i am better today. i think i woke up feeling terrible yesterday so i was really, erm, overdramatic because the pain was so much worse than usual smiles. but i'm okay right now! it's 8:47AM and i just took ibuprofen. today i have therapy and i see my psychiatrist, but right now~

let's talk about my wife!!!!

my girlfriend right now has a new haircut. i know my girlfriend has changed her hair drastically in her life before. she told me at one point she had half her head shaved and growing it out was terrible. she dyes her hair herself often too. this time, she went somewhere and got a new haircut.

you might be wondering "why are you wearing a tiara?"
it was $9 at the antique store... and i've been wanting one

We found this strange hallway in the mall with kid's games lol. It was funny. There was this crab walk thing, and my girlfriend goes "who would do the crab walk in-" and she turns towards me as I'm crab walking. Then later she crab walked. The singular brain cell comes for us all.

i thought we could take a cute picture here
then we go got confused about two people on a hopscotch posing

The mall was technically after we got dinner. It was fun. I really just wanted to go by Miniso. My girlfriend gets confused hwen buying me gifts, and I was too stressed to make a wishlist so she ended up getting me a Kuromi towel while we were iin miniso... Now it's in my bathroom lol. The bathroom so much cuter now. I need a Kuromi bathmat. Perhaps I record a room tour today?

Anyways, before the mall, we got Dinner.. Though it was right after lunch time. My girlfriend usually orders an appetizer with sides because she's picky while I got crab legs lol. The next day I discovered crab legs only have 600 calories. For context, while I don't do OMAD, my diet is pretty similar to it and my body is falling apart so I likely should've gotten more shrimp ahah.

they saw my tiara and asked what we were celebrating.. i was vague at first because i didn't wanna out myself 
but did ultimately and they gave us icecream!! isn't it beautiful!

Smiles. I'm a private person and while I don't consider myself fully closeted, I still operate carefully hehe. I think it's obvious when my girlfriend and I are together that we're a couple a lot of the time, but I'm still not too worried because a lot of people still lack cognizance that lesbians exist (even other queers really).

I never thought about being treated nicely like this for celebrating with my girlfriend.. It's nice. I wonder if it'll happen again in the future! Are anniversary desserts common?

I didn't take pictures in my room LOL, but I wanted to play a game.. I didn't know what to play but she said she'd be happy watching. (My girlfriend is the kind of personI wanted to play something I could get through quickly, so I showed her Dream BBQ since it's a quick playthrough. I ended up seeing 2 new things which was crazy. I FAILED TO SHOW HER THE GENIE THOUGH DESPITE DOING TWO PLAYTHROUGHS.. 

But I showed her both ways to get to the top (the taxi w/ purge event and the whole wizard way). It was nice. I've shown her ENA on two dates now, but ENA is so slow releasing.. I wonder when I'll be able to her again.. I have some DVDs for us to watch so I was planning to watch The Hills Have Eyes this time, but then.. time. Time is always limited. We're hoping to see each other before Winter Break but time.

Anyway, thank you for hearing me les out! Here's an HK.

i haven't been able to sleep for reasons that are obvious. let's not talk about it lol. i should read some manga i've been putting off while i'm so excited...

my therapist told me having plans made for special time will help me make plans for things i need to do, but truthfully my plan i made was to go downtown tomorrow, but i think i'd rather not at all, but knowing my girlfriend is coming the 18th feels good..  so perhaps that counts as something..

speaking of. our 1 year anniversary is the 25th. i already gave her her gift though i never posted pictures here because i wanted to sort through them amongst other reasons.. but i should write about it before my next date.

i found these on an outing with friends!

But yes. She liked it. Very delightful. The Inn was pretty cute. I got it for pretty cheap with my amazing fear of bed bugs and broke aura. 

to be somewhere with someone i love. it is so very dear

once we get up thereee ♫⋆｡♪ ₊˚♬ ﾟ.

The lower pics were taken on a place called the island which has some noticeable restaurants owned by famous people. The only one of particular importance to me is Paula Deen's (who yes is controversial but i love garlic roll). We actually ate elsewhere, a place full of bright screens everywehere. We stopped by a video game store too.

The ferris wheel was really nice. I thought I preferred open carriages for the ferris wheel itself, but I found the silence in the carriage to be so very nice. I didn't realize I was a bit overstimulated until the silence. It was nice seeing the glowing rides below, the billboards in the mountains, and being ??? feet above the weird conservatives below in their shitty Confederacy Cowboy hats.

The next day was fun too. The ATL comm came to Dollywood this year. Unfortunately they had some struggles with timing, but you know I was fine. I'm always happy to be with rain though it was a shame not to spend more time with Jasteria since she's nice.

I admittedly didn't get many pictures. It was Fall Festival, so I wanted to speed through to run through as many rides as possible since Rain doesn't go to amusement parks a lot. We have to get our $100 worth!!

this top one is on Jasteria's crisp camera lol

Uploading these giggling like an idiot

I was focused on my wife and the park and also a lot of people were there so not too many pics but it was a special day so I wanted to document itt despite my exhaustion ahaha. 

The park itself is beautiful though, especially in fall, so I took a few more things as we walked. It's easy to take pictures objects/structures over yourself haha! No tripod setup.

these were originally over 5000 pixels wide iphone why

I always like Dolly Parton's church being there. The second image excites me especially because this was the first year I roode the train despite coming more than a few times prior. So I got to see the park from an angle I'd never seen and rides that were currently being consturcted!

And you know I love trains. And it was so nice being with my wife on the train. The train with the music that was so loud~ Loud music~ Dolly and a blues band~ Love love looove

I'm going to fail at sleeping now. I wanted to write before too much time passed.. You see.. The memory won't be as crisp.. Thhough perhaps writing it tired is not ideal either...

LASTLY. Figured out the admin bug just now. Will I fix it? Who knows!

found this angel chair with cute bear

today i went out with a friend who is nonbinary. i like being with nonbinary people, especially those who are gender-noncomforming in a way that i relate to. i struggle to find queer people i really get along with due to race and autism things and like being so into my subculture while people into the a lot of queer stuff will dress alternatively but don't really care about the subculture itself outside of the general idea of being 'radical', so it gets all weird.

it's weird to think about. identity is such a bizarre thing, and i feel like alternative stuff right now almost feels like a joke or buzzword, but it's like.. huge thing for me. other lolitas, goths, punks.. who are into the subculture and adults. like the music and know about all the weird inner subculture happenings. i don't know. i think people get kind of weird about identity and things, but subcultures are their own cultures and take up so much of your life. there are lots of 'subcultures' people may be into that they don't even realize they're apart of. 

anyways, i actually hungout with multiple friends this week and by that i mean two. they ended up being mutual friends, and they go to alternative parties and events. one has a car which is always so nice.

I met them a while ago, but we never hungout but stayed mutuals on Instagram so they interacted with me sometimes. Eventually, I talked to them and it was really delightful. They're honestly really great I hope we can hangout more before I leave the area T_T They invited me to some goth parties and told me about alternative clubs and concerts they go to.

It was so nice. I was really worried about coming off as weird (arriving in my nun dress- which i got kind of recently.. so beautiful sleeveless... remind me of old moitie), but they were a delight. We talked about mental health which was nice and our relationships. Told them about wifey and they told me about their dating life. I haven't dated a lot because I tend to love people for years at a time haha. Going on dates is also something I tend to not like very much though I did enjoy it with wife. Perhaps it's cause I'm of the alternative stuff I mentioned earlier.

I got this vegan burger and so did they. They've been vegan for 10 year. So cool. I talked about restaurants I liked and mentioned vegan food. I love vegan food due to having the stomach of a toddler. This restaurant has this item that comes out to you randomly. They gave me a breakfast burger and they got... a burger that confused me AHAH. They also got served extra sides. It was so much food. Both of us had leftovers.

My friend and I also went there earlier that week. I got vegan food then too. Food sensitivity is pleasant at times. Makes me eat specific kinds of foods lol.  I need to stop eating fried foods so much, but it's hard because my rice kick is over. Sticky rice and sushi and other stuff hard to get into though right now thinking about it, onigiri sounds good as hell.

I also finally started talking to a comm member I wanted to hangout with a for a while. She's very awesome, and I learned more about her in these hangouts. She wore this really awesome AATP sallopete and I found out we both like card faces. I actually struggle to find other people into card faces the way I am, and she likes them more than me. So awesome.

I forgot how nice it is to be around people you relate to. I talked about subculture stuff but got too focused on it. I actually feel more recharged when I hangout with people who relate to me in other ways. It's good to have a healthy circle of friends/hangout buddies. I also have been doing other random things lol like going t events in SecondLife held by normie avatars. I used to think they'd be weird to me because I'm weird anime avatar, but they are always chill and nice. I feel really childish around them, but they're always kind.

Anyways, yap yap. I wish I had more to say. Admittedly my cognition is not the best lately. I'm trying to take my vitamins again and get back on medication. I'm in a lot of physical pain often lol. It was rough today when I hungout, but I managed to get to a point of comfort before the hangout. Right now I'm reaching discomfort again. My period starts soon, so I think it's just my body killing itself LOL.

But yeah lots of little things happened. Met a lego store owner.

Lego machinery kind of makes my brain go brr. I didn't realize til I was there. It's very interesting to me. I think it's interesting. Do you think you can combine anime figures and lego setups for an interesting look? I always struggle with the look of legos. The little blocks and nubs are not really aesthetically pleasing to me, but I think I may change my mind.

Thinking.. Machinery lego flowers.. That's cool.. Vibrant colors.. Vibrant blocks. It's hard I kind of dislike plastic kids toys.

Anyways,  sorry that was so vague lol. It's so hard to write diary entries lately while it's hard to keep hold of my thoughts. But still, don't want to give up my hobbies.

today i am going out with my friend again. i really should be going by the post office, and i know i can if i get ready fast but i'm writing this diary entry instead lol. i'm very anxious i'm so behind on work and midterms are here. but let's not talk about that.

there's girl i know who i think i may have pictures with on this blog, not sure. she's into lolita too though not a lifestyler, but you know same community. she's also black which makes me connect with her more. we talked about gunsmith bitch and started naming dark skinned anime characters off by hand,, and i love complaining about weeb shit. we also talked about black butler. she's read all of it and she knows the exact chapter i stopped at. she has a lot of similar complaints to me about the manga's current state, but talking to her made me want to pick it back up again. i still love a lot of Kuroshitsuji.

she's interested in my games and not bothered by some of them being eroge which makes me happy! 

we hungout on Wednesday. she bought me groceries and came to my place. she has lots of vitamins in her house so brought me some. it really surprised me. she offered. i felt bad but was also happy. i have not been full in a long time and not having to immediately spend everything on groceries finally allowed me to get to a place where i can save money again, albeit slowly. 

this afternoon, we will head downtown. we'll stop by an antique store though it's right by the gaming store. i have not gotten around to buying the OMNI SD CARD (sorry) for my DS, so i'm hoping to just grab a cheap game there, but really i shouldn't buy anything. i have a trip with my girlfriend to Dollywood soon, and we're both super poor right now LOL. i want to go without spending all of my money. luckily, i actually only spend money on necessities when i'm up in the area we're headed. not much i want to buy. so i end up focusing on food and the actual theme park tickets. it still is expnsive though. A DOLLYWOOD TICKET IS $100 AND THE GUY WHO GOT ME DISCOUNTS IS HEADED OFF TO THE MILITARY. then we'll probably eat in the park and consume beverages.

my wallet afterwards..

i made some discounted yuri commissions in hopes of not spending all my money on the trip. in fact, i refuse to spend all my money on that thing. i cannot be poor again. we are going to a cheap inn and i hope to prioritize eating at cheap diners.. but erm, there's a seafood place there, so we'll see if i'm stupid (i cannot be trusted when giving option of seafood but my girlfriend is also saving and picky so it saves me.)

anyways, these are positive things. i also am trying to get dressed more often. a lot of time i refuse to leave home and not living on campus or in a beautiful place (#studentapartment) makes me want to be in pajamas all day.

Oh erm, lastly, I have been hosting a dollmaker jam. It started Oct 1st. I've been trying to figure out what I'll do. I already have my base dollmaker. People have been talking about OC dress up things, and at first I did not get it but to be honest it really appeals to me now. One for Angel and/or Charlotte Cakes in particular. I thought of one for Kie, but using Angel just feels right because she's in so many of my games.

In truth, I want to make multiple, but I know that girly games jam happens often and I may just end up hosting another dollmaker jam (or someone else can take the reigns I don't give a fuck). I really like them, and people seem excited about it. It's also low maintenance. I am trying to get into low maintenance collaborations because zine has burned me out and I still am tired from judging menhera jam last year if I'm being honest.

In fact, the tiredness sort of grows by the day, but I'm hoping once the zine is over which will hopefully be by end of this year or early January, I can be free. it's just kind of weird. figuring that out. because winter break is soon and i usually go home. i'm considering trying to work as an RA again to afford Spring Housing but we'll have to see.

the housing place i live at is also hiring but i do not. know if i will apply yet. but i am thinking about it. it's just they are kind of incompetent.

my friends and i went out for tea at a nice tea house the comm tries to go to once a month. it was fun, but very hot. it was okay though! we spent most of the meet in doors.

many of my the members i'm closer to were there, so it ended up being super fun. i convinced a lot of the comm members to wear pink, so the photos i got were super cute.

i'm trying to take more photos in general at meets. it's something i enjoy. it's rather fun, and i think it's something i can do that's pleasing for people who have similar aesthetic senses to me (aesthetic tumblrina tastes). so i tried to go all out at this meet, and people seemed happy.

i sometimes don't prioritize these meets to this tea house because i have to either not drink tea or ask if my friend Rasa is going and if she is, she orders non caffeinated tea since she's the same as me (Rasa is kind and treats me often.. she's so kind). 

But this time, after I brought it up, everyone at our table was happy to order herbal hot tea called Blue Eyes! It was so yummy. Now I'm craving tea. Haha, it probably helped that everyone got sweet tea too. I chose to get water since Rasa did and I realized I'd just get a headahce. It's so hard to have a dietary restriction T_T

The food was yummy. The scones were great but not as good as the scones at Elisity's birthday part... Scones I think about so often. The sandwiches were good too. I didn't try the watermelon snack as I got very full ahaha.

I like the pudding though I gave mine to Elisity because I was so full! It's nice going out with groups for these sorts of things. I don't waste anything. My girlfriend and I dont' eat a lot. I want to take her here, but we'd probably waste food. I'd feel rather terrible as the person who runs this place is so sooo sweet. 

The tea house owner likes to take photos, so she took a group one. Buggie in the bottom, in pink next to the girl wearing Goeblin Teddy always glows so much in photos ah. I hadn't noticed until now. These sorts of group photos are hard for me for some reason. I never like how I look in them very much, but this includes every member that was here that day, so it'd be a shame to not include it.

Afterwards, we went outside. I was outside first because I was overstimulated in the teahouse. Buggie and Elisity showed up next. 

I like these photos. They're some of my favorite from the meet though. I often feel a bit out of place in photos because I'm the only old schooler often. There's technically two other old schoolers in comm- lichdolly and Robin, but it's not super often I get photos with them though I've been lucky to get photos with lichdolly recently on my birthday.

I also got some that day lol! I just remember More people trickled outside after we took our photos so we took more of them.

NOT VERY LADYLIKE

This happened randomly and at first I stood there awkwardly but managed to pose as I took the picture lol. I don't flip off the camera often but it ended up being one of my favorite photos lol. Things that would not be allowed in 2010s.

I got some pictures with Eden since i knew I had to go fast or I'd miss the opportunity lol. For once we were both in Old School though I'm wear a modern Taobao OP. But a WIN IS A WIN.

it'd be better if we were both in an abandoned alley. we don't really suit these sunny settings very well but these are cute hehe.

This is my favorite shoe picture to date of course! So cute. Lol, I should wear sweet more often, it's fun seeing this sort of cohesion. Of course, my shoes are really dark LOL.

The comm walked around for a while but Heather and I were melting, so we ended up calling it quits after a while. We took some pictures by the car though.

my favorite pic I've ever gotten with her lol.

some more normal ones also haha

we complained in the car about the heat. i want to come back here in fall when it isn't hell to be outside. people say we're overdressed in lolita but to be honest, i think it's too hot to be outside in general lol. southern summer has been hot for years, but i usually manage to survive, but this time it's just absolutely terrible.

anyways, thank you for reading!! i needed to write this entry before the day left my mind. it was a very simple affair so luckily it was very easy.

oh one that list. rasa got me a chococat!!

It's funny cause I just started my chococat collection. I saw a mini of him at Build a Bear. My friend told me resellers are selling him like crazy so I felt pretty lucky.

Have a nice day everyone!! also here's two sillies!

Today I had a date with my girlfriend! I am so happy! It was really fun. I hadn't seen her in so long. I was decaying. This is likely our last year being able to see each other really often, and I tend to start the grieving process kind of early, so I've been in a weird state as I think about leaving this part of the state. I just can't see anything other than a depressing future,but I'm hoping my mom ends up buying a nice hosue and I like living there.

ANYWAYS. Back to date. My wife's job has been working her to death, so it's hard to see her as often, but I think well see each other more. She didn't want to travel before her kpop concert (to see SKZ), so I was soo patient, but seeiing her made me soooo HAPPY!!!

I've been so stressed because of lots of dumb bullshit, but seeing her takes up my entire view of the world, and even if i'm stressed, it's like she's a light that calms me down. It's very crazy to me. I've felt infatuation in my life and thought I was in love, but I think this is love..? I want to wait for her forever, and she seems to want to wait for me to. Even if we get seperated post college, we talk like we'll keep trying to see each other and make things work. It's so crazy to me.. I really like her.

I was worried. The ferris wheel was small and a country affair. A child checked us in lol. 

I had to use filegarden to upload these, my files got really mad at me lol, so if filegarden goes away, sorry loool. I was being cringe in the video so uploading it iin its original form would've been a bit embarrassing.

Rain is better at handling rides than I am actually lol. At first I'd check in on her but by end, she made sure I was okay to ride the ring of fire!! I felt kind of embarrassed, but it was also nice. I'm usually the bravest and checking on others, so it was new to me.

The ferris wheel was really fun. Admittedly I was excited more the idea of a date at the fair. Rain liked the fair itself a lot though I did too by the end. I was worried, but she seemed really delighted, and I also got really happy and excited. It was fun listening to music and everything. It made me think about all the places I want to go with her, and how much I love her. 

with the privacy of the ferris wheel, i gave her a kiss!

The rides were really nice to me. There was one, the Hurricane, that was very intense, and of course the fireball was too, but they were both really fun. Hurricane played good music, and the ride casted shade over the grass. People were moving chairs to sit in the shade, so we did too a few times to eat or relax after riding. I'd be a bit dizzy sometimes haha!

I really love her. I really really love her. I've never felt like this. It's weird. When we're apart and reunite, I feel like I fall more and more. I want to hold her and relax. It'd be so so nice. We decided our next date after my birthday will be something chill. I want to take her to a teahouse downtown and an antique shop that gives you a discount with $5+ purchase. I'm hoping I'll be able to get a nightgown if I go back there.

I can't wait to see my love again!! You're such a lovely person!!! I love you I love you I'm so honored to be loved by you!!

i'll probably have to split this entry and write it across the day. i'm headed to my storage unit today because i've been losing my mind and also well, my girlfriend and i are having a date tomorrow, and i'd like to wear something fun. it's at a fair though so i'm realizing rockiing horse shoes are definitelty not the move, but  iwa nt them..a nd like.. i just want more clothing optioins nyah..

i have a lot to talk about. i wore this coord to a meet yesterday. we went out for sushi, and i got a seafood roll and a dragon roll or something. it had eel on top, and i love sushi with eel. truly one of the meats of all time.

i was anxious at first but had a lot of fun by the end. talking with friends nice, and i just always try to be kind even if something is making me on edge. we had to wait an hour which was making one friend antsy which in turn made me anxious, and we were the last group to leave the restaurant. next time i may call ahead, but well, comm members have a habit of reserving and then not showing up which makes reserving these kinds of events hard.

we went to barnes and noble before.t here wasn't a lot of yuri i was super familiar withor manga i was interested in in general outside of big things like junji ito. those bookstores also often have big ghibli displays which is nice.it's usually miyazaki focused so there's never whisper of the heart merchandise, but i like all the nausicaa stuff. wish i had a job.

kyou and i visited a commercial cave nearby. apparently tennessee is the cave state, and they stretch across the entire state. i wish my siblings were here- i'd take them, but my family never visits me. sometimes they come relatively close, but never really stop by. haha.

it was very beautiful. our tour guide was also a thruhiker! he hiked the appalachian trail- starting in Maine and ending in Georgia. i love thruhikers and listening to them. it's something i think i could do in another life, but i love luxury very much. i also love being clean and eating seasoned crab. i love to listen though. the appalachian trail community is interesting.. running into people, seeing them later at festivals.. etc etc. it's kind of magical to me.

kyou and i also hungout in antique shops. i got many pictures though not all are nice. some i could make better with editing, but i don't wanna do that now so you will get many in their pure unaltered form.

it was a very beautiful antique store. kyou bought me a $2 copy of Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine which i am happy about. i've been rereading it slowly but surely in between activities. last timew i read it, my reading sessions were super far apart, so i would like to read it relatively quickly this time so i can evaluate it properly.

kyou is back home. they are safe, and that makes me happy. i worry i was horrible to share a room with as i move around a lot, and the last night, i was goign insane over a coding project then showered at 5AM, but i had fun.

i'm always worried, but i want  to trust what people say to me becuase people who hold resentment or dont communicate with me whent hey have an issue- well, i just can't allow myself to worry about something i don't know.

i am heading to my storage unit now. soon the website will have a game that will only be available here due to itchio not allowing PHP and me refusing to set up image arrays by hand...  it will be a dress up game, so it probably doesn't suit my itchio anyways jaja. still, it would've been fun for people to post their dolls in the comments. perhaps i will find a way.

i hope you have a nice day. hopefully the next entry is about my date with my lovely wife. bye bye!