bad days
Posted on: 2026-06-30 07:51:00


i am still not doing too fantastic though sinking my days into game development is helping a lot. i just keep waiting for my life to end. which sounds crazy, but it's hard. i think i'm always waiting for my life to end. i have  to keep doing things to survive. people ask me how i do so much. i love doing lots,  but it's always a part of survivable.


people in my life sometimes talk like my life is reaching its in or they express disappointment. it's clear people don't think i'm doing enough, so i'm talking to others less.


every conversation with family is terrible. i am in this small cage all the time. i feel like i can't even talk to my frineds normally. i'm just somewhere else.



i have had outings though less than i'd like. i'm just unwell. i'm reacting to stress badly. i don't want to pay rent again, but i have to and it's more than this place. i really do feel like i'm going to die soon. 


i just keep thinking about stuff. there's this thing people say about others. they need to "get their life together." managers say it about firing others. there's also "it's just business." i theorize i will hear these many more times in my life. i think i'm going to die soon.


everyone is always messing with me but no one beleives me when i say what's happening. last year, everyone called me crazy. now, i sit with my friends who never call me crazy, and it's nice, but i have to go back into the world. there's nothing for me lol.


nothing at all nothing at all <3 it's hard. i kind of knew this would happen someday but i didn't expect it to happen all at once.
moving a month from now
Posted on: 2026-06-25 11:12:00

too tired to post entries lately but it's because of game development stuff. i am also mainly talking to my friends.


i passed two job interviews but both were hiring immediately and i am not moving until next month so now i am taking a break. but they all take weeks to respond so it feels rather unfair.


mother is coming onn my birthday. she says we can get a crab boil for my birthday after i come home. well, she says it's possible. it's all that i desire. i do not want to have a  party. i don't want to be around anyone.


granny tells me to go outside so i try to write on the patio.