test it jaja!

thank you so much for reading. it was nice making an entry. this was my first meet of summer, and it was so fun. the next meet won'tbe nearly as picture heavy because it's a casual sushi meet, but i hope to still write about it.

i slacked so much the first half of this year because of the horrors, but i am manifesting that life will improve! many of the things that made me unhappy (my job, my housing, a lot of my physical health ailments) are going away or improving, and i'm finally growing a spine thank you my friends for the encouragement)!! and my life is much simpler now!! there's so much beauty in my future!!