Blog's back! Why was it gone? So, erm, obviously my life went to hell. A lot happened in my life. Most of my life I've felt as though when something happens to me, I just can't really talk about it. I mean I think this may not be obvious, but I've always been depressing. But I wasn't talking about my mom being drunk with my teachers or friends,  I didn't talk about when my cousin got murdered, and despite living with my groomers in 2021, only 5 years later do I really talk about that situation more openly.

As a result, as my life fell apart, I began to shut down. A lot has happened. But now, I am free. I am away from my somewhat deranged apartment situation. I have a job I don't need to worry too much about losing, and I am no longer being harassed by people in management for innocuous reasons. My life isn't perfect. Being home means I must be semi-closeted again, but well, it's far better than being homeless or harassed for being a woman, my race, or autism in rural Appalachia. 

My last job before this one at the adult store I liked but my boss was really misogynstic towards me in a way that made me unhappy despite also being a queer woman. I never talked about it because I felt weird talking about a real person. In some ways, I understand why certain things stressed her out, but at one point during my job, she showed me a music video about girls dressed in red who get murdered or raped by men for wearing red. The end of the music video literally said "it doesn't matter what you wear," but she boiled it down to wearing vibrant clothes makes you unsafe. Even in my clothes I wore to career fairs.. She'd be weird tome about it, but my coworkers would come in in similar things.. It felt weird cause a lot of my coworkers were like white women or men. She'd say "I feel so guilty telling you to be plain." I'd wear all black. Ankle length skirts upset her because of the possibility of me not wearing tights. I always wore shorts or tights. At one point, I had on cardigan and she had me take it off and was happy to see a plain black turtleneck underneath. It was all extremely uncomfortable. I'm used to men being weird to me.. but not whatever that was.

I got fired for no call no showing, which was honestly a godsend. It still hurts but I'm grateful for it. Now that I'm in another work environment really made me realize she was being kind of crazy to me. And well, that job, while fun when she left me alone, did not give enough hours/have a high enough paycheck for a good quality of living. I wouldn't have been able to pay my rent with it. It hurts still, but well, there were other red flags outside of that with management. I'm way happier now than if I were still there. It just.. is painful. Generally I am punctual. I think she said "It's just business" and I said "ok" cause I was tired. She was kind of a freak anyways (no you cannot ask me to take off my outer layer of clothing just because you are also a girl) and well, I've never no called no showed to a job.

I will discuss the day before I no called no showed.

I broke up with my ex. This was something I was trying to do for days but she kept ignoring my calls. We had lots of little interactions that led to finally pushing me over the edge- the main being a conversation where I admitted to having a chronic illness very relevant to our relationship in which she responded with telling me how she got tacos.

Other things did too. All long distance relationships for me should have the goal of closing the distance, but she lacked any desire / drive to even..try. I felt like a pet she only used for entertainment orfor eye candy. Even outside of that, she couldn't do the bare minimum of calling me...? She always said no for various reasons.

It became.. obvious. My friends noticed I was always around for calls, never talking about her, etc. As my life fell apart due to my housing, one of my roommates becoming pregnant, my chronic illness ruining my QOL, etc.. My girlfriend was never someone I talked about.. At first, it happened slowly then I really only felt irritation. She made me make a promise: to break up with her when I stopped liking her. I didn't really stop liking her until after we broke up though when she made me do it over text. She said a bunch of shit I guess to make it feel mutual. I think I just agreed vaguely.

But what finally pushed me over the edge was her asking me to block her on every SNS because she "crazy <3"

Well, I did. I did. I blocked her and tried to quietly remove her from my stuff, as best asI could. I am not going to delete old art with her from my archives generally and I still love all my commissions. But you  know.. If people want to go no contact, it doesn't free them from the consequences of carelessness. I've been so quiet cause she's  CRAZYYYyyyYYY, but you know who's been on a million antipsychotics and is mostly friends with mentally ill people, Mala! And I don't gaf anymore. Her best friend still followed me on SNS and I tweaked out. I saw it yesterday. Her best friend is the person she planned to live with when we were together; we primarily talked in the context of Rain. They bonded over both dating Black women then Rain started going"let's not break up as everyone loses their relationships" when her best friend broke up with her girlfriend.

Anyways, stupid games. I need to be clear I am mad but lack ill will. It's more like a.. I partially took my blog down because it kind of feels like when bad things happen, everyone is a bitch to you about being upset. Last year, I broke off many friends who said I "talked weird" which .. The way I talk is partially a result of restraint since bad things constantly happen to me. Butyou know, I learned that it doesn't really matter. All my friends keep going through lesbian/sapphic nonsense. Finding out one of my oldest friends was physically abusing her girlfriend, another friend cheating on their very kind girlfriend, etc. I only learned about these things because people talked about them. I'm happy my friends talked about it even if it was "messy."

Breaking up with my ex andfeeling like I needed to be a saint who never complains sucked. There's no annoying shit that haunts me.I focused on talking about situations in my life in my diaries and with other people.

But my love for stuff still reminds me of my ex. I love yaoi.. We were fujo4fujo (though she only read fanfiction). If I go to an event and see kpop shit, I think of her. I see people with purple hair and sometimes roll my eyes- which is unpleasant as a colored hair enjoyer. But well, I think I only did that because you know.. I want to say stuff like "this reminds me of my ex" but there's always an awkward silence afterwards, but the self-imposed restraints are so much louder.

But no more. I will just say it. Cause why have restraints when she likes to pretend she has the potential to be a scary stalker when she can't even read my texts.  Why be fujo4fujo when I can be a lone rotten princess? 

PS. Lesbians I know. Don't hurt your fucking girlfriends anymore oh my fucking god WE ARE ALL ADULTS ACT LIKE IT. Emotional cheating still counts you absolute clowns. How am I supposd to tote lesbian superiority (joke) if my peers are all fucking cheating on and abusing each other.