Hello!! Today was rough, but only in small ways. I caught up on many assignments, and I have a presentation due on Wednesday I need to make and record tomorrow (I'd like to turn it in early.) Luckily I think it will be very easy, but all of this is reminding me that I am truly am tired of school. I love this area, but ideally, I could stay here without having to get a million emails from my college. But alas, housing is tooe expensive.

Kyou will be visiting me next week, so at least all of these deadlines are falling before they come here. I want to eat yummy food and hike nd go get roobois tea downtown. I like that Kyou enjoys visiting me. They don't have to, but it's worth it to them to stop by while traveling and hangout with me. They don't have ulterior motives and they treat me like a normal person all the time. I'm hoping we can go downtown and listen to some screamo also lol.

Other exciting things happening are that I'm going to The Guilded Age in November. You are free to say hi if you will also be there. I expect to be sitting awkwardly kind of out of it, but that's a rather pessimistic way to view things! I'm sure it will be fun. I know other people going.

Admittedly, I am very anxious. I travel alone often, but not in America. In the states, it's easy to travel and get stuck somewhere. It was easy to not do that in Japan (and if you got stuck, you could stay in a Capsule hotel). In England, I often traveled on the buses or trains with other people, and walking around London was okay because I would just magically end up back where I started. (easy to circle).

But well, I'll be okay! Zed and I will be meeting up in the area hopefully, which should be really fun! Hangout.. Eat sushi.. I don't know what else LOL. Plans are still so nebulous. It's a very brief trip you see? I'll probably be leaving Friday afternoon after class (ends at 2:55PM) and and arriving before class on Monday (at 12:50. I'll be tired as fuck yeah). The Guilded Age is on a Sunday which is a bit awkward but I don't want to go to the event then immediately ahve to travel home. To be honest though, I probably should leave that Sunday evening..  I have such bad luck with flights and it'll probably be the most convenient option. I'm not gonna think about that right now.

I got some more work to do for my jam game today. I'm tired as shit so I'm not going to if it is painful (I don't want to burnout before end of jam.)

Good luck art fighting if you're joining!! I made an entire hitlist this year and everything!!

today was ash's birthday. she is a comm member who joined this year. she wears a lot of bodyline and actually has a piece that is very nostalgic to me that i never actually posted to this diary due to being tired of HTML and going through a lot of things at the time. they are very pleasant so I will share them here since i never finished my february entry back then. i have many pleasant pictures from that day but filling up this entry with them feels a bit silly...

back then we were in this strange haunting buildings. her dress is pleasant to me.. it feels like something i'd see from an old magazine. i think it might've been from 2008 or something. i don't know. it made me rather nostalgic or perhaps connected with my current sensibilities since i started wearing old school in 2022 haha.

anyways, that was my first time meeting Ash. this was my second time hanging out with her? or perhaps third. i believe second. the cafe we met at was a small town that was rather pleasant. there a big event happening making parking a bit difficult, but it was kind of funny.

heather ordered a crème brûlée, and i got a very large brownie. the brownie was gigantic and almost the length of my hand. i ate half of it, then a fly landed on it haha. i realized i'd eaten a lot anyways. i also had a breakfast sandwich though i kind of regret it because i find eggs kind of gross and have for a while, yet i keep eating them out of habit. no more breakfast sandwiches! remember mala!

everyone was wearing tea parties. i don't own any because they don't suit my coords or the era i'm into, but it was really cute and fun to see! i wanted to wear my rocking horse shoes today, but they are still in the storage unit (since i've been moving a lot- it's another reason i've been too stressed to update). i'll have everything out of storage by august and bein my apartment. i hope life is less stressful then!

a lady offered to take pictures of us which made me very happy. we got quite a few but here are two of them. i was laughing a lot, so it was really hard to look like a proper goth!

heather and i decided to go to another town where we visited a comm member who owns a very cool shop. i think i'm going to try vending my patreon prints there! there's a handmaking/crafts club that does irl events a few times a month, but it's hard for me to vend myself because i have a lot of classes in fall and spring ever year. having it in a shop would be so nice. the vending spots are cheap, and midi has owned the store for a very long time. i've been looking for a store like this for a while. i can't believe my comm was the answer! <-- actually not very surprising.

i got some pictures in the shop.

 Midi's shop was cool. She let me look at her 2000s manga tarot deck which I was excited about.I have been looking for a tarot deck. It's in someone's possession, but I have no idea who's haha. It's okay though. I want a new one. I was considering seeking out Yoshitake Amano's but.. No tarot deck satisfies me. I think I may make my own someday as a result.

Midi made us tea with brews she blended herself and we talked tea (as lolitas do). I asked her about her teabags. I have a small metal diffuser,but it's rather annoying and finicky to use. The bags seemed much easier, and she said she got biodegradable ones from Amazon. Good.. good. She also explained to me how she blended her teas. I'd like to blend my own someday! 

in the cat returns, tea blends made by Baron is mentioned, and it really fascinated me.. perfecting tea until it's perfect... though i like so many teas. most tea is perfect (though i tried red roobois at a local cafe recently with milk, honey, and cinnamona and it was so delicious!) midi liked that cafe too. you get a discount if you make an over $5 purchase at an anitque shop nearby! which is easy for me since i buy so much antique jewelry and am an antique nightgown fan! i got a $5 nightgown recently a big chunky necklace, the one i wore in today's coord actually.

afterwards, we left midi's place and went to an old historic building. it used to be an important government building, but now it's just used for events. it was actually very useful for us for a reason i cannot state, so i am happy! i also saw the rooms weren't too expensive. i wish i could host some kind of small shopping event there!! but that requires so many resources.

  

it was really delightful and fun! such a pretty little (large) building. it was kind of funny seeing something so grand so empty. it was also nice because we could take pictures without being bothered! 

also, afterwards, there was an episcopal church nearby. there's a lot of beautiful episcopal churches in this area which is delightful for me as a catholic (in aesthetic only (sorry catholics)). i'm not going to lie. i don't know anything about episcopal practioners but i do know they sure can build a church (which is the only thing i appreciate about catholics. apparently, episcopalians fall between catholicism and protestantism. so i guess they want to make beautiful houses for gods like catholics do.

a women watched us then asked if heather also wanted a picture. heather mainly went there for me. i am the person in the comm most obsessed with pictures haha <--- the tripod haver (my new tripod has a remote actually which is so delightful!)

it was so beautiful. thepictures don't capture them (especially considering they are heavily compressed). if you live near beautiful architectrue, you should take many pictures there or just bask in the work of the architect! episcopal churches have red doors like some of the catholic churches in England.. interesting interesting..

this entry took a while to write. i was very annoyed after a while (with image management) which is why i added cmyk. i need to build an editor/uploader as good as fc2's (or find one). it's hard to use emojis when tinycmk doesn't let me use floats! it has its own default emojis too (the like.. standard emojis you know), but you know i love line stickers and zine stickers, etc etc. there was another editor i saw that wasn't tinycmk so i will test it jaja!

thank you so much for reading. it was nice making an entry. this was my first meet of summer, and it was so fun. the next meet won'tbe nearly as picture heavy because it's a casual sushi meet, but i hope to still write about it.

i slacked so much the first half of this year because of the horrors, but i am manifesting that life will improve! many of the things that made me unhappy (my job, my housing, a lot of my physical health ailments) are going away or improving, and i'm finally growing a spine thank you my friends for the encouragement)!! and my life is much simpler now!! there's so much beauty in my future!!

The diary has been reinstated! Apologies for the long wait. It was not a top priority because I was focused on moving all of my site over to a VPS and also life was very bad for a long time. I wanted to make my entries more positive but well, I also was so tired. Lying is kind of exhausting, and I'd rather not do it. I'm sure you understand. It's just so many of my old entries are so negative. I want to look into the future positively.. Archiving details of my life I know is important, but this was such a dark period that I just.. I don't wanna talk about pain I experience being kicked out of dorm and also I was having so many rumination issues- the diary entries would all be the same.



But I did come to a realization. In the past few months, I've been trying to figure out how to navigate relationships because they are so hard for me to figure out. In my previous life, I felt as though I should always be polite. Running ophazines meant to me that if someone was rude to me, I had to respond as kindly as possible even if I thought they were being ridiculous. I should never talk about any situation I'm in because it may seem similar to vaguing unless people involved aren't my friends. I shouldn't talk about my feelings to most people- it'll overwhelm everyone. Bla bla bla.



But I realized I actually don't know anything and was just operating on what I should do when masking. And well even when I mask, people still clock that I'm not completely neurotypical anyways, so why do I need to continue? And I had so much bad stuff happen in the past few months that I was forced to rely on friends for help. It ended up making me realize people are much kinder than I had anticipated. A lolita friend took me out for crabs yesterday, and she talked to me about her ex who she started hanging out again with recently. She likes to talk to me about her because I understand what schizophrenia is like since I'm on the schizophrenia spectrum. It's nice to me talking to her. She's a very normal person, but she still likes me even though she knows I struggle. We interact in a normal way and when I get worked up, she's very nice to me.



I was with another lolita friend a week or two ago and I was a bit stressed. When I've been with her lately, her daughters are also there because she's a mom and it's summer. She took me to a storage unit, and I had fun interacting with the two sisters. I like children. And well, the two of them remind me of my sisters in many ways.



I got really sad recently.. I entered intense periods of anxiety.. And friends would ask if I needed to hangout when they could tell I was on edge. It was interesting to me because I was so used to being alone or being told I needed to isolate. After 2021, I basically accepted that no one could handle me when I'm really distressed, but well, to be honest, that was silly. I talk to my friends through their anxieties and usually distract them if they want to be distracted.



Streaming Deltarune, talking about yaoi and yuri, web dev rambles, taking on projects, it's all been very pleasant. I liked knowing my friends wanted to be around me even through rough times and would generally give me the benefit of the doubt. It's something I can't even afford to give myself a lot of the time.



I have a lot of anxiety about acting in a lolcowish way. A lot of lolcows are obviously mentally ill, and many of the girls have BPD. I'm not going to lie. I don't think I have BPD, but my mom thinks I do, and some people I know say I do, so I just identify as having it so people don't think I'm in some kind of 'denial.' It's also possible I do have it, but am at a point in my life where I just experience it differently. I don't really experience extreme resentment, but I did as a teenager. I hate being rejected, but it's something I'm very used to and something I can do with. Of course, you're free to read my old diary entries and be the judge of that yourself.



One reason I try very hard to be a 'good girl' is because I don't want to end up like people such as Amberlynn Ried or other lolcows.. So many are people who are very aware of their mental illnesses but end up in the same cycles over and over again. I want to be aware of other people, but at the same time, I ended up doing this to such an extent that I thouhgt my own feelings and communication styles were a burden. And I realized that there's just no point in being friendly with everyone. When I was talked shit about during zine development, I didn't need to respond to anyone or be nice about it. It's good to be to avoid issues obviously, but it's not objectively mean for me to tell someone I don't like how they're talking to me and that I think they're being ridiculous.



I'd rather just.. be around people who want to be around me.



I reached out to my old friend and we talked about making music. He showed me his stuff, and we talked to me about JS frameworks. It was really delightful. I had disappeared on so many people trying to keep upo with so many folks around me. why did I do that when the conversations I had with certain people were always so positive.



Anyways, things are alright.I still get waves of anxiety, but I just picture the thought floating down the river, and I move on. It's.. difficult. Moving on from certain situations at times seems callous.. but.. It is important for the sake of living peacefully. I moved on from Neocities (am iin process of doing so) because people there also said weird things about me that were just.. kind of untrue. Not in a hurtful way just.. blatantly incorrect facts and it was so silly I just needed to go into my own little corner.



Anyways, I hope to update with more fruitful things soon. I needed to get all of this off my chest. Next time I'll talk about my CRT and other hobbies I'm getting into (I've been going to a video game store every week!).. It's been very hot every time. I also found a place that sells delicious red roobois tea. Wait for me if you'd like! The RSS feed should be fixed soon too so it'll be even easier!