Today I had a date with my girlfriend! I am so happy! It was really fun. I hadn't seen her in so long. I was decaying. This is likely our last year being able to see each other really often, and I tend to start the grieving process kind of early, so I've been in a weird state as I think about leaving this part of the state. I just can't see anything other than a depressing future,but I'm hoping my mom ends up buying a nice hosue and I like living there.

ANYWAYS. Back to date. My wife's job has been working her to death, so it's hard to see her as often, but I think well see each other more. She didn't want to travel before her kpop concert (to see SKZ), so I was soo patient, but seeiing her made me soooo HAPPY!!!

I've been so stressed because of lots of dumb bullshit, but seeing her takes up my entire view of the world, and even if i'm stressed, it's like she's a light that calms me down. It's very crazy to me. I've felt infatuation in my life and thought I was in love, but I think this is love..? I want to wait for her forever, and she seems to want to wait for me to. Even if we get seperated post college, we talk like we'll keep trying to see each other and make things work. It's so crazy to me.. I really like her.

I was worried. The ferris wheel was small and a country affair. A child checked us in lol. 

I had to use filegarden to upload these, my files got really mad at me lol, so if filegarden goes away, sorry loool. I was being cringe in the video so uploading it iin its original form would've been a bit embarrassing.

Rain is better at handling rides than I am actually lol. At first I'd check in on her but by end, she made sure I was okay to ride the ring of fire!! I felt kind of embarrassed, but it was also nice. I'm usually the bravest and checking on others, so it was new to me.

The ferris wheel was really fun. Admittedly I was excited more the idea of a date at the fair. Rain liked the fair itself a lot though I did too by the end. I was worried, but she seemed really delighted, and I also got really happy and excited. It was fun listening to music and everything. It made me think about all the places I want to go with her, and how much I love her. 

with the privacy of the ferris wheel, i gave her a kiss!

The rides were really nice to me. There was one, the Hurricane, that was very intense, and of course the fireball was too, but they were both really fun. Hurricane played good music, and the ride casted shade over the grass. People were moving chairs to sit in the shade, so we did too a few times to eat or relax after riding. I'd be a bit dizzy sometimes haha!

I really love her. I really really love her. I've never felt like this. It's weird. When we're apart and reunite, I feel like I fall more and more. I want to hold her and relax. It'd be so so nice. We decided our next date after my birthday will be something chill. I want to take her to a teahouse downtown and an antique shop that gives you a discount with $5+ purchase. I'm hoping I'll be able to get a nightgown if I go back there.

I can't wait to see my love again!! You're such a lovely person!!! I love you I love you I'm so honored to be loved by you!!

i'll probably have to split this entry and write it across the day. i'm headed to my storage unit today because i've been losing my mind and also well, my girlfriend and i are having a date tomorrow, and i'd like to wear something fun. it's at a fair though so i'm realizing rockiing horse shoes are definitelty not the move, but  iwa nt them..a nd like.. i just want more clothing optioins nyah..

i have a lot to talk about. i wore this coord to a meet yesterday. we went out for sushi, and i got a seafood roll and a dragon roll or something. it had eel on top, and i love sushi with eel. truly one of the meats of all time.

i was anxious at first but had a lot of fun by the end. talking with friends nice, and i just always try to be kind even if something is making me on edge. we had to wait an hour which was making one friend antsy which in turn made me anxious, and we were the last group to leave the restaurant. next time i may call ahead, but well, comm members have a habit of reserving and then not showing up which makes reserving these kinds of events hard.

we went to barnes and noble before.t here wasn't a lot of yuri i was super familiar withor manga i was interested in in general outside of big things like junji ito. those bookstores also often have big ghibli displays which is nice.it's usually miyazaki focused so there's never whisper of the heart merchandise, but i like all the nausicaa stuff. wish i had a job.

kyou and i visited a commercial cave nearby. apparently tennessee is the cave state, and they stretch across the entire state. i wish my siblings were here- i'd take them, but my family never visits me. sometimes they come relatively close, but never really stop by. haha.

it was very beautiful. our tour guide was also a thruhiker! he hiked the appalachian trail- starting in Maine and ending in Georgia. i love thruhikers and listening to them. it's something i think i could do in another life, but i love luxury very much. i also love being clean and eating seasoned crab. i love to listen though. the appalachian trail community is interesting.. running into people, seeing them later at festivals.. etc etc. it's kind of magical to me.

kyou and i also hungout in antique shops. i got many pictures though not all are nice. some i could make better with editing, but i don't wanna do that now so you will get many in their pure unaltered form.

it was a very beautiful antique store. kyou bought me a $2 copy of Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine which i am happy about. i've been rereading it slowly but surely in between activities. last timew i read it, my reading sessions were super far apart, so i would like to read it relatively quickly this time so i can evaluate it properly.

kyou is back home. they are safe, and that makes me happy. i worry i was horrible to share a room with as i move around a lot, and the last night, i was goign insane over a coding project then showered at 5AM, but i had fun.

i'm always worried, but i want  to trust what people say to me becuase people who hold resentment or dont communicate with me whent hey have an issue- well, i just can't allow myself to worry about something i don't know.

i am heading to my storage unit now. soon the website will have a game that will only be available here due to itchio not allowing PHP and me refusing to set up image arrays by hand...  it will be a dress up game, so it probably doesn't suit my itchio anyways jaja. still, it would've been fun for people to post their dolls in the comments. perhaps i will find a way.

i hope you have a nice day. hopefully the next entry is about my date with my lovely wife. bye bye!

These were some of the fireworks I captured with my tripod outside my window. I have several minutes of video though not all is in focus (you have to lower the brightness to capture glowing things in the dark without it being absolutely grainy, but lowering it too much makes the camera incapable of focusing). 

It was a delight. It made me feel like a proper photographer. I love using my tripod.. Photography and video stuff doesn't come naturally to me, so whenever I learn something or people like what I photograph/record, I'm very happy.

Anyways, Kyou came a day or two ago. They're traveling lots and staying for a few days! I'm happy. I'm a terrible host though! I forgot to wash all my sheets. I'm doing it now. Also my period started, so I'm hardly alive. We came back,and I had to lie in bed for a while just with a heating pad, and Kyou got Japanese Takeout.

We've been eating lots of Asian food but we had a burger today too which killed my organs lol, but was #worth. Kyou got that bulgogi roll, but I'd lost my appetite after eating my sushi, so I didn't try it, but when I have money again, I want to try it!

Kyou being here has been really nice. I get to help them save hundreds on meals, they help me not starve to death, and we both get to hangout and have fun together. We're both on our laptops right now watching insane YouTube documentaries. Right now we're on the GME/BBBY rabbit hole which I love sharing with friends.

Sharing documentaries with people is one way I express love lol. I did it with my girlfriend too. I showed that one to Kyou, and they also loved it.

Admittedly I'm anxious I'm an awful host, but I believe everything Kyou tells me and they haven't expressed any displeasure to me. They're always very nice. I'll be sad when they move to Mexico but at least it's just a border away. We'll probably meet up at con or something in the future yip yap.

I cleaned up my room a bunch too before they came.. made it nice and pretty lawl. Originally it was nice, but mainly at my desk. Now the wall is covered in my dresses and pictures of the kazakh metro Io sent me.

Also, I should talk about What Is It Like to Taste and general thoughts. I've been anxious lol, but everything is nice. My games tend to take a while for me to hear people's thoughts. I'm not in the largest Toxic Yuri server and have my DMs closed on every platform so no one can reach out to me either (this is for the best even if it's a bit sad), but friends have told me their thoughts, I got a nice long comment and two other nice ones (from a judge and another from Zed (hhiii zed <3)), and I think I will get more..? Maybe? Comments tend to come in slowly. It's hard for me to predict how this project will do  because it's long. It's in a lot of collections though, and I see people downloading it.

Truly I want to hear people's thoughts, and I've heard many that mean a lot to me. So I have what I want, and I've won the game. I'm happy. My friend told me she read RehAIbilitation a while ago and it made her cry. And I get random comments or messages like that, and they cheer me up. I am confident that What Is It Like To Taste is a good experience. 

ANYWAYS. I have not much else to say LOL. Since What Is It Like to Taste is finished and Kyou is here, I've been focused on Kyou and doing random things. Little bits of game dev, talking to Kail, guts, making plans, waiting for job,being in the negatives in my bank account but living foolishly, thinking about clothes, etc etc.

I'll be in a fashion show at a festival soon so perhaps I'll talk about that next entry!

"please forgive me for being so upset during my period 💧💧💧"

Today was nice. I released my Toxic Yuri Jam visual novel, and it's the largest vn I've ever made. That's really good. I'm really happy about that. I have two nice comments, one from Zed, and another from a dev named deaddeaddeath who I can recognize from a game called Heatwave, which has been on my to play list for a long time. I actually recognized them abit more from their VN stock photography which I had downloaded on my old computer. I want to distribute stock too someday.

My period started today. I knew it'd be soon. I guess it has been getting earlier in the month each time. It used to start the 15th, but now it's around the 5th (today) a lot of the time. I can usually tell a week or two before it's going to start because I start cramping before most people. I surprisingly didn't feel very emotional or anything, until today.

I got overwhelmed my the state of my finances though it's okay. I put a lot of my summer money into rent for fall, so I didn't regret anything, but I just.. am tired of everything being so hard all the time. It's hard not to cry. And doing my laundry, I was counting the socks I have. So many are missing. It upsets me, but no one in my family seems to be taking it seriously even though they're responsible for the loss of these items. I'll have to wait for mom to bring them which she'll probably forget to do , so I just need to buy more, but I don't have the money to buy more- I barely have money to buy food. And I have a job waiting for me but my college always fucks me over and this time they fucked me over by changing their hiring process. And it's just hard. Everything takes so long and is so hard. It's overwhelming.

I wish I'd gone outside today. But now it's dark, and walking around at night is not really relaxing for me. I'm crying. This is so silly. Usually I can breathe and get over things, but everything is hitting all at once. It's a lot. Life is just so hard, and I want it to be easy. I really want it to be easy. It shouldn't have to be so hard. Not this hard.

But I'll be okay. I'm happy my visual novel released, and Kyou is coming tomorrow. My fern died in direct sunlight, so I'll have to throw it away while cleaning today. My stomach has been hurting which is why I waited so late in the day to clean. Silly solly. Silly me.

I miss my socks, but htis is a nice excuse to get used to handwashing again, and.. Umm.. Buy more brand socks.. yeah.. I got nice Baby socks.. And nice AATP socks... Yeah.. I have some other socks too. Lots of cherries. I own mostly brand socks now.I only lost one brand pair, my aatp socks,but well, it's not a huge loss to me because they were.. just.. striped socks.. with AATP on them.. AATP will make more..And I think they had holes in them anyways.. And.., now I can tell ym family I can't trust them to wash any of my things because of this situation.. No one ever believed me but now it has happened. No one can ever touch my things again.

I know this all to be true, yet my heart feels so heavy. I  just miss.. having all my things. I wish my manager hadn't kicked me out in and made me move in 48 hours. I wish I had a car. I wish I wasn't disabled. Relying on other people who can't do things as well as me is stressful, and it makes me want to scream at them when I feel like this. I need to clean, but maybe I'll watch an anime... An episode or two.. 

I'll be okay. The fireworks yesterday were so nice. I got a clear video too. I'm overwhelmed now and in physical pain which is making me feel worse,but I'll be okay. Maybe I'll play Just Dance.. Probably not though.. I really do just want to go to sleep. Uploading videos is an annoying process when I'm tired due to video filesbeing a bit cursed and usually coming from my phone, so I hope you don't mind if I show the fireworks when I feel a bit better.

I want to be a very positive person. It's hard when my body is this way, and there's nothing I can do about it. But I'm sure tomorrow I'll feel better.

Today I went outside and I took many pictures. At first, I was focused on taking coord pictures, but I began to lose interest quickly. I didn't like any of them, but I still wanted to take pictures. The campus was really empty,and I wasn't playing music on my headphones, so I just kept thinking about it being the 4th of July and the complete silence on campus.

The pictures please me. I could edit them better, perhaps I'll make an autoaction so the same effects are applied to every photo. I think I'll do this more often. I'm not sure though. A lot of my coords recently are samey, especially because it's so hot outside, and I also have lots of of thoughts but making a drawing for every single thought I have is a bit of a pain. Taking pics is faster and sometimes more fun.

These kinds of thoughts can be hard to share, but I often end up going into sad topics when I'm speaking. I'm naturally very melancholic. People consider me depressing to be around sometimes, but it's just how I am. Of course, melancholia at a certain point is unhealthy, but even as a child, I was naturally like this.

It doesn't make me sad, but I've decided I can't be close to others who get uncomfortable with my melancholia. I am just talking. I like reflecting on loneliness. It's an emotional all humans feel and ignoring it is silly. The more you grapple with it, the less it affects you. It's okay to not reflect on those things though. This is what helps me but for others it could be very bad.

Outside my window, I see fireworks. I'm kind of happy I'm inside now.I have a beautiful line of sight, so maybe i'll see even more. I really like fireworks. A lot of people on the internet complain about them.. The carbon monoxide, the loudness, scaring dogs, but well, I really delight in them. I just think they are magical almost. Chemical reactions are so interesting.

I got to see a beautiful quiet campus and now I get to see many fireworks from the comfort of my room, scattered across the city. It's not even dark, ther ewill probably be even more throughout the night. I have my camera on my tripod set up to record them. The tripod gets really tiny, so it's on my desk. Isn't that delightful?

My life. is going to get very hard, but everything feels so nice right now. The fireworks, my tripod, my beautiful clothes, hanging out with friends, lolita meets,my birthday soon, my girlfriend, and a quiet summer. This summer I don't have much money, but that's because I paid a lot of my rent in advance with my summer paycheck. I think life has the potential to be so beautiful if I keep pushing harder. 

The sky isn't completely dark yet. It's this weird dark bluey green, fading into orange, but it is still very dark. If I get any good video, I'll try to add gifs in my next entry. 

I may stay up late to watch the fireworks and probably do some game development. I finished up my visual novel for the toxic yuri jam and have been reading entries periodically. I like.. toxic yaoi a lot, but most toxic yuri in manga/webtoon doesn't interest me for various reasons, but this jam has been a delight. Indie game devs really are just.. reliable for making the kind of things I want to see consistently.

I also made something I really like, so  I hope people enjoy it. It'll be out this weekend :-) It's the biggest project I've ever made for a jam, maybe ever. Measuring a game jam game with an RPG Maker game (Ommatophilia is the one I'm thinking about) is difficult, but it is a very large game for me. It's like 23K words total and has dozens of CGs.

I hope people like it. Smiles. I'm going to work on my next RPG Maker game. I feel a bit crazy working so much. I haven't felt this motivated in ages, and usually after jams I'm very exhausted. But I've been doing artfight and game dev and chipping away at commissions slowly.

I live a beautiful life!